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-   -   Exploring (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4726)

flowing 01-07-2011 04:05 AM

Exploring
 
Hello I hope that someone can offer some insight. I am a 33 y/o straight woman who was reunited with her former bisexual boyfriend 2years ago. The connection was instant. He shared with me that he was interested in having a child, as this has been a steady desire for a number of years. I was also feeling the desire to extend my family. I have a 10y/o daughter. I was single at the time that Omari and I reconnected. Ater a year long converstaion and planning omari and I decided to develop a family together. As conversations developed he shared that he was still residing with his male partner of 6yrs. Their relationship is stable. The only issue is that Mark does not want to be a parent. We all sat down a shared what our vision was. Omari and I agree that we want to be co-parents together. However this past year things have become challenging now that I am pregnant (6mos). Omari and I did not anticipate the intensity of our bond and the fact that sex would only magnify our emotional attachment. Mark and Omari are not sexually involved during my pregnancy. Mark is uncomfortable with the relationship that has been established between omari and I. In turn at time i am uncomfortable with him. Because it was never my intent to hurt or cause him any stress. Omari at times feels that he is in the middle. My suggestion to him wa to become a V poly family or a poly family where he and mark resume their sexual encounters and I will not be sexually involved with either of them. My priority is family and having both of my children in the presence of their father throughout their lives. My thoughts were also driven by the fact that omari has a difficult time coming to my home as mark cannot handle it and does not understand why his presence is needed right now. To date omari is definiyely caring on two primary relationships, one sexual and the other non-sexual.

Is polyamory an option for us.. thoughts please!!!

RfromRMC 01-07-2011 06:35 PM

Well it's certainly an option but it doesn't look like this Mark guy is comfortable sharing his bf with a woman. Did he know Omari was bi from the get-go?

Whether he wants to or not he's going to have to figure if he can live with Omari having this dual-family situation. It sounds to me like it's up to him whether he can live with that or just separate.

SNeacail 01-07-2011 07:03 PM

Either way, the three of you need to have some serious discussions and soon. Omari and you will be trying to raise a child together and that is impossible to do if you aren't having any contact or even limited contact. Part of becoming a parent is being involved in the pregnancy (if possible) and lets face it women tend to need way more attention when we are pregnant.

Who's idea was it to cut sexual relations with Mark? If Omari wanted to keep him in his life, I don't see how this was helpful.

redpepper 01-08-2011 07:28 AM

Poly is possible, sure... it sounds like boyfriend is not interested thought so really the real issue to me sounds like how daddy is going to be involved in your and babies life... skip the sex and love part, a child is coming and organization ahead of time in terms of time management and expectations and assumptions of roles need to be figured out I would think... at least talked about.

It sounds like boyfriend is feeling threatened and if that is the case, I would start with that. Find out why and what he wants out of all this, if anything.

flowing 01-12-2011 03:52 AM

Exploring
 
Thank you all for your comments. They were quite insightful. I do agree that all three of us need to sit down together again to determine the best way to more forward so that everyone's needs can be met.

I am approaching my third trimester and there is no time like the right time and the right time is now; to bring order and direction to our family. I am pressing forward although it is very clear that Mark is having some challenges with this family ideal. I have reached out to him this past Saturday and to date he has yet to respond to my offering to chat, going bowling or to have dinner so that he and I can develop a better rapport. Omari has informed me that Mark is not the best communicator, and I get that. However it doesnt change the fact that his non-response sends a poor message.

I'm torn because although Mark was fully aware that Omari is a bi-man who has always wanted to have children; Mark just like myself and Omari did not know the extent to which this process would go. Here we are I am definitely ready to forge ahead, my understanding is that Omari does too. Mark seems to be dealing without some other life defining moments in addition to trying to adjust to the idea of his partner extending their union to include me, a 10 y/o and a new baby.

mmmmmm so how do we or how do I proceed. Do we wait for Mark to decide what his involvement will be or do we continue to move forward based on decisions that Omari and I make? Well as mentioned above... we need to talk!

preciselove 01-13-2011 04:12 AM

Firstly your main aim seems to be having the father around your child. So with this in mind.... Tell Omari that he will have a child soon and needs to sort out this Mark issue as it is stressful to you. Women that are pregnant want certain things to be "set in stone" such as who is going to live where and what the arrangement is going to be. He needs to step up to the plate and realize his life no longer entirely revolves around himself if he wants to be a decent dad. Decent dads make decisions that benefit their children.

Just make sure you frame it around him taking action as the man and it should give him enough motivation to do what is needed.


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