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-   -   I would like some non-hormonal opinions on my situation please (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=46768)

Ssandra 05-12-2013 12:25 AM

I would like some non-hormonal opinions on my situation please
Hi all,

I'm new to this forum, so I hope this is the right place for this question.

In short our situation; If you just want to skip to the question, it's below in bold.

I'm together with my husband for 9 years, married for 7. All that time we have had an open relationship (sex ok, feelings not) because that was his limit. I was ok with it, I didn't feel it limited me at that moment.

We did have some separate sexual experience and some threesomes, but nothing mayor. No jealousy issues on either side.

He met a new group of friends a few years ago, younger then he is, but fun people to hang around with and party with. I know them and get along fine with them, but I wouldn't say that I am good friends with them (because of lack of contact, not because of lack of liking them).

About 3 weeks ago one of them asked my husband for a cup of coffee and told him that she was starting to fall for him. Fun thing; I predicted that that was what she would say when he told me that she asked him for coffee :)

Her intention was to just mention it, so he would understand if she would be weird around him for a while.

Since I've never had any issue with multiple relationships, I asked my husband what he felt for her. He took some days to think about it, but once he realized that I'd be ok with it, he started imagining the both of them in a different way and long story short, they've been dating for 3 weeks now, and are heavenly in love.

I adore seeing my husband in love. It is cute, lovely and extremely entertaining on my part.

Of course I have issues. I'm human after all. But all my issues have to deal with either envy (I want to feel again what he is feeling! It is fun!!), or time management (it took some time to get used to the idea that he wouldn't spend every day and night with me anymore). No jealousy here. I'd have the same time management issues if he were going away for work suddenly often.

Anyway; here is the major complication: I'm almost 7 months pregnant. Yes, the timing could have been better, but feelings happen when they happen.

The issues with being pregnant is hormones. Hormones make my emotions 10 times more noticeable and make me feel a lot more vulnerable to them. I also exaggerate things at times without realizing it. All part of the wonders of pregnancy :p

Anyway; The question:

Although this other girl knows that my husband is married, and she personally knows me, he still does try to "hide" the fact that I am in his life. Little things, like saying "I have to go to my parents place tonight for mothers day", instead of "We are going my parents today for mothers day".

Today we went to the movies, and since he hadn't discussed with her yet how she feels about him seeing a movie twice or seeing a movie first with me, he said he had to work instead of that he went to the movies with me.

It result in little things that kind of are hurtful for me, such as her answering texts saying "well, just think of me and my kisses when you are at your parents". Not on purpose, but I think if she knew I'd be there, she wouldn't text that. Or if she would, it would be very insensitive, I think...

(we have an open text situation; meaning she knows I read his texts and is ok with that and so is he. No sneaking going on)

Anyway, my issue isn't as much with her as it is with my husband. I feel like he is simply ignoring me, in his relationship with her.

Now; I understand that it is going to take time for her to get over the entire idea that he is married and that it is not cheating and that they are allowed to be happy and everything. I understand that it will take time before we can all be friends and eventually even hang out. I wish we were already there, or at least that I knew that they would eventually want to be there.

However, am I completely wrong (and hormonal) into feeling excluded and not important when my husband "hides" our relationship this way?
He says he does it because she cannot handle it yet, because it freaks her out. Which might be fair enough, but doesn't hiding it just prolong the inevitable? And make it more of an issue than it should be?

Any insights in this?

I do talk to my husband about this and he says that I want to move too soon and too quick. That I have to take into account social conditioning (they are Mexican, I'm Dutch, HUGE cultural difference). That things will happen eventually (his estimation, 6 months to a year). That I am expecting people to be ok with things which are not normal.

My opinion is that if you want to do something, better to just do it right away. To talk about it, to make it normal to talk about daily issues. To make it normal, even if it is awkward in the beginning. If you avoid it, won't it just be more awkward later on?

Especially since we are going to have a baby. I definitely don't mind them baby sitting while I go out, or my baby getting to know her as an aunt.

I just detest anything that feels like hiding, sneaking around, not being completely honest. And this feels like that. And it makes me feel that something that could be beautiful and normal and valuable between them is just wrong...

Thanks for reading. Any insights welcome!!

kdt26417 05-12-2013 01:32 AM

I guess it raises some red flags that your husband is practicing these "little white lies." However, if you have already been trying to talk to him about it and he is not receptive, I don't know what to suggest. I guess you could tell him that someone online agrees with your position, but I'm skeptical that he'd be persuaded by that.

Dishonesty always raises some red flags, although it helps if your husband has a plan to end the lying, and follows through with that plan. In the meantime, you just have to decide what you can live with, and for how long. It doesn't sound like your husband is willing to bend his position, so you will have to decide if you can tolerate that behavior.

For what it's worth, I don't think you're "just acting all hormonal." It's perfectly reasonable for you to be concerned about lying. As I said though, it's just your own actions that you have control over, as he chooses his actions.

LovingRadiance 05-12-2013 02:57 AM

I don't do lying. Manipulation of facts, failure to share pertinent data, omission of info etc are all forms of lying. Lying is not a component of healthy relationships in my world.

I also don't believe in pretending to be something or have some dynamic other than what I truly have.

I would not be ok with a dynamic where such lies were accepted, much less promoted.

*That said-in case it's brought up I will say, I don't share detailed info about my sex life between partners-it's not an omission of secrecy-we all know that I am sexually involved-but both are straight men-uninterested in the details of the other parties sex life. So if asked I will definitely acknowledge that we had sex-but they won't ask and I don't offer the details.

Ssandra 05-12-2013 04:17 AM


I have been living for at least 10 if not more years with the idea that multiple relationships is not only possible, but a good thing. For my husband it is completely new.

However, I know that my hormones tend to lead me to overreact at times, so therefor outside insight is useful for me at this moment in time.

We will talk about this more and more and eventually he will understand.

I do get it, this is a difficult situation for him, he feels like he is cheating on both of us, even when he knows he is not. He is just not dealing with that in a way that I consider very constructive long term.

Oh well. It is an interesting journey to say the least ;) eventually things will fall in place and it will become more normal.

kdt26417 05-12-2013 06:59 PM

Things do have a way of sorting themselves out over time. If you think you can stand the ick for now, you have a chance to enjoy a more stable relationship dynamic later on.

Ssandra 05-12-2013 07:49 PM


Originally Posted by kdt26417 (Post 203477)
Things do have a way of sorting themselves out over time. If you think you can stand the ick for now, you have a chance to enjoy a more stable relationship dynamic later on.

Yes, I can deal with it for now. I will have another serious conversation with my husband though, because I feel that his way of handling things is hurting both her and me and the chances of this working out long term.

I had a nice chat with her yesterday, and that confirmed my suspicion. He is so afraid of hurting either one of us, that he tries to keep things too separate. Which is impossible. I don't cease to exist when he is with her, or visa versa. Better (in my opinion) to be normal about it from the start instead of trying to "fix" this later on.

It is also difficult for him to deal with it. It still feels wrong for him. And I know him well enough and long enough to not let him get away with it (in a positive way, meaning making him talk about her with me) but I cannot do anything the other way around.

kdt26417 05-12-2013 08:00 PM

Well keep your attention centered on what you can control; you can decide your own actions, but he in turn decides his. You can always ask him to talk about it. It sounds to me like he has some issues he needs to sort out in his own mind. The main problem here is, perhaps, that he doesn't "feel right" about the whole poly situation.

pollyanna 05-12-2013 11:46 PM

it feels wrong to me, too, that he is hiding. Is there any way you can all three sit down and discuss that there is no need for secrecy?

Ssandra 05-13-2013 12:07 AM


Originally Posted by pollyanna (Post 203527)
it feels wrong to me, too, that he is hiding. Is there any way you can all three sit down and discuss that there is no need for secrecy?

I sat down with her yesterday, and she agreed with me. For some reason my husband is terrified of spending time with the both of us at the same time.

I get that it might be uncomfortable for a bit, but I personally think that the sooner we all get over that, the better.

Since she will be around my baby as well, we are all going to take a first aid course together in 3 weeks. Hopefully after that things will be more normal again.

He is spending today (and yesterday night) with her, so I haven't had a chance to talk with him yet. Depending on when he comes home, it will be either tonight or tomorrow evening.

I'm being patient though. Besides the very heavy NRE they have going on (which is SO CUTE to see!) they are both dealing with some very heavy cultural conditioning, which I don't have. So, I'm giving them the time to enjoy themselves, have their honeymoon time, and get to terms with the situation, little by little.

GalaGirl 05-13-2013 12:10 AM

I'm glad you are planning to talk together. Be a whole lot easier to ask for platinum rule from each when you do.
"Please treat me how I want to be treated. I would like you to treat me like THIS husband...(list). Thanks."
And when you talk to her do the same.
"Please treat me how I want to be treated. I would like you to treat me like THIS metamour...(list). Thanks."
Because this is all "internal ops" -- text on his phone and whatnot. I could see not wanting to deal in "we are out as a polyship" to the external world just yet because of cultural expectations and not having the confidence yet with "internal world" things.

Some people take it all on, some people take it one layer at a time.

But with "internal ops?" Who is in here? You, him, her.

This is the "calibration" time in dating -- could calibrate then! Could sort it out in trio how you want to be together, exchange the "platinum rule" things for how each person wants the others to treat them and... go ahead and treat them that way. Check in later in a month to make sure all are happy and getting what they need in the polyship or if tweaks are needed.


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