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-   -   Former Dom BF suddenly not a Dom nor poly anymore (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=46976)

gaiasrevenge 05-14-2013 04:27 PM

Former Dom BF suddenly not a Dom nor poly anymore
Hello all.

I first joined this board a little over a year ago, didn't post much but read around as I began to accept a poly setup was what I really wanted in my life. I'll try to make this as short as I can, but I can't promise anything ;).

Early last year, I discussed with my husband (who I'll call J henceforth) of 6 years (together 12, now 7 and 13 respectively) the desire I had to open our marriage. We talked, a lot, and decided to go for it. Both signed up on various dating sites.

April 2012 - I start chatting to A, we get on very well.

May 2012 - A and myself meet up in person, click, begin a sexual "friends with benefits" deal. A tells me about FetLife (how had I never heard of that before I don't know!!) and his Dom tendancies. J and myself have dabbled in BDSM since year dot, so these things aren't an issue to me whatsoever.

By June 2012 - A is saying he loves me, wants to collar me and proclaim I am his submissive. I'm concerned this is a little fast, and I say so. We agree that we are now more than friends, "proper boyfriend and girlfriend," he says, but the D/s needs more time, we are both happy with a Top/bottom arrangement.

September 2012 - Husband J is getting closer to a girl he is at college with (JS) and is doing really well being a friend to A (they're watching the WWE together and all sorts).

October/November 2012 - J gets together with JS, all four of us get on and things are pretty good. I tell A I'm starting to feel happy about a deeper D/s dynamic, but he says can we leave it as it is? I'm all kinds of OK with that!!

January 2013 - I am sensing an issue with the D/s dynamic at this point. We discuss it, after a LOT of pushing from me and protests of, "Do we have to talk about serious stuff?" from A. He says he isn't feeling too Domly anymore and prefers the BF/GF stuff we do (watching movies, going to the pub, more nilla sex etc) to the kink. We tone down the D/s.

J and JS are doing well, BTW, talking about long term things and such.

A good few months!

April 2013 - JS has been very cool towards J. He asks outright if she still wants to date him or not, after a lot of evasion. JS says no.

Cusp of April/May 2013 - A is supposed to be coming to see me one weekend. He keeps moaning about being tired and basically acting like he's not too interested. I (like J did with JS) ask outright if he's still bothered about our relationship because he seems to have been cooling off for some time.

Next thing I see - A has posted a flouncy note on FetLife saying he's having some "Time Out". The following day he comes to see me (when he was originally to stay the night previous) and says, "I'm just not sure if poly and BDSM is for me anymore."

Soooooo......here's my real beef:

How can poly be "prefect for my situation" (A is in debt and can't live independently at the moment, so a relationship with little to no financial commitments seemed good for him) one week then suddenly not be what you want?

How come when I've tried to talk to him about what he'd like for our relationship has he avioded the issue? We could have talked about all this. I've made it clear to A I believe relationships can be renegotiated as much as they need to be.

A says he wants to be friends, but I have no real idea what that means. He says he needs time to "decide what he wants". He hasn't actually said he doesn't want a relationship with me anymore, or if he wants a temporary break, or what. He's just asked for "time" because "things are fragile" and he "doesn't want to bugger things up totally" when I've asked for clarity.

I suspect he was just too damn horny to begin with to really think through the reality of the situation. He claimed to have been in a poly relationship before (which is why I figured he'd be a good pick for my first) but it turns out he had an online "relationship" with a woman in the States (we're in the UK) who also had a BF in the US (and uncermoniously texted A to tell him she was moving in with said BF so couldn't do their online thing anymore, kthanxbye), so it's hardly the experience I feel he claimed.

I'm not sure if I can continue being friends with him since he won't qualify exactly what the issues are. However, we had a good connection, and I don't want to just tell him to fuck off if he's just having a weird brainstorm he'll regret in a month. Any advice/thoughts?

AnnabelMore 05-14-2013 04:40 PM

Give him time. But, if you guys re-enage as partners, make it under the condition that he get way, way better at communicating things to you as they're happening, not once they're too big to do anything about.

gaiasrevenge 05-14-2013 05:59 PM

Thanks for that. There is a lot going on with his life at the mo. He's maybe losing his job, his parents are supposedly being insufferable regarding him still being there (although they've been lovely whenever I've been there) and the end of his debt management thing has probably just thrown him a few too many curve balls right now.

pollyanna 05-14-2013 09:23 PM

when i first stepped into the world of bdsm, i was convinced I was a submissive. i love strong, confident men; I like to cater to the pleasures of those men in bed and out. Then one of the first dominants I ever dated said one day "Darlin, you don't have a submissive bone in your body". And he was mostly right.

I know people who want to switch roles (in fact, they are called 'switches'-that would be me) and some who realize that what they first thought was their nature really was not.

And i have known people who,for whatever reason, have decided they no longer wish to engage in the bdsm lifestyle. I like it, enjoy it but for the most part, think i could live without it. Some people meet others and fall in love outside the bdsm community and move on to their happiness (altho i suspect they figure out how to get the new love to give a good spank now and then ;) ).

From what you have posted, OP, i wonder if he hasn't met someone else and wants to keep you hanging on while he explores the new relationship. Just a feeling I get.

JaneQSmythe 05-16-2013 03:17 AM


Originally Posted by pollyanna (Post 204030)
From what you have posted, OP, i wonder if he hasn't met someone else and wants to keep you hanging on while he explores the new relationship. Just a feeling I get.

For the record, I second this "gut feeling". My first thought was - "He's got a possible new girl (maybe mono? vanilla? - so he he trying on not-poly, not-kinky to see if it could fit) but isn't sure if things are going to progress."

I'd take a step back. Let go of expectations. And see what comes out in the wash. Whether you decide to "stay friends" or re-engage would depend on how he handles whatever it is.


GalaGirl 05-16-2013 02:00 PM


How come when I've tried to talk to him about what he'd like for our relationship has he avioded the issue?
Because he's not willing to disclose, and meet your need for responsiveness at this time, for whatever reason.

You could go about meeting your own need for peace of mind then. Could ask where you stand:

"Do you mean "friends" like actual companions and friends? Just not lovers?"
"Or "friends" like this is the non-breakup move? Not friends, not lovers?"

If he hems and haws, it the "non-break up" break up move.

Or you could inform him where YOU stand.

"We are broken up. This is too nonresponsive for me."

If you decide to get back together later -- do not agree until the responsiveness thing is resolved.


Malfunktions 05-16-2013 06:13 PM

I agree with all of the above. I am a submissive who's been wearing a vanilla suit for the past few years. My SO is not as dominant as I would have previously went for but there he was and I was willing to tone it down much to my surprise. But in the past year he's been opening up and stepping up closer to the Dom plate and I've been realizing that I'm not as committed to D/s as I used to be.

So I can see where maybe he has found someone that he would like to try on a "vanilla suit" for and want to back off from your arrangement. As far as the "I'm not poly anymore" announcement goes, IMHO, maybe he's just not cut out for it. Maybe he is a little more mono than even he realized. Again, something i can relate to: My SO just admitted that he doesn't want to be dating around anymore, that maybe he's just made to be mono. That's how he feels right now. He waivers. Which is understandable.

I wouldn't cross him off the list. Give him the time he thinks he requires but be available to talk and be friends. Offer hang-out time just to get together and talk like friends would.

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