Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   Possible V and some questions. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=46648)

HimAndHerInBP 05-10-2013 04:48 PM

Possible V and some questions.
Hey there! So, we're not overly active on here but jump in from time to time. My wife and I have been involved in a few longer term triads. Nothing super long term, but decent lengths (each over six months). However, there's a possibility of a V forming, with myself being the hinge.

If we opt to continue down this road, it will be completely new to us. My wife is hesitant for, what I would assume, are the general common reasons. Losing me, or losing what we have that's special, etc (Been together nearly 16 years). What I see that we currently have that would help it work is that all three of us get along great. And always have. She hangs out with both of us frequently, will often cuddle with either/both of us when watching movies, etc. She feels my wife is beautiful, sexy, etc...just isn't bi (though she's hinted very mildly at possible interest, though I feel it'd be fairly "surface").

I've always had poly tendencies even in high school as I'd often date two or three women at a time, though each was always aware of it. Met my wife shortly after school and have been together since. There have not been any jealousy issues with triads and that's our general preference. I've never looked for another "just for me"...this one has just kind of fallen in our laps. And shouldn't even really say "fallen" because that hasn't happened. It's been lightly discussed at best. She (wife) hasn't shown any jealousy which does not surprise me, but she has expressed concern. Now, in her defense, it did come out during a pretty stressful run for her (work deadlines, pending remodel, etc with this popping up).

I guess just looking for any guidance you may have to share. Experiences. Things to look for and how to head them off early. I have no interest in losing my wife nor making her uncomfortable, but also do have interest in possibly pursuing this.

Side note (and this is important...just slipped my mind). She has heavy sub tendencies and has tossed around the idea of asking me to be her Dom. She has masochistic tendencies. I am not a sadist, but am Dom by nature and able to provide for her masochistic needs (we have explored it before together in non-sexual ways).

Anyhow, that's kind of the basics. Feel free to ask any questions you may have and I'll be happy to answer. :)

sterling119 05-10-2013 05:54 PM

We have somewhat the same situation although in our case the wife is the hinge and she has 2 "husbands". So far it works very well for us and we all get along fantastic. Her other "husband" has a job where he is only home weekends so that may make it a little bit better but we have all known eachother for many years and always gotten along well with him and I being friends before all this. He lives with us in a room with a private stairway into the kitchen so he gets his private space. We split time when he is home and then I get to be with her all week as I am home most nights. I would say if you have a strong marriage try it out but if not this may not be for you. My wife and I are not trying to replace anything but she feels she has enough love to be with both. Her sex drive so far seems to be able to keep up but as I said we do split time as he and I are not sexually involved at all and are a true v relationship. We enjoy evenings at home, working outside, shopping, going out all together. If I am gone as I sometimes am on a weekend night they date and spend time together either in our bed or his but she says she prefers to be in her own bed for the night. This weekend may be a little different sleeping arrangements as she is going to make up lost time last weekend so as not to have hurt feelings anywhere but I am sure it will work out. So far we have no issues but as I said a strong marriage is the key. Also good communication between the 2 of you will go a long way as to what you both want out of this and what you all expect. She will need to be at least civil to the secondary and it would be better if you all were friends as well as lovers to her. These are my thoughts anyway so keep us posted on your progress and we will look for more.

HimAndHerInBP 05-10-2013 06:32 PM

Thanks for the input. As for a strong marriage, I would feel very comfortable saying that about what we have.

The enough love for others is something I've always felt, though I'm not a fan of terms such as "primary" or "secondary", opting to use more conventional terms such as wife and girlfriend in this scenario. I've never been able to wrap my head around the idea of there only being one for each person. Those are some incredibly crappy odds of finding that "one" in a world of nearly seven billion people. Ha ha! When I was younger (34 currently, met at 18), it had never really crossed my mind. The norm for the world around me was just kind of falling in to place. :) Wife grew up in a sexually repressed home and eventually, things just kind of came to the surface, which is what sent us down this path. Literally spoke about it for about two years before even doing anything.

The sexual compatibility could prove to be an interesting venture. My one concern there is my wife. We are pretty much a 10/10 in every aspect of our relationship as far as how we match up (direct match or complimentary...to a freaky level). But, the sex is usually "only" about an 8/10 and she focuses on that too much IMO. I love sex with her and all of the intimacy that comes with it. LOVE IT! We just aren't quite on the same wave length. But seriously...what better thing to "have" to work on? lol Sexually with the newcomer, it appears like it could be a dead ringer for me. And I fear this may upset my wife, though she has no need to be. A big chunk of the chemistry I feel comes from the D/s interest which there isn't a true interest in between my wife and I. She's not a sub which pulls me away from the true Dom aspects. I have a very Dominant nature in general. The thing is, my kink (if you will) is basically being a part of someone else's kink. So I can REALLY pour myself in to something like this if my partner is a true sub. But only if the recipient is seriously in to it.

Other than that, communication is extremely open between us. All three of us so far, actually. The direct conversation for this path has yet to come up since it's just not a good time yet. But I feel it may eventually and has been lightly discussed, almost in passing. And I'm just hoping to be as prepared as possible.

Oh...one other aspect that I think plays a very interesting role in this. As stated, she's going through a separation that I feel will end in divorce (hence, needing to stay back for now). But I'm not sure if this helps or hinders the situation and how it may affect her decision. To me, something of this nature is not be entered in to lightly. The issue is, every important relationship/marriage to her has failed. Parents, her marriage, both grandparents, all siblings but one, etc, etc, etc. And if they haven't failed, they're not exactly what one would call a success. Here's the catch. She has three couples she knows very closely, all three of which she feels are the greatest relationships she's ever seen. Her friend Mick...open marriage. Her brother...open relationship. And our marriage.

leelee22 05-11-2013 05:15 PM

I'm too knew to poly to really comment on many things here (for example, until I went back and looked at the definitions thread, I was not so sure of the difference between a triad and a v). But what I CAN comment on is divorce. In my opinion, the fact that she's going through a separation is a bit of a negative. Divorce is very draining even when it goes well... and I'm a strong believer in not jumping from a bad marriage straight into another serious relationship. Some "recalibration" of one's sense of self needs to happen after a divorce. I'm not convinced that it's a good idea to try to process a divorce and build a brand new relationship at the same time.

But you can't really pick your timing... you get what you get. Good luck to you.

nycindie 05-13-2013 10:03 AM

I would think a vee is infinitely much easier to manage than a triad, so I am surprised your wife has concerns about it. I think it would do you well to keep discussing her concerns. What, exactly, is she worried about?

I also agree that divorce is a very tough thing to go through and it does require time for a person to heal even if it's what they want. Your potential lover may want time with you as a way to comfort herself, but it could backfire if she is in a very vulnerable state, so I recommend proceeding slowly and to make sure you give her space to process what she's going through. They say it actually takes two solid years for someone to recover from a divorce (this is something I read in a book called 'Crazy Time: Surviving Divorce and Building a New Life').

HimAndHerInBP 05-13-2013 12:53 PM

@LeeLee: To reiterate/clarify, we have zero intentions of moving forward until she knows what's going on in her current situation. And even then will have to move slowly. Just would end up making things more of a mess. :)

@NyC: She's said that much of it is the usual (and these are her words) "I don't want to lose you, don't want to be less "special", etc". When she thinks about it, she feels those feelings are foolish and the reaction was more gut at first (and she was also dealing with a great deal of other stresses at that time). We continue to discuss it between each other and also have included the potential other in the conversations. They continue to be rather high level to keep things simple at this time and we are all still continuing to hang out as friends as we always have. So, to me, this is promising if things were to ever evolve.

All times are GMT. The time now is 01:28 AM.