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-   -   Reaping what I've sown (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=46556)

Librarian 05-09-2013 11:04 AM

Reaping what I've sown
 
You ever think you have a craving for something? Go to a restaurant, order it off a menu, and find that it isn't what you wanted at all? Furthermore, it doesn't even really look like it does on the menu. That's about how I feel right now.

My demands or requests to have open communication with the man my wife is now seeing have been flat out denied by him. While I wanted this to be open and honest, she says that he finds the prospect just far to weird and uncomfortable. My wife explained to him that for me, this could be a deal breaker. He called that bluff. When my wife got home from a seeing him (they had made out), she was sad to think that this was the end of it all.

I couldn't stand to see her so sad, but I couldn't be dishonest with my feelings. I explained to her that if things stayed at just kissing and a few dates here and there, I could handle it. After all, she is completely right in that I had helped plant this seed in her head for months.

So, I'm now terribly frustrated with things. I'm not happy at all. My wife is very, very worried that she is hurting me. I refuse to say that she has, because she hasn't, really. I said things. I did things. I helped bring this whole thing about. Actions are pointless if they don't have consequences, so I've resigned to take responsibility for my part.

Still, where I was supposed to be also getting some joy or satisfaction out of her relationship with him is totally gone. I just need to settle into the idea that she is poly and I am not.

As it stands, I've explained to her that because of his inability to compromise and give me even a shred of what I want, I really have lost respect for him. I get that the situation is just as new and awkward for him, but c'mon! Whereas I was fine a few days ago to listen to her talk about him, I now feel like he has almost broken me down to the point where I don't even want to acknowledge him, just like he is choosing not to acknowledge me. It just doesn't seem right, but what can I do at this point?

I still insist that I want her to be happy. Asking her to end things would only breed contempt for me. I guess I just need to let things go on this path. Hope things get better. Hope I feel better. You reap what you sow.

My last thread got a bit derailed. That's ok. I feel that these new developments warrant a new thread anyway. I appreciate any advice or feedback you all might have. My wife and I talk and talk and talk, but I need to get it out and see some other perspectives.

Dagferi 05-09-2013 11:56 AM

So to appease you you are requesting that your wife's boyfriend talk to you?

Have you ever thought that he is very uncomfortable with that? I know my boyfriend has no urge to be buddy buddy with my husband. They are both respectful of each other but other than that why would they need to have open communication.

ManofDiscovery 05-09-2013 12:42 PM

I don't think there's anything wrong in asking for what you need.

My question would be, why do you feel you need communication with him? Is it to help you feel more comfortable about the whole situation, or is it something else?

Magdlyn 05-09-2013 01:05 PM

Hey, if you've got boundaries, you've got boundaries.

I would also be uncomfortable with not getting to meet one of my partner's OSOs. For me, jealousy is reduced to nothing once I am in the same space with their partner, even if it's only a time or two. Every time I've made the effort to meet a metamour, any jealousy immediately dissolves, and compersion results.

I don't know why your wife would feel contempt for you for wanting to at least briefly meet her new bf. I can understand why he'd be scared, god knows we read that here a lot, where a new partner is too scared to meet the primary. But, beware. It doesn't speak well for her bf.

Meeting a new partner is a boundary many of us have. I'd feel sick if one of my partners had another partner who refused to meet me, just for an hour or two!

ManofDiscovery 05-09-2013 02:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Magdlyn (Post 202864)
Hey, if you've got boundaries, you've got boundaries.

I would also be uncomfortable with not getting to meet one of my partner's OSOs. For me, jealousy is reduced to nothing once I am in the same space with their partner, even if it's only a time or two. Every time I've made the effort to meet a metamour, any jealousy immediately dissolves, and compersion results.

I don't know why your wife would feel contempt for you for wanting to at least briefly meet her new bf. I can understand why he'd be scared, god knows we read that here a lot, where a new partner is too scared to meet the primary. But, beware. It doesn't speak well for her bf.

Meeting a new partner is a boundary many of us have. I'd feel sick if one of my partners had another partner who refused to meet me, just for an hour or two!

You speak a shitload of sense here...I like it.

Librarian 05-09-2013 03:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Magdlyn (Post 202864)
Hey, if you've got boundaries, you've got boundaries.

I would also be uncomfortable with not getting to meet one of my partner's OSOs. For me, jealousy is reduced to nothing once I am in the same space with their partner, even if it's only a time or two. Every time I've made the effort to meet a metamour, any jealousy immediately dissolves, and compersion results.

I don't know why your wife would feel contempt for you for wanting to at least briefly meet her new bf. I can understand why he'd be scared, god knows we read that here a lot, where a new partner is too scared to meet the primary. But, beware. It doesn't speak well for her bf.

Meeting a new partner is a boundary many of us have. I'd feel sick if one of my partners had another partner who refused to meet me, just for an hour or two!

This is EXACTLY how I feel. I just want to be comfortable with him. The unknown drives me nuts. I think the unknown is what breeds so much fear and doubt.

As for the contempt thing, I didn't mean that she would feel contempt for me wanting to meet him. I meant that if I asked her to call off the relationship because I am not able to cope with it, while I think she would do it, she would always be contemptuous of me for it.

Dagferi, I am very aware of how uncomfortable that might be for him. On the flip side, does he not realize how uncomfortable I might be about my wife going off with someone who is a total stranger to me?

Librarian 05-09-2013 03:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ManofDiscovery (Post 202861)
I don't think there's anything wrong in asking for what you need.

My question would be, why do you feel you need communication with him? Is it to help you feel more comfortable about the whole situation, or is it something else?

It's a comfort thing. Hands down.

ManofDiscovery 05-09-2013 04:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Librarian (Post 202888)
It's a comfort thing. Hands down.

I don't think it's unreasonable...have you explained that you're not trying to interfere, you just want to meet him in order to feel more comfortable about the situation?

He's probably worried that you might be aggressive, or difficult with him etc. If he knows that this isn't your aim, that you just want to feel more comfortable about the situation, he in turn might feel more comfortable about meeting you.

Just as you're afraid of the unknown (who this guy is), so is he (who you are).

Dirtclustit 05-09-2013 08:02 PM

Hopefully your wife will understand
 
that if some potential new boyfriend isn't willing to meet you, he isn't worth wasting any effort on. I can sympathize how hard it can be to find the right person, and how your wife might be inclined to carry on with the relationship even without him meeting you because she probably hasn't found many men she considers date worthy who are willing to see a married woman.

But meeting the Significant Other, in person, really does go a long way in preventing many, many problems. It really is a good policy to have. Especially since it seems that you and your wife have no problems about genuinely caring about each other's happiness. I don't want start a debate about strict definitions of open and poly relationships because it doesn't really matter what you label the style or flavor that works for you and your wife. Regardless of what you call it, there are many successful "open" relationships that would not be successful if they could not meet the other lovers, partners, "friends" or whatever you want to call them

I personally believe that having no contact with your wife's boyfriend will end up putting too much unnecessary pressure and stress on her as she will end up being the one who gets left holding the bag for any misunderstandings.

Talk with your wife, it sounds like she will understand why he might not be the best man to get involved with, but you have to be able to understand how she will be disappointed. It's true that the best chances of having successful other relationships greatly depends on concern for each other's happiness, however, being over sensitive can be deleterious. It doesn't do any good to feel like you are the roadblock to your wife's happiness when another person doesn't fit your marriage's poly framework.

Some people's style is to give total free reign and just deal with it, which is admirable, but I know for me that is not the best way to go about it. Just because this person may not be right for you doesn't mean he doesn't exist.

Marcus 05-10-2013 03:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ManofDiscovery (Post 202861)
I don't think there's anything wrong in asking for what you need.

I agree.

There is also absolutely nothing wrong with getting the answer "no". He's a grown man, he gets to decide what he does with his time/emotions/body. You want to meet him, I totally get that. He doesn't want to meet you, I totally get that.

What are your options here?
1. You can claim your VETO POWER and demand your wife stop seeing him (you're right, she will probably resent you)
2. You can trust that your wife will take care of herself, and hope that maybe you'll meet her next boyfriend (if he decides he wants to)


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