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-   -   Coping with jealousy long-distance (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=47233)

kirsten 05-17-2013 01:39 PM

Coping with jealousy long-distance
Hi all. I am in a long-distance relationship with a married couple. I have been with my girlfriend for over two years and my boyfriend for a year and a half. They live very far away and we visit each other 5-6 times a year.

Early in my relationship with my boyfriend, he had someone else who was interested in him, who he previously had a semi-casual relationship with. While I was in NRE, the thought of this was really difficult for me, and I asked him if we could not see other people. He seemed relieved that I was asking for this, and that he was in a similar space in the midst of NRE.

This arrangement has been difficult for me, because I basically go months without sex. But it would have been harder to cope with him seeing other people, so I dealt with it. (With my girlfriend, my jealousy hasn't kicked into gear, I think because she hasn't had prospects, or the desire to see anyone else.)

I still don't think I would handle it well if he saw other people. When I hear he is going to do something with his prior partner, I get anxious about him asking for permission to see her. The things that I need to cope with jealousy are not present when we are far apart. He is more emotionally distant when we're apart, and I have a pretty high need for emotional intimacy, so this is already hard for me to cope with. I'm not really getting my needs met there, but I think I can hang in there until I finish school and can move. I also think I need cuddles to reassure me when I'm coping with jealousy.

I have been going along, figuring that he was still sensitive about me being with other people. Apparently not. The possibility of me being with someone else came up (my girlfriend was reading more into a situation than was actually there), and he said he wasn't concerned about that possibility. And that we could discuss it when I come to visit next week. He communicates better in person, and hard conversations especially are better done in person.

I would definitely like to have a local partner, but I don't think I could handle him being with someone else. I feel ridiculous asking to see other people unless I grant them both the same. The only thing that has changed is that option is now back on the table, and my own jealousy is the biggest barrier between me and getting my sexual needs met.

I don't think there are any easy answers to this, but kind of wanted to vent, and see if anyone has any thoughts.

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