So, hi everyone, my name is Jess. I'm a 26 year old woman who is married to another woman (we'll refer to her as C).. we recently got married (in November!) and then shortly after we married we fell in love with another couple. The other couple consists of a woman (we'll call her H) who recently discovered that she was gay after being married to her husband for 10 years and having four children. So us, a lesbian couple and a "bi/hetero" couple with four kids.
We met .. and clicked.. and it very quickly became romantic. We originally thought it would just be a sexual relationship between myself, my wife, and H, but we embraced our relationship with the husband (we'll call him T). We love their family, the children are amazing and love having my wife and I around. We do dinners, and game nights, and small holidays together. We all sort of fill in what our original partners can not. I am emotional and silly, my wife balances me by being the responsible one who rarely gets emotional. H is the emotional silly one out of her marriage, and T is the responsible less emotional one. We are balanced by our original partners, yet we have found similar souls with H and T.
I really wish I could explain how we fell into this.. it just sort of happened. One day we all sort of looked at each other and couldn't imagine our lives apart.
We love each other so much... but that isn't to say there are issues.
H and I are extremely close and passionate (as we're practically the same person and offer each other a very emotional relationship). Our partners are busy with work and supporting us (separately, we don't share a house or an income). H just had their fourth child.. so we met during her pregnancy and now have an beautiful infant among us. And things have been stressful, which makes sense.. a pregnancy.. a baby.. nerves.. everyone finding their place.
I feel like T feels left out because his wife has recently discovered that she is more attracted to women than she is men.. I think C feels left out because I have found my emotional counterpart and H and I are so close...
I am feeling the strain of being in love with someone who is being pulled in multiple directions. H is the mother of four, a wife, a girlfriend to myself and C, and she works.
Our relationship is unbalanced because they have children, we've fit ourselves into their lives because we have less holding us down. Our lives now revolve around their family .. and less around our younger friends without kids.
I love our family, I love this life... but I crave for there to be a balance.. and quite frankly, to have what I want without having, to worry about being dictated by H's children and husband.
Realistically, the longevity of this scenario is .. slim. But we want to do what it takes to make it work. To have two families that meld. But I have to admit, it's hard not to be selfish. I often wish I could steal H away and have time alone without having to worry about making her husband jealous.. (which he isn't really.. but with the baby here he's been pushed to the side). Or without making my wife jealous.. (she isn't really either.. but with her work schedule i am often left to spend lots of time with H)
I feel sort of alone out here. I know people have poly relationships.. but blended poly families?! Crazy.. anyone else in a poly family?
Welcome Bigpolyfamily, wow, that sounds like a very complex situation but I hope that it all works out. I think it is possible if you all enjoy each other for what you have to give and stop thinking of each other in a competitive light. At present there must be a lot of NRE going on, but don't let that make you neglect your other partners. Also, right now some of your language (please don't be offended) is very much in the realm of NRE drunkeness, it is like crack maaaaaaan, it makes you believe stuff that is probably not true.
Please try to relax and enjoy the relationship for what it is, keep up the communication between your partners and metamours and try to wait until the NRE is over before making any big life changes.
I agree.. definitely new and exciting.. but not so much at the same time. We've been doing this since november and have settled into a life together-ish.
The communication is the biggest thing, especially with their being kids involved. Our life is dictated by the kids and its hard to be assertive about our needs without feeling selfish.
You are absolutely right about not neglecting our partners.. I will say its difficult. H and I have similar schedules.. T and C are all over the place.. H and I are best friends and it's hard to keep us separated and focused solely on our partners because of the NRE. Besides.. I think we feel super comfortable and used to our partners.. that we often take them for granted.
Any tips on communicating?
Schedule it and ask everyone to come to the table with issues they feel need to be discussed, listen, don't just hear, allow people to say all they want to say and not but in. Don't accuse and don't respond to accusations by being defensive. Use non aggressive language.
Most of all I would say please try to imagine how your other partner and your metamour feels in the midst of all this NRE and all this NRE language, it might seem a long time ago now but I am sure you both had such passionate and loving feelings at the beginning of your other relationships too.
One day H will be the kind of partner you can take for granted as well....that is, if you are lucky and get past this point of temporary insanity (I wish someone explained NRE well enough for me to realise I would act like a crazy person and nearly ruin my life by making some truly bad decisions and stop me).
Just keep talking and not about the future but about the here and now and how you want everyone in the configuration to benefit from this relationship rather than feeling they have lost out.
Welcome to our forum.
Natja's advice is good; follow it and you will be off to a good start. Also you can benefit from reading various other threads on this site, and posting if you have any thoughts or questions. The Life stories and blogs board might be a good place to start, you can learn first hand from other people's experiences (as well as start your own blog if you want).
Poly relationships are often rocky in the beginning. If you can get through the first couple of years, you'll find that it gradually gets easier.
I wish you the best of luck and love in this new venture.
So this is our situation.. We are 2 couples that live under one roof with all five of our kids. We have 3 the other couple has 2. We are in a relationship with them. it has its issues but it is SO amazing. We are all so happy and we moved in here as a temporary thing but now they dont want us to find our own place but a bigger house for all of us next year. I have been on here for months looking for someone in the same sort of situation just for advice and such. Havent found anything until now. Please feel free to private message if youd like to chat or ask for advice.. Im not a pro at this or anything but having someone to talk to would be nice
tips for busy lives
I would just offer that it is ok to write things down and have 'on purpose' family meetings. Email or hand writing the letter, can be a huge help when dealing with emotional issues. Marker boards to help remember points as they come up. in my life there is no privacy, we all know everyone's passwords and everything... busy households and children are a great challenge.
From here it seems to me you're caught up in NRE (new relationship energy) with H, love, lust, hormones. Yes, it's been 7 months. NRE generally lasts 6-18 months, so could still be in play.
You say you wish she wasn't dictated to by her kids, husband and the demands of her job. It's OK to wish things, but when one is poly, respect for the demands of life that someone has with her primary is very important. If you wish you had a less attached gf (maybe single, maybe with another partner, but not married, no kids, for example), you could go get one!
I feel badly for her husband... is he getting any sex at all? Is she a "lesbian," or bi enough to meet his sexual needs? Will there be some searching on his part for a bi or straight partner now? Or is he mono and harboring resentment?
How does this dynamic work? Who sees/shags/dates whom and when? With a triad plus several dyads going on here, plus 4 kids including a newborn, this seems incredibly complicated, and calender work highly important.
T - the husband doesn't have an entirely super active sex drive. He understands that his wife is basically a lesbian, she is open enough to engage in sex with him but it is rare.. I too feel bad for him in this situation because I believe he should be wanted and appreciated.. My wife C and I are open to having sex with him, and we have, and have let him know that we are always open to it.. however he rarely initiates. He's been dealing with work stress that keeps him from being in the mood.
I believe if he needed to have his needs met, he would have them met by us.. however he hasn't really taken us up on the offer lately.. (like i said, work stress, winter blues, new baby = 2 months of this guy not wanting sex)
I'm H's primary sex partner, she also sleeps with my wife.. but it's rare because of C's work schedule.. (once every week to week and a half)
I sleep with both H and C primarily .. T I've kind of accepted that he isn't into sex right now.
There isn't really time to "DATE" - we spend a lot of time as a family.. family meals and game nights, drinks and cuddles after the kids go to bed. That part is hard.. being childless at the moment C and I would love to do more adult things like nice dinners and drinks out every once in a while.. but that's hard.
I'm trying to be more open about my needs. I'm trying to institute a monthly date night for the four of us. It's easy to pair off for dates so that someone is always home with the kids, but I think it's important for us to connect as adults in a space that isn't their beautiful home. I'm also trying to find a way to set up a date schedule.. even if its just an hour alone for a drink or a walk. We spend a lot of time at home.. due to the new baby
as for a calendar.. we have a shared family google calendar where we each put our work schedule/ social schedule so that we know when we are free to be together. This has worked out well, ending lots of confusion and lending a hand to scheduling in advance. I've heard of other couples with really intense schedules for alone time, family time, couple time.. that all seems so complicated.. I wouldn't even know where to start.
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