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-   -   Ex wants to talk... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=46400)

leelee22 05-07-2013 10:53 AM

Ex wants to talk...
So, my former BF (a man in an open relationship) whom I dumped a couple weeks ago (I was upset about my status in the thing -- he was claiming his GF was unwilling for me to be anything more than purely a sex partner to him) has gotten in touch and "wants to talk".

I said I would. (Cowering now, and peering over shoulder, expecting BoringGuy to clobber me with a couple of brutal sentences)

I am not sure really whether this means he wants to see if he can renegotiate new terms with me. I'm not convinced he has enough authority -- his GF seems to have all the power in their relationship. But between dumping him and now, I have read alot on this board (and off it), and feel like I know a little bit about how these relationships CAN work when done right. I wouldn't mind talking with him about it. He is a PhD, it's within his capacity to understand. But unfortunately I'm shy in person and won't be as articulate as I'd like to be.

Also, while I think he'd understand my vision of what a poly relationship could be, I don't think he could sell it to his GF. And if we were to try again, I think I'd need some kind of direct communication from her about what precisely she is agreeing to. Don't want to hear it secondhand from him. I maybe even would demand to actually meet the woman.

Anyway, wish me luck. Going to try to sit a couple chairs away from this guy so I can't smell his scent while trying to make my points. Won't look at his muscular cyclist calves or touch his silky curls.

Will report back about how it goes...

Magdlyn 05-07-2013 11:18 AM


Originally Posted by leelee22 (Post 202203)
...I was upset about my status ...Cowering now, and peering over shoulder... clobber me ...brutal ...

I am not sure ... I'm not convinced...unfortunately I'm shy in person and won't be as articulate as I'd like to be.

... I don't think he could sell it to his GF....

Anyway, wish me luck...

I don't think it's luck you need, sweetie.

Natja 05-07-2013 11:37 AM

Good luck, don't allow yourself to be smooth talked and to accept less than what you need or want though, it is very hard having to negotiate your relationship depending on the whims of another person. I know it very well. It is like a Sword of Damocles hanging over the whole relationship when you know it could be renegotiated without your input and you just have to put up with it because they hold the keys as a 'primary'.

It is not a stable position to be in long term so...stick to your principles and take care of yourself first.

BigGuy 05-07-2013 01:42 PM

Good luck! Ask for what you want and stand your ground.

BoringGuy 05-07-2013 03:27 PM

I bet this guy has a really big dick and is awesome in the sack. That's probably why the OP can't say no to him. I can tell by the way she talks about his scent and his calves and his silky curls. Don't stop there, tell us ALL about him.

FullofLove1052 05-07-2013 03:42 PM

Why would you want to be with someone whose girlfriend has their balls in a choke hold? He needs to man up. I am not even being sarcastic. I mean this in the best way possible.

If he is a grown man, he should be in control of his life and his affairs. At the end of the day, he has to live for himself and not for her. He should not have to pitch an idea like he is meeting with the board of a company in order for them to manufacture and sell the product.

He must like it because he let you walk away. Maybe he likes being controlled. Whatever works and floats people's boats. If he loved you or even liked you, I doubt he would have let you walk away that easily. He needs to figure out what he wants and lay down the law with his girlfriend. You need to stand your ground and be firm. Confidence is your friend. It is okay to be shy, but when facing him, straighten up, look him the eyes, and listen to him, and lay the facts out. "I am not your sex toy. I am a human with real feelings, and I do not appreciate being treated like...."

Resist the oh so sexy muscles, the spiraly curls on his head, the scent of his cologne, the smell of his tooth paste, the aroma of his aftershave, the piercing depths of his eyes that are windows to his soul, etc. I know you did not say all of this, but I wanted to add that.

Good luck!

nancyfore 05-07-2013 06:49 PM

If I were you I would do nothing with this guy unless there was open and honest communication with his other girlfriend...

There are other men out there who will treat you the way you want to be treated.

leelee22 05-08-2013 12:55 AM

wow, tough crowd...

I guess from my perspective, this couple deserves a little tolerance. They are new to this, and she isn't comfortable. I can empathize with that.

Also, their situation is a bit unusual. The reason they tried an open relationship in the first place was to permit him to have sex with MEN, not women. Not sure if it's the same everywhere, but in Toronto (a very gay-positive city) gay and bi men tend to have pretty casual FWB-type relationships outside their primary relationships. I suspect that before I came along, that type of secondary relationship for him (with men) was the only kind this couple had experience dealing with. I don't think he set out to intentionally treat me badly, they just didn't really anticipate that I might have different needs and wants than a man would. I think it was more a case of making mistakes than taking advantage. All round.

Maybe that's an over-generous analysis on my part... But I'm going to err on the side of tolerance and hear what the guy has to say. It's just a conversation, for heaven's sake.

GalaGirl 05-08-2013 02:18 AM

Alright. If you are going to take a meeting, could ask him for the agenda. So you can deal with your worries about feeling shy, not articulate, and unprepared and get your own proposal in order if you are going to start up again.

Get it out on the negotiation table straight up this time. His proposal offer to you for a new polyship. Your counter offer. Then you deal with the wife's buy in or not.

It's either a match across all players or not.

And be prepared to walk away if the offer if less than stellar. Only accept stellar. You already had less than stellar here before. Could remember you dumped him for a reason. For you to reconsider? Better be SUPER stellar then.

Did you want to write out what you are thinking out that you want from polyship to help you prepare? And have forum people give you feedback on your own proposal?

Whether you want others input or not... could just print it out and fork it over for him to read. There. Done. No worries about being shy or articulating verbally. Just fork it over. Discuss your hard limits (will never change, dealbreakers) and soft limits. (could change in time.)

Remember you can always say "No, thanks. I vote " no confidence" so I cannot allow myself to accept this proposal."


BoringGuy 05-08-2013 04:57 AM

Fine, have your "conversation". Then come back here and complain about how his wife texted him the whole time and forced you to apologize to her for it, or whatever. We're all ears.

I think i might be thinking of someone else with the apologizing bit but it still fits in with this one so i'm leaving it.

First time, second time, shame on you

No one ever does what they're supposed to do

Sixth time, seventh time, shame on me

Never let yourself become a parody

Never should have let you take a poke at me

But i was open wide

Shouldn't be so hard for people to agree

But i don't wanna you don't wanna nobody wants to try...

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