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-   -   New, frustrated and a bit overwhelmed. Advice/perspective? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=46513)

NoelVeva 05-08-2013 08:46 PM

New, frustrated and a bit overwhelmed. Advice/perspective?
EDITED FOR CLARITY. Long night, no sleep. Sorry for any confusion.

I've been lurking for a few months, and overall have very much enjoyed and benefitted from the wisdom and experience offered here. I'm thankful there are spaces like this online, especially now.

After initially trying to type the whole situation out from beginning to end, make it coherent/readable and failing miserably, a summary seemed to be in order.

So, to sum up:

I am one end of a non-hierarchal, live-in fmf vee. We are all in our 30s. This is my fourth poly relationship, their second. They have been together for 5 years/are legally married, we have been together for 8 months and want to get married. We've been living together as a family for 5 months.

The problem: My metamour is suddenly insisting that we maintain separate residences. She has recently decided that she doesn't want to be polyamorous any more and says that while she supports our relationship, she can't deal with being exposed to it on a daily basis.

She wants to maintain her relationship with our partner, but only if he agrees to maintain separate living spaces for me and her, which he is neither able nor willing to do. I am not in favor of this either, for various reasons. It should also be noted that neither her nor I can afford to live on our own without his support, as neither of us is currently employed or has very high earning potential.

While I respect her feelings, her right to change her mind and certainly don't want to make her miserable, it seems as though she is holding their/our relationship hostage to get her way, primarily because she is in a difficult place in life at the moment and projecting her feelings onto polyamory/my relationship with our shared partner.

I don't want to make my metamour, and by extension my partner and myself, unhappy/subject to a volatile home life, but I don't think we should upend our living situation to indulge what seems to be a situational, temporary freak-out on her part either.

Any thoughts? Is there anything we can do to resolve this? I want to have the healthiest, happiest and most stable family dynamic possible under the circumstances. I don't want my partner and metamour to lose their relationship, and I don't want to be forced to live under a different roof than my partner. Any advice would be immensely appreciated.

TL;DR - FMF live-in vee, my metamour suddenly wants to maintain separate residences because she doesn't want to be polyamorous anymore/deal with my relationship with our shared partner, largely due to personal difficulties that are not poly-related. Neither me nor my partner want this, nor can we afford the living arrangement, and it seems as though his relationship with her is on the line if we don't go along. Help?

Thanks for reading.

BoringGuy 05-08-2013 09:14 PM

Sounds like she's breaking up with you/him and you're not having it? Or is she trying to make you move out? I don't understand what you're asking for. If someone wants to leave or end a relationship or living situation, you can't really stop them unless you like, hold them prisoner against their will by force.

YouAreHere 05-09-2013 02:24 AM

She's the one having issues with the living arrangements; I don't really understand why she doesn't remove herself from the situation rather than trying to coerce you into doing the same. :confused:

Edited to add: Whoops... Missed the whole "legally married" part the first time I read this (reading while sleepy is always a risk). Much as I don't want to rehash the "couples privilege" thread, I can understand why this is a bigger deal for her to just move out than to ask you to do the same. I *do* agree with NYCindie below that she should work at contributing toward the separate residences, rather than expect him to provide for you both. There's a part of me that thinks that she should *know* that he can't financially do both, so I'm suspicious that her asking him to do so is a backhanded way of getting him to break up with one of you... most likely you, since they're legally married. But it's early and I haven't had my coffee yet.

Why are you not in favor of separate residences (aside from the financial part) if it means a better working relationship all around? Is it that you'd prefer a "Poly family" arrangement, or that you wouldn't like the scheduling and time impacts that come with such an arrangement?

nycindie 05-09-2013 06:19 AM

Well, it seems to me that she is not really asking him to break it off with you. She just doesn't want to share her home with you anymore. You've only been living together five months; perhaps the first three months you and her husband were together were much easier for her to deal with because it wasn't in her face all the time. Maybe she just likes to maintain a household differently than you do and finds you difficult to live with. Or perhaps she's an introvert who feels her privacy has been invaded and she needs more space and time to herself.

Whatever her reason, I don't think she's being unreasonable to reject cohabiting with her metamour. I never really understand the importance people place on every partner all living together. It's hard enough to live with one other person! She hasn't told him to end things with you, so that at least shows she is willing to accept his polyness. She simply prefers to be the mono in a mono/poly arrangement. Nothing wrong with that. I see no reason to villify her for it.

However, if she does want a separate place to live but can't afford it on her own and wants him to support her, looks like she will have to work more to contribute to that. It would seem that this needs to be discussed. You should all sit down and look at the logistics of such an arrangement, and see what the possibilities could be, so that everyone is happy or at least not overly compromised in trying to achieve that happiness.

NoelVeva 05-09-2013 07:14 AM

Thanks for the advice and suggestions. I care about my metamour and want her to be happy. I care about my partner and want him to be happy. I care about myself and want to be happy.

Lots of communication/negotiation on the horizon. All will be well one way or the other.

Thanks again.

Magdlyn 05-09-2013 01:16 PM

This is why so many of us insist couples don't move in together, or triads cohabit, for at least a year of dating from separate residences.

You and she do not work outside the home? Why not? Are you both raising young children?

I find it surprising the man in this equation took on a 2nd woman to fully financially support. I guess it's good for his ego to think he can do that?

But guess what? Wifey doesn't want his NEW gf to be living on her husband's largesse. Moving a "2nd wife" in after only 3 months is "marry in haste, repent at leisure."

You say she has other issues that are freaking her out and causing her to want you to get out. But surely having you move into her territory after only 3 months is reason enough. She gave it a go, she doesn't like it... Personally, I wouldn't want to live in a house where I am not wanted.

BoringGuy 05-09-2013 03:39 PM

I have to ask because i don't see where anyone else has:

5 months ago, before you moved in with them, were you homeless and destitute? You are in your 30's. How have you been supporting yourself for the past 10-or-so years, prior to becoming dependent on these people to put a roof over your head? Were you being supported by partners the whole time? Did you quit your job to go live with this couple?

NoelVeva 05-09-2013 10:26 PM

Again, thanks for the advice and suggestions. I think with time and communication, all will be well one way or the other.

Marcus 05-10-2013 03:24 AM


Originally Posted by NoelVeva (Post 202495)
Any thoughts? Is there anything we can do to resolve this? I want to have the healthiest, happiest and most stable family dynamic possible under the circumstances.

She doesn't dig the living quarters dynamic.
She needs to get a job and move out.

They don't need to get divorced, you don't need to break up, the living situation is sorted... everybody wins.

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