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-   -   Dating & Mojo (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=47077)

torontopolyguy 05-15-2013 04:51 PM

Dating & Mojo
 
Hi all,

New to the community and to the lifestyle. In need of some support, big time.

My gf & I are non-monogamous (committed, living together but not engaged yet). She's bi, I'm straight. She's younger and very attractive, I'm a bit older and slightly above average looks.

She's naturally very flirty, so with that, her youth and looks, she has no problem finding other people to date/play with.

I, on the other hand, am experiencing a LOT of rejection. I've been sexually repressed for along time, so my sexuality doesn't come out very naturally. If I'm lucky enough to get a date with someone, I usually get the 'Hey, i support what you're doing, but getting involved with someone who's non-monogamous isn't something I'm into.' A part of me understands that not everyone will be accepting, but a bigger part of me thinks this is just an excuse to reject me because they're just not interested. In short, I feel like I've lost my mojo entirely, and that even thought I have 'limitless options,' nobody is interested.

I'd like to hear from everyone, and especially the guys, on how to date while in a committed relationship. My partner and I aren't public about our relationship, so I'm wondering if there are any tips/thoughts on how and when to bring up the fact that you're open to someone you're interested in.

I know I'm rambling now, and I know that my first post is coming across as pretty needy. I promise to contribute more as I get more involved in the community, but right now, I just need help.

nllswing 05-16-2013 04:12 AM

torontopolyguy,

Welcome to the forums :)

It is easier said than done, but don't let the frustration show in your communication with potential dates. I am not sure what you have tried, but here are a couple of ides.

1. Go with your girlfriend to a "clothes optional" resort. Even if you are not interested in swinging or recreational sex, you can meet people who are open, flirty, approachable, and who are not necessarily swingers. Also, hanging in the conversation pool for a couple hours per day over a few days may result in you making more friends that in years of online "dating."

2. Use sites like OKCupid and contact people who are "available" and either state that they are non-monogamous or have omitted the "must be married" from the "you should contact me if" field. Also, once you answer the poly-oriented questions, look for people with whom you have at least 90% match.

2.a. Location may matter when it comes to dating sites. I tried for a few months to befriend anyone on OKCupid while I was living in Manhattan - despite the seemingly large number of women, nothing materialized, not even a meet up. After I moved to Connecticut three weeks ago, I decided to try the site again. In a week I met one person and have two more dates lined up (and this is from contacting no more than 10 people in total).

3. Looks. You mentioned that you are a bit older. If you show any signs of baldness, I'd suggest shaving the scull. Whether we like it or not, it seems that shaved beats balding by large margin.

Best of luck,

Nllswing

Magdlyn 05-16-2013 12:58 PM

Hehe, I concur with shaving or closely clipping your hair if you're more than slightly balding. How old are you, anyway? How old is your gf? If you're over 45 and still have the Tom Selleck/Wilford Brimley mustache, shave it off, or trim it down and grow a goatee or beard to match.

God, I hate those pornstaches, and I'm 57.

I am a woman, but I've had good luck on okc the last 4 years. Lots of (poly) guys here don't, but I suspect their profiles and pix suck, and also that they write crappy opening PMs to women they are interested in.

And what's up with the sexual repression? Do you need to work on being more comfortable with your sexuality? Is your gf looking for more partners because you don't meet her sexual needs? Have you had disappointed ladyfriends in the past?

Personally I am really comfortable with my sexuality, and my okc profile reflects that, but not in a gross way!

Wolfwood 05-16-2013 04:48 PM

First, you're a guy so get used to rejection. It happens. Dating is kind of a numbers game. Keep at it and eventually you'll find somebody who suits you. In the meantime, do what you can to improve your looks and posture, broaden your social networks, and practice your flirting (i.e. talk to everyone).

Or, and this is a trump card, learn to social dance (blues, salsa, swing, tango, etc.).. there's really no easier way to meet people or impress members of the opposite sex.

-Wolf

CherryBlossomGirl 05-16-2013 07:19 PM

Searchwords on OKCupid
 
It is definitely a women's game on-line, but that doesn't mean that you won't make connections, just that it's harder, as competition is intense on-line.

You can go to poly events in your community - chances are there is a discussion/social group, or online group nearby.

You can search specific words on OKCupid - I use words like 'poly' 'polyamorous' 'non-monogamous' 'open' and get lots of results.

I helped my husband write his OKCupid profile, and give him tips to get him noticed online. I chose his pictures, and made sure that he had a "female friendly" page that has been generating a fair amount of interest, as well as some actual first contact emails.

Keep on looking, and don't give up hope - your special lady/ladies are out there.

torontopolyguy 05-17-2013 03:01 AM

Thanks all. Appreciate the time!

I'm trying to avoid OKC as it leaves 'proof' of being poly/open, and we're trying to stay discreet. I've had luck on there in the past when I was single, though, so I may have to re-open that conversation.

As for sexual repression: i grew up in a 'All men want is sex. they're such pigs' environment. That, followed up by two relationships in my formative years where girls would control my sexuality, led to me not being connected to my sexual side. Example: gf found out i watched porn, and tried to commit suicide.

I absolutely do need to work on accepting my sexuality. No idea how, really, but I'm trying.

I'm 34, btw, and of slightly above attractiveness. I'm definitely more 'handsome' than 'sexy' and I tend to keep my conversations PG with almost everyone i meet, to avoid creeping people out. (see? repressed).

Lots to work on i think...

Derbylicious 05-17-2013 04:30 AM

How does one determine what level of attractiveness they are?

nancyfore 05-17-2013 04:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by torontopolyguy (Post 204735)
Thanks all. Appreciate the time!

I'm trying to avoid OKC as it leaves 'proof' of being poly/open, and we're trying to stay discreet. I've had luck on there in the past when I was single, though, so I may have to re-open that conversation.

As for sexual repression: i grew up in a 'All men want is sex. they're such pigs' environment. That, followed up by two relationships in my formative years where girls would control my sexuality, led to me not being connected to my sexual side. Example: gf found out i watched porn, and tried to commit suicide.

I absolutely do need to work on accepting my sexuality. No idea how, really, but I'm trying.

I'm 34, btw, and of slightly above attractiveness. I'm definitely more 'handsome' than 'sexy' and I tend to keep my conversations PG with almost everyone i meet, to avoid creeping people out. (see? repressed).

Lots to work on i think...

Sorry to hear about your former gf... but, there is/was something more going on with your gf than just catching you watching porn in order for her to try suicide. You should not internalize that or dwell on it and definitely understand that you were not the cause of her attempt.

You certainly can find a way to be discreet even on OKC.

There are women out there, just keep trying. I know it can be discouraging at times, but keep your chin up. Women are less attracted to a defeatist attitude than a man with a lot of self confidence.

Also like the others have suggested... try a hobby, go running, dancing, a college class, get out and meet friends first. Your more likely to have success by organically growing a relationship than finding one out of the blue on a dating site..

Magdlyn 05-17-2013 11:24 AM

All men are not pigs. Some are, but then, so are some women.

I think it's fairly important to be sex positive when one is polyamorous. It's important when dating to exude some confidence and to flirt, compliment. Healthy sexuality is a gift, a pleasure to be enjoyed. Women like sex too, you know. Some of us have even embraced our slutdom, reclaimed the word and the concept.

Of course, testosterone can and does make some men almost obsessive about sex. So, while sex is great, fun, bonding, exciting and stress reducing, it's important to cultivate other interests so you do NOT come across as "only wanting one thing." You don't just want one thing, sex, out of life, do you?

Getting dates on okc can be more difficult if you don't have some pix up, but it can be done. Pix can be taken that look somewhat attractive even if they don't show your face fully. I once dated a married Harvard professor (whose marriage was open), for example, who didn't have any photos up that revealed his face. He attracted me with his mind and wit and sent me a pic soon enough.


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