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-   -   How long do I wait? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=46936)

Lost421 05-14-2013 06:36 AM

How long do I wait?
I've been struggling with something for a while now. I'm happy my partner can find partners, be they short or long term, to love and feel close to, but am I ever going to get that with someone? It's only been six years since we opened ourselves up to poly relationships, and I've still never had a meaningful, or even meaningless (if there is such a thing) relationships outside of my primary. I'm a patient man, but there's only so far I can go before I start to think that something fundamentally unfair is going on. Not that it's my wife's fault, but all the same, how is it fair? I don't lack for attention or love, but all the same I feel like there is a part of me that withers as time goes on. I don't know, but I'm ready to give the whole thing up and just resign myself to never getting to experience something I've wanted to years. Should I just get over it and focus on my career and my goals of saving up for a house and let that side of me fade? I can't help but feel it will hurt terribly and I will regret it but I don't know how much longer I can handle expressing how I feel to someone I like and seeing the disdain or lack of acceptance in their eyes, losing a friend, losing another chance.

LovingRadiance 05-14-2013 07:37 AM

Everyone I know in real life, found the "right someone or someone's" when they stopped searching.
In intellectual discussions, we have all agreed that we are immediately put off by men and women "in pursuit". The reasons vary, but the bottomline is the same-it is a huge turn off.

So, My advice would be something between the two ends of the suggestion you made.
Don't give up hope, but stop seeking it.
Live your life, save for a house, be open about your polyness, let it show as a significant part of who you are and in time you will attract the person who is a match.
I know thats probably not what you want to hear-but it is what I have observed.

Lost421 05-15-2013 01:24 AM

I get it, but the thing is that I'm not actively in pursuit of anyone. I am not actively looking, but that isn't exactly working for me. I'm open enough about being poly, I'm not shouting it out to the world but I'm not keeping anything hidden either, it's just who I am. It's not as simple as quit looking and be yourself, because I'm not spending a hell of a lot of time looking and I am myself. Trouble is that I want to pursue people but I feel like that would be unfair and a waste of time anyways. My trouble is that if I have feelings for someone I don't want to find an excuse to let on that I'm poly, so then that person thinks I'm mono, so they may think there's no possibility. Being poly doesn't exactly come up in conversation, people just assume you're mono. I'm not going to run around telling everyone I'm poly, that's not how I roll. If it comes up in conversation, or if someone wonders where my wife is at when I have people over, etc. I'm not going to beat around the bush about it, she's out with her boyfriend. Trust me, I'm not chasing anyone around, I'm super casual about who I am and what my life is. I'm just getting tired of nothing happening.

LovingRadiance 05-15-2013 04:38 AM

I don't have any great "tried and true" suggestions. :(
I hear your frustration.

It is different for me, because I'm a woman, and right or wrong, there is a different attitude then for a man.

I can't really understand the dating/conversation about poly thing. In 4 years, I haven't met anyone that I engaged in conversation with for more than 5 minutes, who didn't hear about my husband and my boyfriend (and kids and grand kids-usually in exactly backwards order). That alone almost always results in them asking "you have a boyfriend and a husband?" which in turn results in poly coming up in the conversation.

That in and of itself insures that people know very well that I'm not mono-before the possibility of me being interested in them ever comes up.
I also have it posted on my facebook profile and other online profiles.

So, I don't really know how one would get through to that point if it wasn't that.... "out" in their life. We all live together, so it would be really hard for anyone to get to know any one of us without knowing. All of the guys coworkers know, same reason, it's impossible for it to not be obvious without great effort to conceal it. (I don't work, I'm in school, so I don't have coworkers).

I'm sorry that you are struggling and frustrated. :(

WhatHappened 05-15-2013 05:26 AM


I don't lack for attention....resign myself to never getting to experience something I've wanted to years.
Can you clarify, what it is you've wanted to experience? Having both a wife and a girlfriend?

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