Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   Moving from adultery to polyamory - help! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4627)

Sourel 01-04-2011 06:07 PM

Moving from adultery to polyamory - help!
 
I'm hoping you guys can give me some advice... and sorry if it's a little long. This is the abridged version!
I have accepted to change my monogamous marriage into a polyamorous one to honour my partner's desire for a new way of love. I'm hoping to see some benefits for myself too!... though at the moment, at home with a six-month old baby I'm not exactly sure when that's going to get started for me :rolleyes:. The sticking point for me though is my husband's insistence on maintaining the three adulterous relationships he started in the September/October 2009 and just renaming them polyamorous. I have accepted to change our marriage and would like this to start out on a healthy footing not dragging out the pain that this adultery caused. For the record, we were married after 11 years in the summer of 2009 and I got pregnant after a honeymoon accident - joint responsibility. He freaked and by the end of September when I miscarried he already had one new relationship going, the two others followed in October when I was lost in grief. I got pregnant again at the end of October and spent three miserable months in a relationship desert not knowing that he was cheating on me. The night before my amniocentesis, I asked on an intuition if he was in love with someone else... and the truth came out.
For Vincent and his three girlfriends they were all in a polyamorous constellation. From my point since my consent was not given this was adultery. Whatever you call it, there was a total lack of respect, honesty, trust etc. The road to accepting polyamory has been long for me, hampered all the way by Vincent repeatedly reminding me of how vital and important the other three are and while telling me I'm his primary relationship, being ready to split up with me if I put my foot down on this issue.
For me, this adultery caused me so much pain on an emotional level. My pregnancy got very fucked up, I think from the stress and the baby arrived 7 weeks early and almost didn't make it, spending months in the hospital. I would like to leave all of that behind and move into a relationship where trust is central. How am I to trust these three women to respect any rules? Or my husband who will already have three other relationships going before our polyamorous life even gets going. I'm asking for advice because I am totally lost on this one. Presumably because a part of my head is still in mono land :-) I'm trying to be open to all of this!

MonoVCPHG 01-04-2011 06:21 PM

My hackles are up because I'm having an emotional response to the idea that these three women and your husband were supposedly in a poly constellation and yet none of them had the ethics or pure human consideration to speak to you. What if you do put your foot down? You've been given the ultimatum of him leaving you. You're at home with your six month old child...when does he have the time for three other women as a new and responsible dad? Are you happy with him? Wil you be able to trust him again? Is he worth it?

Sorry to sound so negative...I'm stuggling with the concept of doing this to the woman he loves and mother of his new child. I know what is is like to betray some one's trust...I can't imagine him feeling in a position to ask for anything after this type of dishonesty. And the other women...perhaps he fed them lies as well; otherwise they knowingly engaged in some serious unethical and dishonest behaviour. I don't blame you for wanting them gone.

Hopefully some one without the Don Quixote complex can comment and give better advice. I'll just sit here with the pot on my head stewing for now:mad:

Sourel 01-04-2011 07:01 PM

I should add some nuances to my initial post...
Yes I love him, yes he can be worth it. We also have a five year old and I raised his grown sons for the last twelve years. But I feel I shouldn't have to beg for respect. The ultimatum comes from me: I don't wish to continue in the relationship if he continues to pour salt on this wound. The women all knew about one another and knew about me, miscarriage, pregnancy, the lot...

SNeacail 01-04-2011 08:49 PM

So you get to do all the dirty work. He gets free babysitting, someone to wash his clothes and care for his household while he gets to go out and play. He is not treating you as his primary (he will leave if you don't accept his girlfriends), he is treating you like hired help.

Derbylicious 01-04-2011 09:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SNeacail (Post 58206)
So you get to do all the dirty work. He gets free babysitting, someone to wash his clothes and care for his household while he gets to go out and play. He is not treating you as his primary (he will leave if you don't accept his girlfriends), he is treating you like hired help.

This.

Decide for yourself what will make this relationship worth staying in for you. Be clear in what you need from him. If he can't be there to give you what you need it's best that you know it sooner rather than later. Also be very clear with him about what his children need from their father. He has kids, and has done for a long time, his life can't be all about him and what he wants all the time.

NeonKaos 01-04-2011 09:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SNeacail (Post 58206)
(he will leave if you don't accept his girlfriends).



I think it's worse than that. He won't leave, but he'll just accept it if SHE leaves. That means he gets to be the guy whose wife left him because he was willing to work things out and she wasn't.

But ironically, the OP will probably get a lot of support from the mainstream community if she DOES decide to leave the relationship for these reasons.

It is unfortunate that there are children involved in this mess.

Magdlyn 01-04-2011 11:02 PM

Gosh, my sympathies. How sad! How did it happen you get pregnant so soon after the miscarriage? Was that another accident? Or was that your joint idea to deal with the grief of the miscarriage?

I guess one could imagine he started 3 affairs in some kind of way to deal with his grief over the miscarriage, but what an odd way to do it.

How many of his new gfs are now also pregnant? I just ask because I've seen this type of guy before. :(

LovingRadiance 01-05-2011 01:11 AM

I'm going to take the other train on this one...

It's not that I disagree with any previous posters. I don't.


BUT-

I was the cheater. I was in love with both Maca (my husband) and GG (my current boyfriend).

It doesn't matter what the details were for why I cheated on Maca with GG. I did.

The rest is history so to speak.

But-the whole reason that I am here today sitting side by side with Maca is because he accepted that telling me to give up the other love of my life on account of the fact that I found polyamory through some HIGHLY FUCKED UP BEHAVIORS wasn't realistic or reasonable if he loved me.
My behaviors were devastating for Maca (and myself and GG as well as our children).
There is NO DOUBT that I was wrong.

I accepted some insanely difficult boundaries for the right to have GG as my boyfriend. Because Maca did have a right to distrust, hurt feelings etc.

But the fact remains that if either of them were to tell me that unless I gave up the other they would leave-that person would have to leave because I love them both.


ONLY YOU know what will or won't work for you.
Feel free to read my blog or my previous posts for our story.

Good luck.

Deuce 01-05-2011 05:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance (Post 58258)
BUT-

I was the cheater. I was in love with both Maca (my husband) and GG (my current boyfriend).

But-the whole reason that I am here today sitting side by side with Maca is because he accepted that telling me to give up the other love of my life on account of the fact that I found polyamory through some HIGHLY FUCKED UP BEHAVIORS wasn't realistic or reasonable if he loved me.

I think this is interesting just from the perspective of the one who cheated. As much as the OP really should consider the requests of her husband, she should also consider her feelings towards her husband as well.
I don't think you can compare LovingR with Sourel's Husband as I think LovingR had way more respect for her husband in the end than Sourel's husband has for her. JMHO.

Fidelia 01-05-2011 05:45 AM

My heart goes out to you, Sourel. Bless your heart. I have been the cheated on spouse, although not in the heart-wrenching circumstances you describe. My deep condolences for the loss and grief you've experienced lately, and for the pain your husband and his mistresses have inflicted on you.

With all respect to Loving Radiance, Maca, GreenGecko and their tribe, their situation is the exception rather than the rule. Most people are neither willing or able to put in the monumental effort they have invested in making the transition from infidelity to polyfidelity. And even now, they continue to face challenges on that front.

If I were in your situation, I would drop that cheater like a hot rock. Not because he had feelings for someone else, but because of the disrespect he had demonstrated for me, and for the destruction of the trust we had built together.

Explore polyamory if your heart leads you to, but you deserve trustworthy partners who respect and cherish you. This group has not behaved in such a manner as to be worthy of you.


All times are GMT. The time now is 12:34 PM.