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-   -   Long info dump vent... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=466)

vandalin 07-05-2009 11:39 PM

Long info dump vent...
 
As I posted in my intro, I am a married mother of one with a wonderful hubby and we have a great relationship. Recently, an old friend came back into my life and this has made us consider a huge change in our lives, polyamory.

This may sound a bit like a dumping but I hope this post helps me figure some things out and maybe get some good advice or encouragement which seems to be profound in this forum.

So a little over two months ago, an old friend, one I had never been that close to but always had a warm feeling for, let me know that he has had a "crush" on me for almost as long as he'd known me, starting from grade school in fact. After this revelation we started talking on a nightly basis, about our lives and things but also about more personal things including what if scenarios of "if we were both single" or "if I showed up at your door right now". These turned into very intense sexual conversations but I had known before these happened that I really did care about this man, I just wasn't sure as to the extent. Through this whole time I am telling my hubby that I was having these conversations, downplaying the details of course and was surprised at first that he didn't have a problem with it in fact he encouraged it as it seemed to help our almost non-existent sex life (main reason we are going to couples counseling). One night, I half-jokingly suggested starting a "harem". And then I remembered some of the books I'd read being a sci-fi/fantasy nut (Friday bring the main recall) and realized that maybe this was a viable possibility. When I mentioned it to my hubby, he thought about it and then said, lets see what happens, figure out how it would work. When I mentioned it to, as I had thought of him, my online bf, he wasn't sure if I was serious but after telling him I was, he was also very interested in findng out more.

The next month was spent chatting and researching, and for me on a roller coaster ride controlled by the online bf. Slowly he started to pull away from the idea but not from me. Basically as soon as a real relationship became a possibility, he started doubting and I think pushed himself more into a relationship he had just started in RL. I'm not saying he forced his new relationship to go faster or be more serious, but all of a sudden he's "in a relationship with ***" and I hadn't noticed it until I go out on a limb and tell him how I was really feeling, that I had basically fallen in love with him and that I really hoped he would give us (him and me) a chance at the least.

He had twice said that he wasn't sure he could be poly, even though he would have been a mono in a poly, I understood his meaning to be that he wasn't sure he would be able to share me. Unfortunately we never really discussed it. He would tell me how he felt and then I would just let him continue on talking, without asking or discovering or telling him my side or opinions. Then we finally had the chance to meet face to face for the first time in over 10 years. (We live in separate states but I have friends and family where he lives.) We got together at my hotel room one night and again he told me that he just didn't think he could live poly and be true to himself. Now, I honestly have no problem with that statement, but when followed by an intense snogging session, you have to agree that I'd be a bit confused.

We both are romantically and physically attracted to each other, and we have both professed being in love with each other, yet he has chosen to hold back. I know that the sudden outpouring of emotions on both of our sides may have led to saying things that were not thought out properly on his part, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. In a way, he opened me up to the wonderful possibilities of this lifestyle just to say, "sorry, can't do it now."

At present we are working on just being friends which is what we have always wanted at the very least. We have a special connection that has kept bringing us back into each others lives even at 400 miles away so I know that our friendship will become even stronger as time goes on and I do wish him luck in his current relationship. Part of me wants to be angry with him for "leading me on" but looking back, he didn't really do that, not on purpose at least. We had made no promises to try to make it work, only to see if and how it could work, but I fear that my own heart had put too much hope into this working and not enough preparation for failure. We finally had a discussion a couple days ago and got most things straightened out including some agreements/boundaries such as "if you say 'I love you' it has to include 'my friend'" and "no open ending statements like 'I just can't be in that kind of relationship right now'"

So now I have a broken heart as in essence he dumped me, yet I have a wonderful husband who is willing to hold me and comfort me through this pain, and I love my husband even more for that.

Except for this one time, I had never really thought of trying a poly relationship, and I'm not sure if I want to actively pursue one. I never liked the dating scene but love NRE (which may be to blame for the original fiasco). I don't want many lovers, only a small group, three, four at the most although that may even change in the future. But maybe it's because I am hurting right now that I don't want to try to find anyone else at present. All I wanted was to share my life with my husband and my online bf.

Well, thank you for letting me vent a little(lot). Putting it together like this has helped a little I think, although I think I'm going to need another dose of my anxiety meds soon. :P I know that there really wasn't any questions in there but any input is always appreciated. Thanks again. ~Van

Quath 07-06-2009 04:07 AM

I am sorry your friend did not think he could accept polyamory. It does seem to have let you understand more about yourself.

I think many people are more comfortable with monogamy with a side of adultery than with straight out polyamory. Probably it is because one is common and familiar as seen in many movies, TV shows and books. However, polyamory is still new enough that it has to be explained. Heinlein is a rare exception to this. :)

NeonKaos 07-07-2009 04:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Quath (Post 2583)
I am sorry your friend did not think he could accept polyamory. It does seem to have let you understand more about yourself.

I identify with most of what the OP said (except for her marriage - the part about couples counseling doesn't apply to my situation), especially as in the above quote from Quath.

My "other" guy seemed to believe that something was fundamentally wrong with my relationship with my husband that I should even CONSIDER any sort of "poly" arrangement, but it has actually made our marriage stronger.

vandalin 07-09-2009 07:52 AM

Thanks for the input

So far, our opening up to the possibility of a poly relationship has also had positive impact of our own relationship. We have always had great communication skills, but I think we are both feeling even more open with each other recently.

In fact my husband had a break-through this week with one of the issues/questions he was having. "If she is giving love to someone else, am I getting any less?" Being logically minded he did the "calculus" and discovered that love is not a zero-sum game. Love is infinite. And this epiphany has opened him up to the idea of poly even more because he wants me to be happy and sees that he really isn't losing anything in the process.

And on another note, my friend? He and his girlfriend broke up. I'm proud to say that I'm not doing a happy dance (score one for compersion), but again, there is that little kernel of hope that maybe, just maybe, he might lean my way again...in time, of course. ;)

Quath 07-09-2009 01:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vandalin (Post 2645)
Being logically minded he did the "calculus" and discovered that love is not a zero-sum game. Love is infinite.

That is the way that I tend to process my feelings. I work to line them up with some kind of logical thinking. I work through a lot of hypotheticals until I identify what is really bugging me.

One big learning experience was finding out that everyone deals with emotions differently. (Not wrong, but different.)

Quote:

And on another note, my friend? He and his girlfriend broke up. I'm proud to say that I'm not doing a happy dance (score one for compersion), but again, there is that little kernel of hope that maybe, just maybe, he might lean my way again...in time, of course.
Heh. I wish you luck. :)

MonoVCPHG 07-09-2009 02:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vandalin (Post 2575)
We finally had a discussion a couple days ago and got most things straightened out including some agreements/boundaries such as "if you say 'I love you' it has to include 'my friend'" and "no open ending statements like 'I just can't be in that kind of relationship right now'"

This is a great and healthy idea! Vagueness in communication can sometimes be as detrimental as not communicating at all. I personally think clarity is paramount, especially in polyamorous friendships/relationships. :D

Take care

Mark1npt 07-09-2009 08:27 PM

Quath and Mono speak the truth! Learn (more and deeper about yourself) and practice the love and communication needed to make this work. Of course, we have to have partners/lovers willing to go this extra mile with us...

vandalin 07-09-2009 09:56 PM

this would be an extra 400 miles :(

But we shall see, only the future know what it holds.

vandalin 07-11-2009 05:43 AM

I think, if the mods and fellow members don't mind, I'm going to start using my thread here to help me focus my thoughts and get things out that at this point I am only sharing with my hubby. We are not "out" yet as there isn't anything to be "out" about... yet. So I will post short updates occasionally, similar to Mono's Sharing Success & Happiness thread.

Wow! So I talked to my hubby "Cajun" tonight and told him of my fears and desires now that my love interest "Elric" is single again. Cajun told me to ask Elric out. I said it was too soon, they just broke up Wednesday! Plus, he's still not sure how you really feel about all of this. Cajun then tells me to ask him out and tell Eric that he told me to. So I did...and he said yes! Can I feel any more like a giddy high school girl? Elric even said that Cajun was right, he felt more comfortable accepting because my hubby told me to ask. He thought it was kinda strange, my husband essentially playing matchmaker, and I was honest and told him that Cajun just wants me to be happy and he sees how I am when we have our good conversations (the non drama convos).

So now we have to figure out the logistics of said First Date. We are 400 miles apart after all. But in the meantime, I'm going to bask in this moment of happiness and success. :D And hope it doesn't come crashing down around me. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst!

Quath 07-11-2009 06:15 AM

Enjoy the NRE!


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