Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   He's not poly??? A year into the relationship? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=46696)

BlazenBurn 05-11-2013 03:27 AM

He's not poly??? A year into the relationship?
 
After being with Darling for awhile. Dealing with his breakup with his other GF Chatty. His wife. Moving in with him. He tells me he doesn't think he is poly. That he "fell into" it. That is was easier than being mono at the time.

Effectively we have been mono since he broke up with Chatty three months ago. His wife has chilled out and they hardly have contact anymore. Now I am starting to talk to others and he has told me that he doesn't think he is poly. He is okay with me having sex with others but the thought of me having an "intimate" relationship bothers him.

I just don't know what to do.

kdt26417 05-11-2013 03:42 AM

Basically, your options are
  • break up,
  • stay together and stand by his monogamous requirements.
While mulling over those options, I suppose there's no reason you can't attempt some heavy-duty communication with him, and attempt to get to the root to this seemingly sudden change of heart he has had.

Sorry there's not a lot of good options here. :( I imagine you are reeling and feeling trapped.

Marcus 05-11-2013 06:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kdt26417 (Post 203183)
  • break up,
  • stay together and stand by his monogamous requirements.

People change for all kinds of reasons; it's just part of being a person. Sounds like he thought he had changed his worldview to one of being poly and found that he was actually mistaken. As frustrating as that is, it happens.

While kdt listed two options for you I personally think you would be doing yourself a disservice if you chose the second option.

Magdlyn 05-11-2013 06:20 PM

Your bf had 3 partners, you, Chatty and his wife?

His wife doesnt live with him, but you do? Or she's chillin in the house somewhere but not hanging our with her husband or you much?

You moved in with him when Chatty moved out? Or she didn't live with him?

BoringGuy 05-11-2013 08:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Magdlyn (Post 203293)
Your bf had 3 partners, you, Chatty and his wife?

His wife doesnt live with him, but you do? Or she's chillin in the house somewhere but not hanging our with her husband or you much?

You moved in with him when Chatty moved out? Or she didn't live with him?

This is the one where the guy bought the house next door to his wife's house for the OP to live in with her kids after she spent her inheritance to pay off her ex so he would let her take the kids out of state. Now she has no money and this Darling is supporting her and her teenage kids, one of which needs expensive medication. Meanwhile, the wife is keeping track of every cent "darling" spends, and won't let the OP decorate or hang family photos in the new house in which the OP lives.

El186 05-12-2013 10:00 PM

I know that this is probably NOT what you want to hear, but I have been in a poly relationship for 3 years and have just NOW figured out that it probably is not for me. I too am in a predicament...trying to decide if I should stay and try to live within those constraints or call it a day and go home. It is VERY painful. I hope you can figure out what will work best for you. Good luck.

GalaGirl 05-13-2013 02:42 AM

Quote:

Now I am starting to talk to others and he has told me that he doesn't think he is poly. He is okay with me having sex with others but the thought of me having an "intimate" relationship bothers him.

I just don't know what to do.
You could reflect what you just heard him say he wants for himself back to him to clarify.

You could tell him what YOU want for yourself at this point in time. And you could both sort it out between you and propose solutions for how to deal with it.

"Thank you for telling me where you are at. This is what I think I heard:

1) You have decided you are monoamorous after all? Are you wanting YOU to be polysexual or YOU want monosexual with just me?

2) You are ok with ME being polysexual with others. You are not OK with my being polyamorous with others. Is that a hard limit or a soft limit?

3) I want this ________ at this time. Let's discuss and if not now, then set a time to discuss more deeply.

Agenda: What are suggestion for making this work between us? Here's mine. (If he didn't have to consider or deal with YOU having others before... could consider one possible approach.)

If we cannot agree or that's a hard limit for you when I want polyamorous relationships, then we could talk about how to best part ways."

What else is there?

Galagirl

nycindie 05-13-2013 10:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlazenBurn (Post 203180)
Now I am starting to talk to others and he has told me that he doesn't think he is poly. He is okay with me having sex with others but the thought of me having an "intimate" relationship bothers him.

Maybe he feels that paying a second mortgage for you to live next door means you should belong to him.

Magdlyn 05-15-2013 02:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BoringGuy (Post 203307)
This is the one where the guy bought the house next door to his wife's house for the OP to live in with her kids after she spent her inheritance to pay off her ex so he would let her take the kids out of state. Now she has no money and this Darling is supporting her and her teenage kids, one of which needs expensive medication. Meanwhile, the wife is keeping track of every cent "darling" spends, and won't let the OP decorate or hang family photos in the new house in which the OP lives.

I went and read your other thread. What a pickle. It's a shame you were lead down the garden path.


All times are GMT. The time now is 04:23 PM.