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-   -   Managing the Magic and the Mundane (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4622)

Charlie 01-04-2011 01:07 PM

Managing the Magic and the Mundane
 
I will begin, as I am fond of doing, by saying that at anytime, I could be full of shit...

but I'm not.

If you are looking for advice about how to live your life with many loves, go look in the mirror, right now. This is not new advice, a bit cliche' even, but it is nonetheless true. In truth, I can offer you no advice on how to live YOUR life; that is for each of us to figure out for ourselves. That being said, here is what I know to be true for me, and if it becomes or is true for you also, so much the better...

I love many people, but for the purposes of this forum, you should know that I love Rarechild, she loves her husband Catfish and he loves her, and, gosh ol' fish hooks, Catfish and I think very highly of each other. That is to say, we hug each other the way only two secure heterosexual men can do. (Love ya, brother.)

For now, I'm setting aside the parts of our story before right now, save this one vital thing that the three of share: We've all fucked up, we've all suffered heartbreak, and we've all grown immensely.

Trust, honesty, respect, kindness, communication, patience, empathy, generosity, pragmatism, strength, thankfulness, and consistency...write these down and look up the definitions for the ones that don't ring a bell, as I will refer to them later on...

What I have learned about Love in thirty-one years is that people aren't always so good at loving themselves. When we fall short of loving ourselves, we don't shine so bright, and end up looking for someone or some thing to light us up. Afterwords, when that someone or some thing is not there to glow for us, we're right back to being dim.

Rinse, and repeat.

While I may be new to "polyamory", I am well seasoned at being a human being who loves other human beings. By well seasoned, I mean like a good cast iron frying pan: Even distribution of heat, and the shit don't stick no more.

Catfish, Rarechild, and I have a friendship based on all those words that I mentioned earlier. I will tell you that I have grown to seek these things in every relationship I have, in family, friends, and work. To say this more precisely, I don't suffer fools. With six and a half billion people (not to mention dogs) on the planet, I get to choose my giving and receiving of caring and sharing. That is called "The-world-has-teeth" or "I-don't-give-out-change-at-the-ghetto-grocery-store-anymore".

As the three of us continue working, and, I might add, I have never known something that was so wonderful to work so hard for, we've dug into rich, black soil that is perfect for growing. We've also hit hard rock at times and we haven't gone deep enough to plant anything permanent yet. So, we are learning to take turns with the pick and shovel...

Jealousy. Show me one single relationship, family, friend, or otherwise, that does not have it and I will show you the meaning of the word "apathy".
In it's worst manifestation, jealousy is possessive, controlling, abusive, egotistical, hollow and completely useless. In it's highest evolution, which is still called jealousy, it is the most raw, honest, flattering human expression of wanting from someone whatever desirable thing it is that they are sharing with someone else: time, space, intimacy, fun, sex, silence, food, conversation...

Funny how we rarely get jealous when our loved one's are spending quality time getting a root canal...just sayin'.

Do this: Call your Grandma, your brother, your old English instructor, the boss you liked so well, and your best friend and tell them how much they mean to you. Tell them how great they are and how much you appreciate them for being in your life. Light 'em up cuz ya love 'em.

That's a polyamorous life and there's plenty to go around...

nycindie 01-04-2011 10:29 PM

Thank you, Charlie. Your post made me smile when I sorely needed to, and reminded me of important things that I needed to be reminded of.

If you ever publish your words of wisdom someday, I will be first in line to buy your gems -- you are a wonderful writer!

LovingRadiance 01-05-2011 01:15 AM

Excellent post!!!!

Charlie 01-05-2011 03:10 AM

Words are free...
 
I didn't invent these words, I just use 'em.

If I ever publish anything, and I intend to do so, I will GIVE you a copy...I'll even pay postage.

Smiling. From what I understand, it's healthy. For very selfish reasons, I like to make other people smile. Makes the room brighter. I choose this consciously as a way to move in the world. As Stuart Wilde so eloquently put it, "You pays your money, and you makes your choice."

Last time I looked, Webster's Dictionary was a reference book. As any philosophy student will tell you, in order for more than one person have a productive discussion, there must be agreement about the definitions implied by the words we choose. I know that Rarechild and Catfish live by many, if not all, of the same definitions of trust, love, respect, honesty, blah blah blah, that I do; however, I cannot assume that. In accepting accountability to their two big giant hearts, I also had to accept the responsibility of being clear, articulate, and abundant in my communication.
I have a propensity to draw connections between seemingly disparate experiences and events in my life and I am inclined, as many artists are, to be metaphorical when I communicate. While this is mature and magical, it is not always the most efficient way to communicate. Cut the flowery, glowing bullshit and just say it, let's get down to it. Even when I think I know what is meant, I try to remember to ask anyway. Assume nothing. Say what you mean, mean what you say.

When Rarechild, my blessed friend, opened her heart to me, offering to me her love in a new evolution, I was stunned. When Catfish, my blessed friend, opened his heart to me, offering to share his wife's love, I was staggered. Their communication is what made the departure on this journey possible. That they continue to do the work is stunning. They are beautiful to behold, separately or together...

...and I would take a bullet to the head for either one of them.

What I have been offered is this: I(We) want to share my(our) life with you.

Well, shut me up. How big is your heart?

I tend not to take any commitment lightly. Anything worth doing is worth doing right. Get ready for conversations full of grit and gristle, vibrant with vigor.

I had to look Catfish in the eye, as a man, to know that he meant what I thought he meant.

Never forget this: To be loved, by yourself or someone else, right here and now, for who and what you are, is a fucking gift. It deserves a "Please" and "Thank You" for every moment. Anything that cannot be given freely and willingly is commerce, and it has no place in any personal relationship. If you have holes in your heart, fill them in yourself. Never give someone you love a broken gift. Ever.

And never accept one either.

FlameKat 01-05-2011 08:14 AM

I have to say your posts are rather magical :p not to mention beautiful in a very soul opening way.

can I have a copy of your book too? :p

Magdlyn 01-05-2011 03:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Charlie (Post 58298)
Never forget this: To be loved, by yourself or someone else, right here and now, for who and what you are, is a fucking gift. It deserves a "Please" and "Thank You" for every moment.

I do thank the universe daily for my gf! I didnt even know I was looking for her, and yet, here she is in my life, giving me so much love and support and humor and sex and good cookin! What a gift indeed.

Quote:

If you have holes in your heart, fill them in yourself. Never give someone you love a broken gift. Ever.

And never accept one either.
Um, we're all "broken" and imperfect. Working on oneself is, of course, necessary, but I don't expect anyone to be perfectly balanced and self aware at all times. Lord knows, I am not. My heart gets knicked, my lovers and friends and dear sister help it to heal, along with my own efforts.

Rarechild 01-05-2011 03:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Charlie (Post 58298)

What I have been offered is this: I(We) want to share my(our) life with you.

Well, shut me up. How big is your heart?

So fucking big I'm convinced they've three been growing for centuries, at least.

Quote:

Originally Posted by FlameKat (Post 58329)
I have to say your posts are rather magical :p not to mention beautiful in a very soul opening way.

It is not just his posts, I can tell you for certain.

-R

eklctc 01-08-2011 04:54 AM

HIya
 
Thanks for sharing, Charlie. I was just introduced to you after reading Rarechild's posting so I am very glad to find something in your own words. Your thought process is definitely a breath of fresh air. I look forward to watching your journey.

redpepper 01-08-2011 08:20 AM

glad to know of you Charlie, you are indeed spoken highly of and I can see why now.:) welcome to the forum.

Catfish 01-09-2011 04:41 PM

Ladies and gentlemen...

This man deserves your attention. He is the real deal.

That is all.

Love,
CF


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