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-   -   The situation I'm in (love, sex and long term relationship issues..) (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4658)

manitscoldhere 01-05-2011 07:03 PM

The situation I'm in (love, sex and long term relationship issues..)
 
Hey everyone, I posted this over in intros, but didn't get much response.. so here's my story and issue...

I'm 26, Male, and the best way I can describe myself is "passionate". I enjoy going to dance, listening to music (music that you can dance to), I like driving cars fast, jumping out of airplanes, running, basically things like that. I get bored fairly easily though

Which leads me to where I am right now.

I've been in a committed relationship for 2 years, and I love the girl I am with. She's a great girlfriend, and I have no real issues with our relationship (other than sex - which I'll get to in a second). We have a dog and an apartment together, and overall things are nice. We go to parties, take the dog to the park, cook, etc. It's a stable and loving relationship. The sad thing is, I'm not really getting what I need out of it, and I feel there's a few reasons for this. But in essence it comes down to sex and passion. I'm not interested in just "getting off" but actually enjoying my time and really getting into the whole, for lack of a better word, production of having sex. I enjoy music, candles, and the feeling of both partners wanting to rip the others clothes off.

However...

My girlfriend is not this person, and never really has been. However, when we first started dating I didn't notice it as much, she was much more into sex, but it didn't take very long to realize she wasn't a leader and didn't really care that much. But sex was good overall and so I didn't think much of it. However, two years later it's basically gone stale and I don't really enjoy it very much. I feel like we have sex just to get off, and if that's all it is, then I'd rather just do my own thing. She doesn't seem to have any desire to be with me other than maybe once or so a month, and there's just not much feeling behind it. With that said, I am not blaming her - but we are two different people and those differences are starting to really show. It's glaring enough that I would consider leaving her if we didn't resolve it, I'm too young to give up on this part of my life.

Anyways, I also thing that my work going slow isn't helping (the past month I've sat at home doing nothing with work being virtually dead) and so that puts added stress on our relationship. However, I really started to notice our differences sexually between 6 months and a year into our relationship - basically when that "Giddy in love" feeling was gone, and people's true nature comes out.

Which leads me to being interested in still being with her - which is what I want - but also getting what I need and desire somewhere else. I want to stay committed to my girlfriend, but I've come to the realization that we may never see eye to eye on sex, and that is fine if I can still enjoy the part of life I want to enjoy.

I guess I'm looking for help here, what to look for, people's experiences, etc. I've started reading Opening Up which is a good read. But I also wanted to have open discussion with people.

Again, thanks and hello!

Derbylicious 01-05-2011 07:32 PM

What does your girlfriend think about you having outside partners?

manitscoldhere 01-05-2011 08:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Derbylicious (Post 58375)
What does your girlfriend think about you having outside partners?

Well, she's not thrilled to be frank. She has not outright said no, but I think it would take a lot of discussion and understanding for her to be okay with it.

Derbylicious 01-05-2011 08:34 PM

I think your best bet at this point is to keep talking to her and taking baby steps. Find out what her comfort level is and stay at that point for a while. Move slowly. There isn't any rush. It took my husband and I about 5 years to get from the initial discussions of opening up our marriage to me having an outside relationship, and then another 2 years until he had an outside relationship. These things don't happen quickly, but it can be really fulfilling if you take your time, build trust and don't rush.

manitscoldhere 01-05-2011 08:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Derbylicious (Post 58381)
I think your best bet at this point is to keep talking to her and taking baby steps. Find out what her comfort level is and stay at that point for a while. Move slowly. There isn't any rush. It took my husband and I about 5 years to get from the initial discussions of opening up our marriage to me having an outside relationship, and then another 2 years until he had an outside relationship. These things don't happen quickly, but it can be really fulfilling if you take your time, build trust and don't rush.

That makes total sense. I'm sure if the situation was turned around it would take me a long time to warm up to the idea. It's all about trust.

Derbylicious 01-05-2011 08:54 PM

And about her figuring out what's in it for her. She's likely to have a happier you around at the very least. Plus she has the opportunity to explore relationships with others as well.

manitscoldhere 01-05-2011 10:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Derbylicious (Post 58385)
And about her figuring out what's in it for her. She's likely to have a happier you around at the very least. Plus she has the opportunity to explore relationships with others as well.

Again you're totally right. If it feels one sided then we will have issues. I already have a few ideas based on what she likes, but who knows. She's never complained about our relationship, sex, or anything really. Again.. baby steps and discussion

redpepper 01-06-2011 06:11 AM

I agree with Derby on taking it slow, but I can't help thinking that perhaps you are not poly, you just need another girlfriend that is more compatible.

I had a wife once that I loved dearly but, after 5 years, we just had different ideas about what our path was together and for ourselves. Perhaps deciding what goals you have would help you decide where you are going in your life together. If there is more than the poly talk that she is not too thrilled with then perhaps its time to think about moving on. On the other hand, if you find that in talking to her there is tons you still both want to do together and achieve then I think it will just take time and a whole lot of exploring together what this poly thing is about... be very clear though that poly is not just about sex. It is about relationships like the one you already have... not only will you be gaining another sexual partner, but another girlfriend... are you ready for that? Is she ready of that? Otherwise having an open relationship might work better. Or doing some swinging.

manitscoldhere 01-06-2011 04:38 PM

Hello redpepper

You make a good point and that may be the solution - someone more compatible.

The challange is that other than that area we are very good with each other, and very compatible. We almost never fight, we (mostly) enjoy similar things, we love each other's families (we both have become fairly integrated into each other's families) and we same goes for friends. It would be tragic to tear apart what we have going over just sex and passion.

With that said, I'm not looking to just get laid either, I want an actual relationship with a girl outside of my "primary" relationship so to speak. It won't be a long term committed relationship, but it would be committed on some level.

I don't know, we're going to a counselor soon to at least help put the issues on the table before really trying any type of open relationship. I'm just trying to gain understanding from other people's viewpoints of the situation and how it would/wouldn't work in an open relationship.

Seasnail 01-06-2011 10:38 PM

Manitscoldhere,
This may be way off topic, and shouldn't prevent you from looking into polyamory, but sometimes lack of libido is a symptom of a medical issue. It would be a shame to overlook that, if your girlfriend needed some help.


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