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-   -   Faithful husband planning to ask lovely wife for OM (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4686)

kinkyguy007 01-06-2011 07:12 PM

Faithful husband planning to ask lovely wife for OM
Hi! I'm been married 10 yrs, my first, her second....Im 46, wife is a few years older...I have never cheated on her and usually avoid any tempting situations..(Ie, I don't even have coffee with another woman, and have only guy friends)...We are both very fit, no kids....we have a wild sex life because of me 100%...I always initiate sex and she always submits which is how I want it...I've introduced my wife to a variety of kinky and fetish play from enemas to electricity and she goes along with it all....I love her so much, but I have extra love to give....

I want a second female lover, and maybe a third....I am also open-minded about trying gay sex, as long as its first with another woman present; however, any gay sex might be limited to a blow-job (not even done that yet)....My wife always wants to please me, and I have already told her that I would like to see another man fucking her....She acted surprised at the thought (but, I could see her thinking about it), but she did cheat on her first husband so I think she really might not be too against it.

About 1 yr ago, I got into tapping or EFT (google eft)...it's a way to remove emotional blocks in your life...well, it removed ALL the blocks in my life...especially those set forth about marriage and religion...I'm now a free spirit....Honestly, if my wife wanted to bring another man into our marriage just for her personal physical pleasure and emotional propping, I'd say yes as long as I approved of him (ie, he was a nice person whom I trusted). I don't have a jealous bone in my body about it since I want only the best for her.

I don't want to cheat behind her back...Her father did that...I find the idea of cheating not my cup of tea....but, I find that I want to experience a completely FULL life now.

So, I know that I WILL eventually ask my wife to open our marriage...I would never leave her for anyone else (famous last words!), and I really feel that way because I just want open the marriage to expand my life experiences, not to end our marriage...

So, if u read all of this (which I typed in secret and fast!), then I am asking for your advice:

How should I ask my wife to open our marriage, for both of us, so we can grow as people and share our love with other like-minded persons?:)

NeonKaos 01-06-2011 07:26 PM

Are you looking for committed relationships with emotional attachment for the BOTH of you, or are you just interested in a wider variety of sexual experiences? Because in your post, you didn't talk much about anything other than opening your marriage because of different types of sex you would like to try (and the fact that you don't want to cheat which is super-grooovy).

kinkyguy007 01-06-2011 09:32 PM

I already have multiple fetish sex with my wife...but she has a very limited appetite for sex...I demand it about twice a week, but I masturbate like 1-2 times a day...I need more! Otherwise, we have a fine marriage...I just want more sex and emotional release from life...I think she'll let me grow...I know she doesn't want a divorce, I just have to have her reach a conclusion about the benefits of polyamory...I'm hopeful...Also, I know that I may not meet all her needs...If she wanted to have a new lover, well, then, I would have to approve..Also, she would get veto power over any new lover for me, as long as she doesn't just dislike them for no reason...then, it might be just a matter of her not wanting me to carnally know any other woman.

NeonKaos 01-06-2011 09:45 PM

sounds like you're interested in swinging, not polyamorous relationships.

There is nothing wrong with that, but they are not the same thing.

AutumnalTone 01-07-2011 12:09 AM

I'll second that it sounds as if you're wanting to swing or simply have an open marriage. We have some folks here who also swing and do open--those aren't the focus of this site, though. You may find discussion more to your liking on a swinging site.

As for asking her about what you want to do, I'm generally a fan of simply asking for what you want. "I'm interested in X--what do you think about it?"

kinkyguy007 01-08-2011 04:25 PM

Update from faithful husband
Update: OK, I asked my wife to consent to me falling in love with another woman, for love and for sex...and here's how it went down..

I used the 14 step plan from practicalpolyamory.com....I told her that I wanted to experience new love, that it was about me changing, and that our marriage together was always first...that I never even wanted to discuss divorce. She asked me point blank, "do u want a girlfriend?"

I told her "yes, but not like a hooker or a one-night stand, I want an ongoing emotional and sexual relationship with another woman....for me..just for me cause I want it...that it would be a gift from her to me...

Well, she teared up, and said "okay, we'll separate for 6 months, and u can have your flings." I was prepared for that! I again stressed that our marriage was my primary concern and that I would not do anything to endanger it...

She said, "I am sad that I don't fulfill your needs...we should get divorced!" I was prepared for that also. I said, "honey, this is a desire and a want...I don't need any other woman...We need air, I don't need a girl...but, I do have a desire, a new wanting, that has surfaced in my life and I wont cheat on you."

We bantered and hugged for a few minutes...then something miraculous happened...she said "YES!"...I was sort of prepared for this...REMEMBER: MUST TAKE BABY STEPS...I immediately said, "we'll talk it over later, over the next few months...."

But, I did want to iron out some of the details of selection and boundaries...these will soon go into a written agreement between us...We agreed that we would both look for a woman of my specifications...If we found one online or in the real world, then I would approach her with the explanation of her being my possible secondary (and all that entails). I will tell her that we will date, and if we decide to have sex, then my wife will have to give consent...but, that the bedroom details will be for us only to know, unless she (my new gf) allows me to tell my wife (only if my wife wishes to know). If my new potential gf is amenable to begin dating, then my wife would have coffee with her at least twice...the second coffee would entail her swapping STD labs for all parties since I want a longterm relationship and will be going bareback...we are going to choose an woman who can't get pregnant and who is not married and will agree to be monogamous with me.

My wife and I plan to talk about this over the next few months before even looking seriously for my secondary...she must approve of her in every way, and she wants to be able to call her to check up on me if she wants...My wife said she'll only SHARE me with someone she likes...that's the deal.

What I am going to do now? Be a model husband...show her that I value our marriage and that I love her more for giving me this...I know her feelings will change from time to time....we have ordered a few polyamory books to read...since my wife is very occupied with her career, she said she almost is happy to have someone make me happy, so she won't feel guilty!

My wife said she is sort of turned on by sharing me with another..she even suggested 3 women that she knows locally who would probably like the arrangement...but, I told her...Whoa!, baby steps, let's deal with our emotions EMOTIONALLY first for a few months...then we will plan our approach! No girlfriends in the community...we'll start fresh...

Anyhow, I'll keep up dated...my love for my wife grew 3x over the night since she is giving me this gift....take care.

NeonKaos 01-08-2011 05:08 PM

Sounds awesome!

Wishing you the best!

TL4everu2 01-08-2011 05:17 PM

Wow....Not just looking for a unicorn....but a PURPLE unicorn with pink nail polish and gold teeth.

Hope you're not looking for an OPP. (one penis policy)

Too much planning can be a bad thing. Try just getting out there and setting "guidlines", but not "rules". Also, I would suggest being open to compromise. Putting it all in writing is too harsh and difficult. I guarantee you will encounter a situation which is not covered by your careful planning. When you do, you will either take advantage of it, or you will ruin the mood by saying "Hold on a sec, I have to call my wife to ask if it's ok.". Guidelines will allow you to make those decisions, and then learn form them as you go. rules in writting will not.

NeonKaos 01-08-2011 06:04 PM


Originally Posted by TL4everu2 (Post 59076)
Wow....Not just looking for a unicorn....but a PURPLE unicorn with pink nail polish and gold teeth.

That is incorrect.

These folks are not "unicorn hunters" because they are not looking for a single, bisexual woman for the purpose of forming a polyfidelitous closed triad.

I believe the OP's wife is straight (correct me if I got it wrong, OP), and this is about finding a girlfriend just for HIM.

TL4everu2 01-08-2011 06:10 PM

My point was not what you seem to think it was. My point was, he is looking for the impossible.

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