Issues with Anxiety
So John started dating M, and I really life her, I have a crush on her, and she says that shes wanting to try a relationship with me "eventually". We have kissed several times and held hands and such but nothing more.
Thats not really the point of this though.
I'm having anxiety attacks when John and M do anything sexual, it doesnt matter what (they havent has sex yet) I was in the room with them and I had to take my anxiety pill and leave the room, i went and smoked like 6 cigarettes to calm down.
The very thought of them having sex with me near by, and even writing this throws me into anxiety. I dont have an issue with sex elsewhere, only when I'm near by, but sex at her place is impossible. And we dont have the money for hotels. So the only place for them is here, well or the back seat of a car.
I know one issues is I'm envious of John's time with her, bc I want her to be my girl too. I'm working through that, and taking what I can get and I'm getting to be ok with it. John and I have worked a lot on that subject.
The anxiety issue maybe linked to my abuse/rape by an ex, he would cheat on me, blame me for it, and I'd have to have sex with him to make everything ok again. I'm working through that with a counselor now, my abuse and rape I mean. It could be related and linked in my mind but I'm not sure thats what is causing the anxiety.
I do have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, so I have pills I can take to fix it temporarily, but I want to find out what is causing it and talk it out or have a way to deal with it.
John doesnt want my popping a pill every time they are alone in our room, but I dont want to break down either. I'm willing to cry and get stressed for a little while, but Im not sure I'll get over it without work.
I'm also wondering how much of this (my anxiety, my history, etc) to share with M, I dont want to make her feel bad or do ANYTHING to screw up her and John. But I do want a relationship with her, but I dont want to scare her away from either / both of us.
Have you tried yoga or reiki for your anxiety? They have helped others with that. Sounds like it's not an envy thing but mainly an anxiety thing. Anxiety disorder makes you "have" the anxiety and THEN you find something to fixate it on. Although, if the meds help, keep taking it. People on here are always talking about stigmas and judgments... I say don't give a fuck if other people don't like it if you're on drugs. Take the drug FOR YOU if it helps YOU. Don't take a drug or not take a drug just so the rest of the world doesn't judge you. Drugs are one of the greatest inventions of all time - right up there with food, water, shelter, and automobiles.
Viva la benzodiazepines and amphetamines.
Im actually starting yoga back up tomorrow. I could do it in the living room while they are alone, that might help a lot.
Why can't they schedule their time to be together when you're not there?
I'm currently a stay at home mom with no license (mine expired, havent gotten it redone yet).
John works 6pm to 6am, sleeps from 7am to 2pm.
She goes to school and works an odd schedule.
Time management is going to be enough of a hassle without having me have to leave (ie find someone to pick me up for a few hours) Especially since I know so few people here and my best friend here is undergoing cancer treatment.
My license renewal will happen at the end of the month and my new job starts next month, so this should only be a temporary thing. John may even go back to regular hours (5:30 - 5) soon.
I hadnt really thought about how temporary this should be. I should be able to handle at max 9 times with my meds. If for some reason it goes longer, I can reevaluate my options then.
I think you nailed your trigger.
She may not be your GF, but she is your metamour.
Until your time schedules change again, could propose a "for the time being" solution --
Could ask them both if they are willing to go slow.
Could ask John if he is willing to reassure you that he's not going to be making out/having sex with her and then unfairly blame you for probs in the (J+M) tier of the polymath ask you to service him to "make it ok again" like the abusive ex did.
Could ask M to be aware you are in therapy for past BF abuse/rape (don't have to TMI) and if she is willing to go easy. You want for her to enjoy being with John but if you get an anxiety attack, not to blame herself or (blame) think you hate her and just come to you direct for more info. Or if there are problems on the (J+M) tier of things not to be unfairly blaming you for them.
Lay it out there, ask for their willingness to try it on for the next (however many weeks) it is til work schedules change again and you all have to reevaluate the dating schedule again and deal with time management needs.
You may find being assertive and communicating clearly about it helps soothe the anxiety/emotional flooding/panic attack down. And DO take your meds as directed. It's part of your self care just like working with your therapist is.
Hang in there!
I will GG, thanks for the reply
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