Down the Rabbit Hole
It's so damn hard to find a name to title my blog! I literally wrote 4 different titles, but hell, I'll never start blogging if I can't move past the title.
I started posting here not to long ago, and have done quite a bit of reading through this forum, which has been immensely helpful. So I figure, why not write here and offer some insight for others and gain more on my life? I'm the kind of person that researches a thing to death to see how others have been successful so that I can build on that. I do it in my professional life, and even in my personal to some extent.
My story....really there's so much to cover, so I'll just start spitting it out and see where my thoughts lead :)
FJ is my husband of almost 14 years. We met when I was 14 and he was 17. We dated for 4 years until I was nearly 19, then we got married. At the time, we were enthusiastic young Christians, set on saving the world and ministering to orphans and widows. We weren't your kinda Christians that preached perfection or hell, we were always about love and community, even looking into living in a Christian commune type set up during college. We were dirty little hippies spreading Jesus's love and acceptance lol. FJ and I made the commitment to stay virgins until our wedding night. It was so important to us at the time....and I still consider it to be a good experience for me. I came from a pretty effed up home life with lots of promiscuity from age 12-14, just shy of PIV sex. So for me, a lot of loving myself and sexual healing came out of the early relationship with FJ. There was certainly still some shame surrounding anytime FJ and I came close to sex....but we were committed no matter what, and made it....whatever that means.
When we got married, we were still in college, and had a roommate for the first year. This was all in line with our desire to be part of a community and share our lives with others. We had drum circles, pot lucks, bonfires and such all the time. After about 9 months of being married, I got pregnant unexpectedly (or expectedly?? I was practicing NFP lol). We were thrilled, and quickly started to make plans to buy a house and move. FJ got a decent job and put school on hold, while I continued to go through my bachelor's degree in Communications with an Interpersonal focus. I managed to graduate with a 3.5, 2 days before having my second child. All by the age of 21. I am nothing if not an overachiever! When we moved, we deliberately decided that we would move into the inner city to minister at a church we were attending. The church was all about being cross-cultural, healing racial wounds, and taking care of eachother.....at least we thought so :/ We lived in the ghetto for 5 years, with FJ's mother and eventually 4 children for 5 years. I don't say ghetto lightly....our next door neighbor was a crack dealer. As was the neighbor across the street. Their house caught on fire, cracking our windows because of the heat, gunshots were fired during police raids, and even a SWAT tank complete with masked men raided the house next door. All the while, the church we expected to be in this with us was caught up in liability issues surrounding ministering to hurting people. I mean, wtf?? We'd really like to love others and minister to the hurting....but you might sue us so we'll just stand back instead.
All the while, FJ had a job where he was working 3 days a week out of town. Plus 4 babies in 6 years....plus his crazy mom living with us. It was unraveling from the stress. We didn't fight much, but we certainly weren't connecting. We were unhappy with our lives, and so we decided to make a change. We decided to move out of the city to another state, in a rural area. We joke that we threw a dart on a map....it wasn't quite that simple...but it wasn't all that complicated either. So, in 2006 we moved from a big city of over 300,000 to a small town of just over 1,000, with the biggest neighboring town being less than 10,000. Big paradigm shift? Hell yeah, but we were excited about it.
For the first time in 7 years of marriage, we lived alone in a home together. We were tired of community and ministering....we needed to focus on each other and the kids for a while. And focus we did. Found out neither of us were sexually satisfied, and we got real honest about what turned us on, what our fantasies were, and what we felt like we were missing. We started having sex like bunnies, reconnecting on a spiritual and deeply emotional level. It was awesome! We were struggling to find jobs in this small area, but eventually managed to both land decent jobs. My husband in sales, and me doing something I LOVED part time while I still homeschooled the kids. For anonymity's sake, I won't say exactly what it was, but it was highly fulfilling, community building work that I got lots of public recognition for. And it was fun! If anything, FJ is more well-suited to be a stay at home dad than I am a stay at home mom. I'll insert our Myer's Briggs here (because I'm somewhat of a junkie) FJ is an INFP and I'm an ESTJ. I got pregnant with our 5th child, but it didn't interfere with the new job at all. Now I'm done procreating :)
Homeschooling was our ideal choice for giving our kids the freedom to learn what they needed and were interested in, we hated the structure and testing of public schools. But eventually, working became more of a priority for me because my husband wanted to open his own business, and we just couldn't do it without me going back to work full time. So we just finished our 1st year of public school for the oldest 4 kids which has gone swimmingly.
In our first 13 years of marriage, we went through some giant life changes-philosophically, emotionally and spiritually. I lost both of my parents before I turned 30, and had a couple of friends lose spouses the same year my mother died. To say that this was an intense year doesn't really manage to describe it. It's been 3 years since my mom passed, and it hurts worse now than it did. (I'll get into my sad family story later-too fresh after mothers day yesterday) I did what I do, and launched into full ministry mode to the 2 widows who lost spouses, making dinner every week, spending lots of time with them so they didn't feel alone, etc. I still had the ideal of a community, where everyone took care of each other, and love was the ultimate law. But it seemed that I was the only "Christian" doing any of this. I got seriously disillusioned, and had a major crisis of faith. And to be honest, I really am still in the midst of this crisis. Basically, my philosophy is that Love is the only thing that remains in the end. I have no room, nor patience in the short life for judgement, unforgiveness, hypocrisy, lying or general asshole-ishness. (totally a word) Give me an authentic human, living their life and figuring their shit out over a fake-ass prick any day :) Which leads me to now.....sort of.....tbc
My story continued.....
So, here I am. Strong marriage, 5 kids, full time work in community development, high profile in a small town, full of love and disillusioned with religion. When did polyamory or bisexuality come into the picture?
I've always been attracted to girls. Even had little girlfriends that I kissed as young as 8. Tried to get my best friend to kiss me when I was 13/14. Had an intense, non-romantic friendship for years with a girl who eventually came out as a lesbian. We gave each other massages and held hands, cuddled, and always thought it was so funny that people thought were were dating. Well, duh! If I hadn't been with FJ, and stuck up on a "Christian" view of what sex should look like, we probably would've ended up dating.
FJ and I have been very honest with our sexual wants, needs, desires, etc. for the past 7 years. We got into some really great convos about my bisexuality and my desires. Eventually it turned to communications about exploring my sexuality with a woman, which he was entirely comfortable with. I guess at this point, I didn't really have an expectation of whether it would be in a relationship or just a one-time experience. It was an option, but in our small community it didn't seem like it would ever happen.
I developed a major crush on a close friend of mine. Dreamed of her, talked to FJ of her....I had it bad. Tried to tell her....and I'm pretty sure she got it....but no dice. She never expressed interest back. I eventually got over my hardcore crushing, but not my desire to be with a woman.
Enter MD. MD has lived in this area forever. She is a bartender, and so EVERYONE knows who she is. And I have never heard a single word that wasn't positive about her. She's friendly, but so private, kind, but a smart-ass, tender but so strong and brave. She's a single-mother to the cutest 4 year old girl ever, let's call her Bug. And gorgeous. Simply stunning. She has the longest raven hair, that swings nearly to her petite little ass and around her curvy hips. Her eyes bore straight into my soul, and her mouth is pouty and soft. Yeah...I have it bad for her. But her laugh, her smile and her love draw me to her most of all.
One night I had a really successful event, and we were texting and she was still out having drinks for a friends bday. I asked if I could crash the party, and she said sure. We all had a good time, laughing, drinking dancing and joking until almost 2am. She surprised the hell out of my by flirting like crazy with me. She kept telling me how hot I was, and how she'd fuck me all night. Actually, at one point she said she'd fuck FJ too....little did I know lol! She couldn't drive, so I said I'd take her home, and the owner of the restaurant (who we are friends with) said "Yeah, I'll BET you'll taker her home".
We got back to her house and she invited me in, and I certainly hoped for a kiss. I wasn't nervous, which is strange, you'd think I would be. But I was strangely calm, but with an intensity. We sat down and smoked, talking and laughing. Slowly, we started playing footsie. (typing that sounds silly, but it was electric just to have her touch me). I leaned over and lightly wrapped my hand behind her neck, grabbing her hair gently, and leaned into kiss her soft lips. I literally melted inside. She could feel me melt, and leaned back and laughed a little, then came back to me for more. I reached under her shirt and pinched her nipple and she gasped. Lots of touching, some incredible chemistry, and a couple of orgasms later and I made my way home at 3:30. Texted her when I got home that she felt amazing. I was giddy with excitement, and told FJ right away. He smiled and rolled back over to sleep. I was proud of myself and so excited to see her again.
And there it starts....
The next morning, MD and I messaged like crazy. Are you ok? Do you want to do that again? Damn your lips tasted good! You're making me crazy! I'm blushing! When can I see you again?.....and on it went. Her birthday was 2 days later, and we had already planned to hang out with mutual friends at a local brewery. We plotted how to sneak off in the bathroom to make out, and worried about friends being able to read our vibe. We made excuses to sneak in kisses several times those next 2 days before we actually got to hang out again. But we were clearly out of our damn minds, we probably messaged non-stop without more than an hour between communications for all those days. We didn't want to fall asleep!
Here is where I have to talk about her ex, her baby-daddy. He's a fucktard. Plain and simple. He is the kind of asshole that cheats on a pregnant lover, and then cheats on his girlfriend with his baby-mama and 3 other girls. He was a pill-head (although he says he's off them now), not being able to go 6 hours without snorting a pill. When he broke up with MD, he didn't just break up, he tortured her at work (they work together), called her a fucking bitch, made up stories about how crazy she is, etc. And they went back and forth for 5 years....him being sweet and charming and then emotionally abusive without warning. He also can go for weeks without seeing his daughter, or paying the $150/mo child support he is responsible for. And let me tell you, I have 5 kids, and MD's daughter Bug is the most delightful, joyful, put-a-smile-on-your-face child that I've ever met. This asshole doesn't deserve that precious daughter. Ugh.
Well, he started sniffing around on her birthday. Sent her flowers. Told her he wanted to beat the pills. That he needed her. That she was the best thing that had ever happened to him. That he wanted to be a better father than he had. And MD decided to give him another try. Because she loves him...because she's a caretaker...because she has a hard time believing she'll ever find anyone...because she wants a family to be a part of. I'm sure there are many reasons she decided to give him another chance that I can't begin to understand.
But really, I did understand. I hadn't seen his fucktardery in person before this, and so I gave him a pass. I can totally understand addiction. My parents were both addicts. I was the caretaker from a very early age. I identify in deep ways. So I told her I would back off if she was going to reunite. She asked me not too, said she didn't know what would happen and that fucktard was on a very short leash. I was deep in NRE, and we kept at it as often as we could....all the while she was lying and hiding from fucktard.
We planned an out of town trip for the end of the month. We went to a concert, danced like crazy, and went back to a posh hotel and fucked all night. It was amazing. At the end of the night, I was gushing about how amazing this felt, and that I didn't ever want it to end. Typical lovey-dovey, unrealistic shit. Drunk on wine and love. She promptly said-"It's not like this can ever be more than it is. We can't tell anyone." Well shit. I was deflated like a big balloon. I didn't mean I wanted to get married or take out a billboard. I was just talking about my feelings. Went to bed a little wounded that night. After we got back, she definitely stopped saying the hot and sexy stuff I was used to hearing. It was solid friendship texts about our days, etc. Finally I just said "I'm into you. I want to hang out and be with you. Nothing has changed for me. You just let me know what you want." The convo progressed, and it was clear to me she wanted to continue with her ex, and lying wasn't going to work anymore. So I broke it off and said I'd step back.....
The saga continues
Shoo....took a break from writing about all this to actually deal with all this. I find myself wanting to catch up though, so I can get to the current state of affairs.
So, MD committed to making it work with her ex. I was fully supportive, and told her that I would never get in the way of her best chance with the father of her child, and someone she truly loved. We continued to talk all the time, and saw each other quite a bit, but all platonically. Her ex continued to snort pills, and was often out without explanation until 3 or 4. She was trying to make it work, but he was clearly not ready to get clean. I supported her through this time as a friend.
This is where I should insert some of my past. My parents met and married just after 6 months because my mother was pregnant with me. My father was in bands that played frequently, and he was an alcoholic and a philanderer. He was also a deeply artistic and loving man. He had major demons though, and it colored the first 12 years of my life. My mother was never really happy, and I remember taking care of her and worrying about how sad she was-some of my earliest memories in fact. They fought a lot, sometimes loudly and with broken plates, guitars, etc. I had a little brother too, and we stuck together and made it through our childhood together. I have a tape of myself as a little girl singing that I was the mother of everyone. So-I was definitely a caretaker, mothering type from a very early age. Still am, and to a fault. When I was 9, my father was in a car accident after a gig one night, and his friends got hurt. He was high on cocaine and drunk, and went to jail for 6 months. We moved away during this time, but moved back shortly after my 10th birthday. When we got back, my dad slowly started getting sober and stopped playing gigs. He was diagnosed with Hep C around my 12th birthday, which finally did the trick to get him truly sober. Unfortunately, my mom didn't cope with the transition well. And hell, I can't begin to imagine what it was like for her to live like that for so long. Unhappy, not in love, taken advantage of, unfulfilled....sigh. So she started drinking heavy and staying out all hours when I was 15. She divorced my father around then, and started sleeping with others, eventually settling with a guy who I despised. She lost our house in foreclosure just after I went away to college at 17, and her and my little bro moved in with the jackass. My mother continued to drink heavily, was not really involved in my life emotionally, despite me starting to have babies. In fact my mother was never really emotionally invested as a mother....we were just very opposite. I always felt like I was taking care of her, like I was smarter than her, and like I had my shit together more than her. Which in all honesty, I did. But it led to resentment and a real rift in our relationship.
My father's health was ailing, and he was on a transplant list for a new liver. He passed away when my 2nd child was just 2 weeks old, and it crushed me. As an adult, we had just forged a new and special relationship, with many of my past pains being healed. He loved his grand baby, and was so supportive of me. I was only 22 at the time.
My mom and her boyfriend eventually broke up, but her life just sorta spiraled downward. She was absolutely clinically depressed, and her drinking just got worse. My grandmother passed away in 2006, and it crushed my mom. She moved across country to be with my grandfather, but she was in absolutely no state to take care of anyone. That blew up in a giant fight, and she got on a bus and moved to our rural town. At this point, I was pretty good at setting up boundaries to protect myself and our family life. She had 2 weeks to find her own apartment, which she did just down the street from us. I tried to repair that relationship, but her drinking didn't slow down. Found a water bottle she left in my van after a MORNING shopping trip that was watered down vodka. One of my kids was about to drink it. She was walking to our house one morning around 9am, and fell and needed 7 stitches in her forehead....she was already/still drunk that early in the morning. I begged her to embrace the good things in her life-the kids, our family, work, new friends, hobbies, whatever! It eventually wasn't enough to save her. When I was 7 months pregnant with my 5th child, I went to her apartment with the other 4 kids and she didn't answer the door. My mother passed away in 2009, her drinking eventually killed her.
Where as I miss my dad, we had a chance to heal our relationship. I mourn that my kids don't know how amazing and loving he was, but the pain is bearable. With my mom's death, it still feels like I couldn't save her. Like ultimately she rejected me and chose death. In my mind, I know logically that there was never anything I could do to save her from herself. Not when I was just a girl, and not as an adult. That was her journey to travel for herself. But the pain is still very real, and it cuts me to my care-taker core.
So back to MD....during the time she was trying to make it work with her ex, I was struggling through some major turmoil of my own. Watching the addiction cycle so closely brought up feelings I had buried about my own mother. It was an intense personal journey for me, because I had to separate my issues with my mother from my feelings for MD. They were a tangled mess, and I was in a dark place for awhile. I was supporting MD, and dealing with my personal work by myself. I didn't talk much about them with FJ, and not at all with MD. I was drinking more than I should've and emotionally withdrawing from all sorts of shit. But I took a hard look, and got some good counsel from a friend I did open up to, and started to do the hard inner work. That work is far from over, but it was so helpful to pinpoint my pain and separate my feelings for MD.
MD's ex ended up abruptly leaving to "get clean" at his mom's shortly after Christmas. He stopped talking to MD and Bug, without much explanation. Started his old pattern of insulting and alienating MD, and back to the work torture. She was a mess. She was devastated, and leaned on me as a friend a lot for the next month. She tells me that I pulled her out of a dark place, and I'm so glad I could be there for her.
So, there is a very strong friendship here between the 2 of us. She also lost her dad when she was in her early 20s, and we really connect about that. I would never want to lose her friendship. But all the while, my feelings for her never changed. I loved her and wanted to be with her even more at this point.
Well, MD and I eventually did end up starting up our romance again. I had a few work commitments that took me out of town, so we didn't see each other like we were used to. When I returned, she was flirting hard, and since my feelings hadn't changed, I dove headlong into it again. This is about the time I started to read on forums and get some idea about what polyamory meant. I started to feel more confident that this didn't have to be a doomed relationship, and that with communication and care we could have something special.
We were already very special to each other, and quickly fell in love. And this isn't NRE talking. We were both shocked at how deeply we felt for each other. MD was especially surprised because she hadn't been this physical with a woman before. She had kissed girls here and there, but always as a drunk fun time out partying. This was obviously different. We spent hours looking into each other's eyes, listening to music, kissing, touching, talking, loving. I was caught up in NRE a bit at this point, and neglecting FJ's time needs, not to mention my responsibilities at home. Some conversations, and boundaries relating to time management were established, and things felt good.
Starting in March, things started to feel weird. MD had hung out with FJ and our kids a couple of times for dinner, and we had had a great time. (I could tell they had a mutual interest in each other at this point, but didn't say anything and journaled it) I came out to my best friend, who freaked out, but MD talked me through it and I thought we were on the same page. But shortly thereafter, she started gradually saying no to my invitations to do things, and the tone of our messages completely changed. (We message a lot via text because our work schedules are usually opposite) When I said things like I love you, or I miss you-which she and I always said back and forth very equally-they were completely ignored. I eventually asked her what was going on after about 2 weeks of giving her some space and things not changing. She said she was overwhelmed with life, and just needed some time alone with Bug but that she loved me, and nothing was wrong.
Well, things stayed on a friendship level, with no flirting, nothing physical and hardly seeing her for almost a month. During this time, we would chat about life, but there wasn't much else going on. I didn't let on that I was freaking out on the inside, but I was. I was analyzing every damn message, obsessing if I saw she was online but hadn't read my message, wondered if she was re-connecting with her ex....on and on. It sucked, and I had a lot of inner work to do to control those feelings. I felt like an idiot for ever thinking this could work, and tried my hardest to focus my energies at home, with FJ and on outside interests.
At the end of March, I ran into her at a local hangout when she was out with her brother and sister-in-law. She was super friendly and invited me to join her family for dinner. I did, and she thanked me afterwards for being her date, and she mildly flirted. I was so surprised to have even been invited to dinner, we hadn't seen each other for a while, so it was really nice. The next week she bartended an event that I put on, and I felt like I was showing her off :) She is so good at what she does, and everyone raved about a specialty drink she had created for the event. She was flirting with me that night, and although I was confused, I was so happy. That night we had some heavy hitting flirting sessions, and I mentioned that I thought FJ had a crush on her. We talked about the idea of all of us together, and what that would be like, and we were both excited about it. For the next couple of days, I saw her on lunch breaks and such, and we rekindled our physical relationship. The next weekend she came over to make cookies, and we got a lot more than sugar cookies to eat that night :)
A triad develops....
Our first threesome was great. I was the one most comfortable with the whole situation, FJ & MD were obviously nervous. But they were cute, and spoiled the hell out of me.
We started cuddling in FJ & I's bedroom and lightly kissing each other, I was in the middle. I was so overwhelmed with sheer delight by having both of my lovers next to me touching me, and sharing affection for eachother. It's almost like an out of body experience when I think remember it. I can close my eyes and see MD's face while she was orgasming by my hand and FJ was kissing her. To say I was happy is hardly the right word. Ecstatic is more like it. At one point, I was on all fours kissing MD and had just brought her to orgasm when FJ came behind me and started having sex with me. MD went to work on me, kissing and rubbing and I nearly melted into a puddle right there on the bed. I was definitely spoiled that night! FJ is early to bed most nights, so he passed out and MD and I continued to play in the living room under the covers. I spent some extra time on her so she could feel as amazing as I did. We finally both fell asleep-her in the living room and FJ & I in the room. Unfortunately, we couldn't all sleep together because of the kids waking in the morning.
The next day everyone checked in with eachother, and everyone was happy. No worries from me at all, I was completely over the moon. Both of my partners were so concerned for my well being, I felt great. Seriously will always be in my top 10 fave sex experiences ever.
6 months can really feel like years!
Shoo....I don't know if I'll ever catch up on this story! I have so much going on, I just want to go out of order lol.
After our first threesome on that Saturday, the next Monday I got to spend the night with MD solo. Bug was at her dad's, so we had the place to ourselves. To this date, it remains my most treasured time with her so far. We were newly vulnerable in a way that we had not been before. The sex was amazing, but so was gazing into each other's eyes and holding hands. There was such an electricity, such a connection. But we lingered and took our time just enjoying each other. We laughed, we ate, we touched, we kissed...god her kisses! She will grab my face in her hands and kiss me. I swear to god my whole body melts. She has said she can feel me physically swoon lol. :)
Deep in the throes of NRE again, we were launched into crazy land again! We texted and sexted and didn't really stop for days. At this point FJ and MD texted some-mostly flirty texts and basic how are you kinda stuff. MD & I were having the intense convos about how much we loved each other, about how beautiful our love felt, how natural we felt together, how amazing we thought the other was.....on and on. We were both on cloud 9. MD was asked several times if she had lost weight, and told that she was glowing and looked gorgeous :) Love looks good on her!
FJ & I spent lots of time reflecting...as I'm writing this I realize I'm focusing on the details of MD & I....because the relationship that FJ and I have is just sort of unspoken. But lest the reader think I take him for granted....absolutely not! After the threesome with MD, we talked and talked and talked some more. We were both very much on the same page as far as what our expectations and boundaries were. I was extra attentive to him, his love language is physical touch. So we spent lots of time cuddling, fucking, kissing, touching and taking care of each other. He expressed some surprise and a twinge of jealousy at how intense MD and I were with each other during the first threesome. He wasn't upset, but he hadn't realized how deep our relationship had become so quickly. He was happy for us, feeling total compersion and encouraging. I love this man so much, he really is the best person I know. I don't know another soul who is as kind and caring. He is also the very best father I know. We are equals in everything-we pick up each other's slack without even having to ask most of the time. We worked hard to get to this point, but we now seem to have an almost effortless time working and living and loving together. This is special to me-and so comforting. And lest you think he's just such a super-nice guy-he's also hot as hell with the most piercing eyes and yummy lips. He gets kinky in just the right ways in the bedroom.....taking charge at just the right moments ;)
MD & I spent some time together that Thurs night as well after one of my events. That was also amazing, but we had been drinking so it was a little drunken lol. Nothing wrong with it, I just prefer a sober fuck :) But it was great to see her.
That Saturday we couldn't wait to all be together again! The time we all spend together with the kids is great. All of my kids love MD. I think it's so important for kids to have other adults in their lives that they can trust and that care about them besides their parents. An adult in my childhood made all the difference and seriously saved me from traveling a path that may have ended in death. Anyways-my kids get excited to see MD, even my adolescent children who act like they could care less about anything lol! She loves them, we love Bug, and we laugh and relax and just enjoy our time together.
Of course when the lights go out.....we start to play :) This time FJ & MD weren't as nervous! They tied me up and tortured the hell out of me...in the best way. Watching them kiss over me while touching me was ah-ma-zing. Sigh...I loved every second of it. At one point, I moved to the other side of the bed and made FJ get in the middle :D He and MD did have PIV sex that night, and they were both lost in each other. I was giddy with joy for the both of them. Real compersion! We played for 4 hours of sweaty, loving fun. Lord have mercy, it was amazing.
The third time we were together was not long after, I've written about it here, so I'll just link it: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=44492
I finally hit a wall. My emotions were EVERYWHERE, and I managed to freak my partners out :( I think I'm still reaping the consequences of that freak out....sigh. Living, learning, loving, growing.
Now where are we at?
So, to catch us up to now....
MD asked for some space and a "break" a couple of times last month. The request usually came after an intense convo where I would be pressing her to communicate her needs, etc. Here is where I admit that I did not handle this situation well at all. I freaked, I analyzed everything....and generally became a version of myself that I didn't recognize. I am a happy, confident, easy-going girl who loves life. The fear of rejection from MD sent me into this weird tailspin of constant worry, insecurity and obsession. Upon lots of reflection and soul searching I think there are 2 main reasons why I reacted badly:
1. Last time I navigated the waters of a new relationship....I was a teenager. An idealistic teenager with nothing but time. I am an adult now....needed to change my perspective.
2. MD reminds me of my mother in some ways. Given my complicated feelings about my mother, and my recent loss of her....feeling rejection from MD triggered some hardcore mommy problems.....needed to untangle those emotions from the actual situation.
What it came down to was a realization that the pressure from me to try and make MD define herself NOW in my life was unbearable and unfair. Hell, I needed a break from myself. Our relationship is just too new to be able to withstand such intense scrutiny all the time. I apologized for acting like a teenager, and communicated my new commitment to really stop analyzing every little thing and live in the moment as it came. That helped tremendously, and MD apologized for being uncool too, and we slowly started talking again.
We all three hung out on Memorial Day for the first time after the "break" and it was good but weird. I posted here that I wasn't sure if I wanted to just dive back in without some idea of what the hell was going on. I chilled out and just let it be-remember my new commitment to calm the fuck down? We all enjoyed hanging out, some minor flirting, but really just easing back into being together after a rough spot.
Since then, MD has initiated some conversations about what was bothering her, and asked me how I was feeling and they've brought us back to an easy place with each other. Her and FJ are working on developing their own dyad relationship, which I am very happy about. I let them both know that there was a lot of pressure on me to be on the same page as the two of them, and I'm just not. My relationship with FJ is familiar and comfortable, and my relationship with MD has lost some of the newness and I just need my own space to figure out what "we" are on our own.
So, FJ & MD hung out solo for a few hours last week, and they had a good time getting to know each other. There was some kissing, but again, everyone is taking the sex thing slowly for now. Reconnecting emotionally, and slowly feels really good. I feel reassured that we're trying to do this the right way, and not get swept away by NRE crazy business.
MD & I spent the weekend packing and cleaning for an upcoming move. She is moving to a larger place, about 10 minutes closer to us :) So there will be room for the kids to spend the night and we can all hang more often. We are all pretty excited about it. We were exhausted, but got to snuggle and hold each other after a long day of work. Slow & steady building a relationship that isn't just hot and steamy without a foundation of love & trust.
I still struggle with feelings of insecurity about MD & I's relationship. I worry she's not physically attracted to me anymore. Just nagging in the back of my mind. But I'm just going to go with the moment, and let it naturally develop however it will.
Kudos on discovering possible reasons why you reacted the way you did. Now, you know what you need to do to move forward and continue growing. I am also happy to read that things are better and much more at ease. I hope that the move goes well and that MD settles into her new place. :)
Thanks Ry! Things feel good right now....just trying to keep the balance and slow my brain down when I feel imbalanced and get to the root of things. It's a good exercise for me not to over-talk every little feeling I'm having and find a way to deal with my shit internally.
This weekend FJ & I are going away to celebrate our 14th anniversary :D FJ booked a little cabin in NC for us, and I'm really excited. This of course means that my MIL will be coming into town to watch the kids....which I am less excited about. She is an evangelical with a capital E....and I find her less tolerable as I get older. But she loves my kids, and they'll have a blast with her.
I had a moment last night where I wanted to ask FJ to invite MD to the cabin for a night....but I thought better of it. Nurturing the one on one relationships is really important, and I really want to make sure I don't take it for granted. This means we won't see MD for over a week....but absence makes the heart grow fonder I suppose. Slow and steady wins the race :)
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