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-   -   Communication on date nights? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4646)

tinylove 01-05-2011 02:00 AM

Communication on date nights?
So I was wondering for those who go out and date do you let your main partner know where you are going when you will be back etc.?

I am just curious cause when I go out I try to update as much as I can I will send a text saying I am having a good time and I should be home soon. My partner doesn't. Tonight we ended up arguing over it. He said he didn't know when he was going to be back or where he was going. I have never met this person though they have been on a few dates already. But I do not know who this person is so I expressed how I would just like to know some sorta info in case I need to worry!!

Another thing I was kinda ticked off about was it was last minute and sprung on me. We both have to be up early in the morning for work/school etc. I also live in a nasty neighborhood he said he didn't know when he was going to be back so I told him well When I go to bed I am locking the door. If you are not back by then oh well.

maybe I handled it wrong. I do not know. Any advice?

nycindie 01-05-2011 02:06 AM

It sounds like you guys live together. If that's so, then it would seem the only decent thing to do would be to let your partner know you're doing okay and/or on the way home. Maybe he feels like you're checking up on him or not giving him his privacy, but I think most couples do communicate what/where/when information when they go out, whether it's a date or not, out of consideration. Your request is not unreasonable. It might be different if you two lived separately.

Charlie 01-05-2011 02:13 AM

Let me say this: I tell my buddy where I'm going, in case he needs to get a hold of me. I let my roommate know when I'm going to be back, and does he need anything while I'm out?...

These are not hard things. Communicating one's direction, departure and arrival is just plain consideration for other people's time.

My first question is this: Why have you not been introduced to this person yet?

As far as your reaction, I'd say it was practical.

Second question: Does he not have his own key?

tinylove 01-05-2011 02:16 AM

Yes we do live live together we are actually married going on 12 years. So it is not like we are in a new relationship.

I just do not know if I went to far with the locking the door statement. He know the neighborhood we live in is bad ( the guy next door's house got broken into and he got beat over the head with a hammer)

He texted me and said he would be back by 10:30 and if he was going to be later he would text me. SO I reminded him that was fine but I was locking the door when I go to bed and he hasn't texted me back yet.

tinylove 01-05-2011 02:17 AM

We only have one house key which is on my key set which he left here.

nycindie 01-05-2011 02:21 AM

If you live in such a crappy neighborhood, I suggest you keep the door locked at all times, not just when you go to bed, and he should have his own key!

But that's another issue. I think most here would agree that keeping you abreast of his whereabouts and expected time home is a simple matter of consideration for the one you love and live with. If I were you, I'd also request that you meet his date.

tinylove 01-05-2011 02:25 AM

we do usually keep the doors locked at all times. We have three locks on the door! We do need to get a second key.

Thanks everyone :) for your advice.

dragonflysky 01-05-2011 02:48 AM

I think that informing someone you live with about the basics of your general whereabouts in terms of leaving, returning home, on a "date", is common courtesy. Some see it as their partner trying to "control" them and don't feel they should have to "answer" to anyone. My thought>>>>GROW UP! :rolleyes:

My former poly partner and his other partner were in disagreement about this whole issue. She didn't feel she should have to tell him about when, where, with whom, etc. When he would ask, she saw it as him trying to control her. (They lived together. He and I didn't.) Considering that she has a 9 year old son that he often provides care for/co-parents....I really think that providing this basic information would be important particularly in case there was an emergency.

When my adult son and I lived together for a year I let him know if I was going to be out, the general area, on a date, etc. He did the same in return. It was providing information....not getting "permission".

redpepper 01-05-2011 03:55 AM

It sounds kind of passive aggressive to me rather than assertive. It also sounds like your feelings are hurt and that he is pulling the wool over your eyes. If y9ou have agreed that he doesn't tell you stuff and does whatever then great, but this doesn't sound like it... it sounds like he has chosen that and informed you... no negotiation and therefore to me, no respect, no integrity, no empathy and no honest and open communication.... That is just not ethical poly... and to me, would not fly for one second. Sounds like some talking need to be done.

Mohegan 01-05-2011 04:35 AM

I'm a worrier. Karma knows this. We went through YEARS of fighting because he did not understand why I needed to know where he was and when he's be home.

Once he finaly got that I could honestly careless where he was going, I just needed to know I could get ahold of him if needed and I knew when he was coming home so I knew when to worry that something happened, things got alot easier.

Karma got better with keeping me informed, and he also got me to lighten up and not demand to know when he'd be home. If he doesn't know when he'll be home, he calls before he's leaving.

It's simple respect and thinking ahead to me.

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