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-   -   Still Learning (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=47265)

LadyC 05-17-2013 11:34 PM

Still Learning
Hello my name is C :)

I am 28 years old. I am bisexual. I have always had a difficult time with monogamy. I have not had many relationships that I haven't betrayed or cheated in the 10 years that I have been dating (I usually end up cheating with women. My men would find it sexy after the fact and this mindset is what perpetuated my behavior - I knew I wouldn't get in too much trouble if I was cheating with girls. I occasionally had a few men on the side, but they are locked in the vault x_x I have only ever confessed the women in my life). I am NOT proud of this. I do NOT use polyamory as an excuse in hindsight. I understand that cheating IS cheating, no matter the sex or the reason.

I have always had an open mind with my partners however, and always found it to be one sided. But I kept it still the same. I was not scared of them finding someone else who they loved, so long as I was still in their life. The idea of THEM cheating on ME was never a scary one, even if it was after the fact. If it was talked about and dealt with appropriately, and expectations discussed they were free to do as they wished. I do not know why I couldn't follow this logic and sense of reason for my own behaviour, maybe because I knew they didn't think the same as me and often times remained faithful…

I have been struggling with my sexuality for a long time; it was confusing at first and came off as problematic. I knew I liked women when I was 16 but only acted on it for the first time at the age of 21 (behind my BFs back with one of my girlfriends on a drunken escapade – standard?).

I have been struggling equally with my understanding of relationships and the boundaries set on them by social standards and expectations, and my own personal abilities as far as commitment is concerned, the abilities of my partners in understanding who I am and why I am this way, etc. The list goes on and on.

I think I finally understand that my issues with monogamy stem in part from my inability to stop loving someone just because I come to love someone new. I have SO MUCH love to give! I often act on these emotions first, and think them through second. Not always the best course of action when the most common form of expressing ones interest in another comes from under the sheets, or some form thereof.

I joined this forum because I really have no one to talk to who is like minded with me. I devoured the tv series with fascination and awe – it blew my mind that these people could be so OPEN! I have been scouring the dating sites looking for an outlet or some people to talk to. I have been coming up empty handed.

I have been reading quite a bit of the forum first in order to build up the courage to introduce myself and have already found a great amount of comfort in the words on these pages...

Happy to be here ^_^ thank you for having me.

<3 C.

Magdlyn 05-18-2013 01:16 AM

Hi C, welcome.

Do you want to be polyamorous and learn to be completely open? Manage to time share and honor the feelings and needs of 2 or more partners, not just get drunk and shag someone secretly?

Do you have a partner right now that you are cheating on?

Magdlyn 05-18-2013 02:18 AM

Oh never mind. I see you started a blog.

kdt26417 05-22-2013 10:52 PM

Greetings C,
Welcome to our forum.

It sounds like you have come quite a ways to get where you are today, and that poly is in your blood. You will find many good threads to read here, and your blog will be one of them.

I hope you find your stay pleasant indeed, and am glad you could join us.

Kevin T.

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