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-   -   Bi-Curious Couple (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=47257)

Elly 05-17-2013 09:00 PM

Bi-Curious Couple
Hi all,

My boyfriend and I are new to the polyamory scene, although we have always been very good about wanting the other person to feel like they are free. We both came from very controlling relationships with abusive people and decided when we met that we would never treat one another like property. We're very encouraging and supportive when the other person gets compliments and we even think it's cute when someone has a crush or flirts. With the nature of our relationship, it has also been a safe place for us to really talk about and come to terms with our sexuality. We're both bi.

With that in mind, I guess our biggest question in looking for resources/a community is that we have no idea where to start. Both bisexuality and polyamory are misunderstood a lot and we have no idea how to go about talking to other people without getting judged. We're not swingers looking for casual sex. We don't have any relationship issues. We're just poking out heads out of the closet and wondering if there are any other like minded couples out there. There must be. How in the heck would even know how to find them? (We're basically in the Pacific Northwest's version of the bible belt.)

Any advice?

Magdlyn 05-18-2013 01:20 AM

You 2 are looking for another couple? Trying to find a compatible couple is wicked hard. How about dating others singly, not as a unit?

Many of us here use the free dating site ok cupid. It's open to queers and sluts!:p

Elly 05-18-2013 04:53 AM

I guess that's the hardest part is how do you approach someone who is not going to freak out about you having a significant other and isn't a total skank?

We're both on OKC and tried an experiment. Neither of us were getting any response and then we changed our statuses to single and both got instantly flooded inboxes. It's even more pronounced in person. Bleh.

BoringGuy 05-18-2013 06:51 AM

You might want to mention in your profile that "total skanks" need not respond. Would you be open to dating "partial skanks"? What is your "skank threshold"? This might help prevent your inbox from being flooded by responses from "total skanks". I realize that can be a problem for people who are new to poly. That "total skank" saturation is like, a total turnoff and can really ruin your whole weekend.

Magdlyn 05-18-2013 11:50 AM


Originally Posted by Elly (Post 205040)

We're both on OKC and tried an experiment. Neither of us were getting any response and then we changed our statuses to single and both got instantly flooded inboxes.

Was your first profile all about how "we" are looking for an open minded bi female or a bi couple to add to "our" relationship? That is intimidating.

And now you've got individual profiles and do not mention being interested in polyamory? First of all, yeah, "single" women do get flooded. Especially young ones. You might get dozens of messages a day. You can fill out your stats so that you tell the site you're partnered or still open to dating, then your status comes up as "available," not single.

Your bf must have a good profile and pix, lots of men do not get looked at, much less contacted.

Make sure you fill out the answers to lots of questions, especially the ones about open relationships. Then you can weed out the men/women who come up a high match with you. I generally do not date anyone who is less than 90%. And even some of them are total flakes.

Dating is hard! It takes work, and kissing some frogs, to end up with your poly princ/ess.

okc worked for me though. I met my gf of 4 years there, and then finally, my current bf, we've been together a year and a half.

Just weed out the skanks who only want some quick sex. Delete, delete, delete.

kdt26417 05-22-2013 11:09 PM

Hi Elly,
Welcome to our forum.

Some additional links you might try:


The last link (above) is our own Dating & Friendships subforum. PolyMatchMaker is a dating site.

The others are generally resources for finding poly social groups in your area. You can also google "polyamory" with the name of your state, and see what comes up.


"As for where to meet poly people, if by some chance you are interested in anything alternative like Renaissance fairs, goth culture, sci-fi conventions, indie music, bdsm, or any small fringe group, you will be more likely to meet people who have at least heard of poly and are accepting of it."
-- SpaceHippieGeek, http://polyamoryonline.org/smf/index...57394#msg57394
Even if it's not an "alternative" type group, if there's a club or something in your area that does something you're interested in, you can always join that group and it just gives you a way to get out there and meet people. If you meet someone on a platonic level and get to talking about poly, then they can decide how they feel about it without any "pressure to agree." Then if they do decide poly doesn't bother them too much, and some kind of romantic connection subsequently develops, you'll already have "had the poly conversation" with them.

Don't know if any of that will help, but that's what I got anyways. Hope you find what you're looking for.

Kevin T.

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