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-   -   Grieving and Coping Help (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=46893)

Relssek 05-13-2013 04:24 PM

Grieving and Coping Help

I'm a 37 year old married poly male from Philadelphia who just got out of a relationship with a 26 year old non poly female. Here's the story.
We were set up by my also poly wife and her non poly boyfriend. We began dating at the beginning of February of this year after talking about a month. She was made fully aware of my situation. I told her the ins and outs the do's and don'ts etc. etc. I made her aware, from the very beginning, that if she had any interest whatsoever of talking to other single non poly males that I would give her no problems. Zero, zilch. No questions asked I would step aside and let her pursue her new beau. Remember, she is only 26 and someday would like to get married and start a family. I told her that I was happy to give her freedom if and when the time would come.
Now, in my wife's and my situation we treat our significant others like family. We have big hearts and have a lot of love to give, sometimes too much :-(
Everything in my relationship with my girlfriend was great up until about a month ago when she kept accusing me of talking to other women and would constantly keep tabs on me through either phone calls, texts, or facebook messenger. It got to be a real stressor but, I really had feelings for this girl and refused to give up and went as far as showing her my phone so she could go through it. (I don't delete ANYTHING from my phone, I have nothing to hide and am an open book, again I told her this from the beginning.) She did seemed satisfied and laid off. I asked her to see her's and she was a little hesistant but let me see it anyway. I found nothing peculiar. Well, the abscence of hassles from her lasted about a day and then came back. The upcoming weekend was supposed to be our weekend at my place,(she lives with her parents) but when it came.....no girlfriend. She ignored all texts and phone calls. Finally, that Sunday I got ahold of her and she said that she couldn't see me anymore because I was married. Ok, says I but, why did you ignore me all weekend instead of addressing the issue before. All she could keep telling me was that I was married like she had just found this out! I explained to her yes, I am and you knew this and you never acted like it was a problem before. This is where she comes out to me that her parents are giving her a hard time about seeing a married man. I politely told her that she needs to make her own decisions and not listen to what her parents tell her and definitely not what I tell her. I told her she needs to follow her heart and do what she thinks is right. If that means me being in the picture, great. If not, great. She finally decides that she loves me and that she wants to keep seeing me so I give in and take her back. All is fine for about a week or two and then her parents decide they are going to throw her out because of her seeing me. Guess who she calls? Yup, me. so I take her in. Now this is a day before my wife and I were going on vacation for 10 days and which my girlfriend was invited on but she couldn't get off of work. So I drive the 30 minutes to take her and all of her belongings out of her parents house and bring her back to my place. The next morning I leave on vacation and tell my girlfriend she can stay there and use my car to go to and from work and that when I got back we would figure something out. So while I am away, her parents take her back in, the hassles of me seeing other women and barrages of texts, etc. begin again tenfold. Needless to say my vacation wasn't very enjoyable. So when i get home she's back at my place and she's very distant. I see her phone on the table and notice a text pop up that says "little kisses for you too,lol" So I asked her? who is that? She replied, just an old friend. Bull. Long story short I come to find out it was a friend she knew from school who she's been talking to the last month or so and she won't let me see the rest of the texts between them. Big blowup, I call her a liar because she didn't follow the simple rule of letting me know if she wanted to talk to someone else. We are now finished. Any questions? Comments? There is more info I can give if needed. Just trying to understand why some people play with our hearts the ways they do when all we want to do is love. Thanks for reading :-(

nancyfore 05-14-2013 03:46 AM

She is 26, and not used to being polyamorous. I would wager that there was something more to throwing her out than just dating a married man. I also would not have let her ruin my vacation. She doesn't seem very caring for your wife or you for that matter.

Take it as a lesson learned and go forward. Your going to find those types of people all over you just have to let them go.

El186 05-15-2013 05:34 AM

It sounds to me that she loves you and cares for you, but she is really a mono and wants to be able to accept the poly lifestyle but in the end it is more than she can handle. That is just an observation. I am 53 and have been living with my BF and his wife for 3 years now. It is a struggle. I have determinded that I am a mono and am not sure that I will ever be a poly, but I love him. And I care for his wife. So I am trying to make it work, but I struggle DAILY with my belief systems, with the criticisms from his family, with the jealousy, with feeling like I am "unprotected". I have MULTIPLE problems that I am dealing with. But in hearing what you have said, that is what it sounds like to me. She wants you. Yes, she knows you are married, but she wants you. She feels like she cannot have you, so she starts these other relationships to try to make it not hurt so much. I KNOW that is not healthy behavior and I am NOT condoning it...at all. I can just see where she is coming from. She thinks that if you can have more than one lover so can she and that if you do not want her bad enough to dedicate yourself to her alone, then you should not care that she sees other people and not telling you about it does not matter to her because she is hurt by the whole situation so she does not feel the need to play fairly.

I am SO sorry. But I think that it might be better to let her go her own way. I am not sure that she will ever be able to fit into or understand a poly lifestyle. I thought that I could. I have lived it for 3 years now...and instead of it getting easier, it just seems to get harder. I am hoping it is just a "phase" that I am going thru, but this is the first go round for ANY of us to have a poly relationship and I am clueless and it is really hard for me. We have recently sat down and talked about what we all need and think we can live with and so have "renegotiated" things a bit and I am hoping that will help. But I KNOW that in order for it to work I am going to have to do some SERIOUS counseling and change some of my most basic thoughts and beliefs. I am hoping that I can do so, because I love him more than any man ever. So, I am trying.

It sounds to me like your GF is confused and may be a little to immature yet to be able to change the thinking that she will need to change to REALLY work in a poly relationship. Just my two cents. Good luck to you. Life and love can be hard in general. I hope you find all that you are looking for...:)

LovingRadiance 05-15-2013 05:53 AM

Inexperience at running her own life.
Inexperience and making her own decisions.
Inexperience at healthy relationship dynamics and behaviors.

pollyanna 05-15-2013 12:06 PM

I think El is right. The girl is immature and not ready to settle down at any time. The insane jealousy should be a red flag as well as the sneaking and lying. Time to let this one go, honey.

Relssek 05-16-2013 03:25 AM

Thank you all for your input/advice. It does help to reassure me in those weak moments that I want to text or call her. I keep telling myself to be strong, look ahead and, don't give in! I truly am better off without her but my heart isn't quite ready to accept it.

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