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-   -   What is the line between being selfish and communicating your needs? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=47180)

Ssandra 05-16-2013 10:30 PM

What is the line between being selfish and communicating your needs?
 
Just something that I was thinking about today. How do you know where your line is? When you go over it? When you don't take your own needs into consideration enough in order not to be selfish?

BigGuy 05-17-2013 01:19 AM

If you hold back in communicating your needs, then you are not being fully honest, or lying by omission. Communicating has nothing to to with selfishness.

BoringGuy 05-17-2013 01:48 AM

Think of it this way: you have the right to listen to your music as loud as you want, but that right ends with my right to enjoy my peace and quiet. Unfortunately, we need sound ordinances and "quiet hours" because some people can't seem to figure out that they share a planet with 7+ billion other people.

Now take all that, and apply it to your relationships: are you a loud music type? Or a quiet-hour type?

If you tell me to "just wear earplugs", the conversation is forfeited.

choctaw103 05-17-2013 02:12 AM

Isn't selfish kind of self imposed? I was an only child and I must actively decide not to be "selfish". From the time I was 7 until the time I was 16 I was effectively on my own, so do you fault someone who has had to self suffice for that long for having a hard time considering other people? I really had to go and self-evaluate to reign that in. In essence I guess I am just saying your partners technically make the call, but if you are smart you have already taken those opinions into consideration and factored all of that in before you became "selfish".

EdmCouple 05-17-2013 02:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ssandra (Post 204707)
Just something that I was thinking about today. How do you know where your line is? When you go over it? When you don't take your own needs into consideration enough in order not to be selfish?

Selfish should not even come into the equation. Communication is key at all times. Even if you feel that perhaps you are being over the top and selfish, you still need to communicate that, and have a discussion with your partner about it. As long as you are open to the fact that perhaps you are being selfish, this can still be a constructive conversation.

GalaGirl 05-17-2013 02:53 AM

IMHO?

You can always ASK. Making a request, or making a person aware of things is communicating what's going on with you. Nobody is a mind reader. They cannot know unless you disclose.

Expecting fulfillment JUST because you say? The other person is not allowed to say "No thank you?" without you holding it against them somehow or acting out at them? That's is not asking. That's demanding and it is fresh.

The person may not be willing, able, or interested in meeting your request. They have free will.

I think "self-full" is the balanced place in between selfish (all about me at your expense) and selfless. (all about you at my expense).

The place where I can meet both my own reasonable needs, and your reasonable needs. And vice versa. People do the things for each other because they are willing and want to, not because it comes out of their hide.

Galagirl

Somegeezer 05-17-2013 12:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BoringGuy (Post 204718)
Think of it this way: you have the right to listen to your music as loud as you want, but that right ends with my right to enjoy my peace and quiet. Unfortunately, we need sound ordinances and "quiet hours" because some people can't seem to figure out that they share a planet with 7+ billion other people.

Now take all that, and apply it to your relationships: are you a loud music type? Or a quiet-hour type?

If you tell me to "just wear earplugs", the conversation is forfeited.

Noise regulations are in place for the exact reason of it not being clear.
I have the right to throw my music into your ear holes all I wish, up to certain volumes and certain times.
I'll happily use those levels and times up to the very point of allowance. =]


I think GalaGirl made the point best. Certainly better than I would have.

BoringGuy 05-17-2013 01:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Somegeezer (Post 204829)
Noise regulations are in place for the exact reason of it not being clear.
I have the right to throw my music into your ear holes all I wish, up to certain volumes and certain times.
I'll happily use those levels and times up to the very point of allowance. =]


I think GalaGirl made the point best. Certainly better than I would have.


Good thing you live over there and i live over here.

Ssandra 05-17-2013 04:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BoringGuy (Post 204718)
Think of it this way: you have the right to listen to your music as loud as you want, but that right ends with my right to enjoy my peace and quiet. Unfortunately, we need sound ordinances and "quiet hours" because some people can't seem to figure out that they share a planet with 7+ billion other people.

Now take all that, and apply it to your relationships: are you a loud music type? Or a quiet-hour type?

If you tell me to "just wear earplugs", the conversation is forfeited.

Personally, I'd keep quiet if my music disturbs other people, except for maybe once in a little while (with previous agreement) for a party or something :)

pollyanna 05-17-2013 05:21 PM

i think a good barometer (for me anyway) is asking myself 'how would i feel if the shoe was on the other foot?' If i'd (honestly) be ok with MY asking for a weekend away alone with one of our partners, then i'd have to be ok with them asking for it. If I would resent dh spending 6 nites out of 7 then I couldn't insist on having that myself.

I think 'do unto others'...is still a good policy.


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