Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Introductions (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=9)
-   -   Trying to correct my colossal screw-up (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=46211)

stonebreaker 05-03-2013 03:20 PM

Trying to correct my colossal screw-up

I am here because I am looking to repair my colossal screw-up. I cheated on my wife of 25 years. She caught me, and now we are trying to recover.

Over the last few days, as we have discussed my atrocious behavior, we have communicated more than I think we have in the last decade. Because of this, she is willing to consider an open relationship with the other woman, with me as the "fulcrum", as I believe it is called. She is willing to tolerate, and even admitted to being a little turned on by, the thought of me with another woman.

I am blessed by having the most wonderful wife in the world. The other woman, call her 'U' in deference to Noble's article, is just as amazing, because she is also willing to consider this arrangement.

I have discovered that continuing this arrangement with these women is extremely important to me, because I love them both. Each fills gaps that the other does not. If I can figure out how to make this work, I think I will be happier than I can ever remember being.

So I need your help. I realize that this arrangement will not work without meeting the needs of everyone involved. I want my wife to say, in six months, that this was one of the best things we have ever done. I want U to say the same thing. I want to make sure that they are as happy with this arrangement as I am. I love making my wife happy. I love making my U happy. If I can make them both happy at the same time, I will be in hog heaven. My ultimate goal here would be to end up with two equal wives, all of us living in one house.

I don't know if it is significant, but we are all in our 40's. As I said, my wife and I have been married for 25 years. My U was married for about 20 years before divorcing 5 or 6 years ago.

So what pitfalls do I need to look out for? What issues will I need to address first with these women? They have not met each other yet, other than to read each others' texts to me. My wife said that she has a good impression of U because U, in a series of texts to me, tried to take the blame for the affair and apologized for hurting my wife, even though she had never met her. After the way I behaved towards my wife, I deserve to be kicked in the nuts. Multiple times. Instead, this wonderful woman is willing to consider a relationship with the other woman, in order to make me happy. I want her to be just as happy. I want U, whom I've known since the 5th grade, to be just as happy. Both women want to meet each other, so I was going to set something up for this weekend.


BoringGuy 05-03-2013 04:47 PM

You are one lucky soab that your wife is into it and the girlfriend too. Plenty of People come on here and go, "i cheated, i was caught, but i realized i'm actuallu poly so it's ok! How do i get my partner to let me try it" or "my partner cheated & got caught. Now they say it's because they are poly. They want to date other people, and they want me to try. I'm not into that, but i don't want to break up either. What should i do?"

You have been lucky to get past both of those hurdles, plus the additional hurdle of "finding someone to date who is ok with dating a married person".

Even though you started out by cheating, it sounds like you accomplished what many people who start off the "right" way never seem to get - choosing partners who are not only compatible with you, but with each other to whatever degree is "ok".

Do yourselves all a favor and drink plenty of water.

kkxvlv 05-03-2013 05:40 PM

If you're looking for potential pitfalls I'm gonna tell you right away don't ever say that one fills holes the other doesn't ever again.

Ok that could just be my opinion but as someone coming from a somewhat similar story I winced.

Maybe that is true for you and maybe these two woman could handle knowing that. Personally I look at my two relationships as two people I would want to be with if the other didn't exist. I imagine it would not feel great after 25 years of marriage to be told, hey you actually weren't filling all my holes all these years and now this other person does but don't worry you fill holes she doesn't too YAY! I can't tell you how much time I have spent trying to make sure my husband knows the reason I have another relationship is NOT because he wasn't enough. I guess for me that is true. Maybe I'm overreacting.

Next slow way way down. You might be imagining all of you living together in that equal harmonious home but they have never met. That fantasy is a long way off IF it ever happens. Tell yourself this now and you'll save yourself a lot of frustration and many many mistakes pushing for something none of you are ready for. Manage all of your expectations. Unless your wife has been sitting around secretly wishing for this to come along and U just happens to end up being the best friend she's ever met or something, it seems pretty unlikely she is going to see this as the best thing you've ever done together. Even if she does, it won't be 6 months from now. Read around a bit in the blogs section. Relationships like this have growing pains. It's a whole new ballgame. Your ultimate measures of success just sound way too high right now. I'd be looking for things like no one cried today, it was a good day. :D

I get it, you are probably elated this possibility is even on the table. For me this is the happiest I've ever been and at times the worst pain I've ever felt. It is far from all heaven all the time. Thats the advice the struck me immediately, slow down, manage your expectations.

Nox 05-03-2013 09:25 PM


Originally Posted by kkxvlv (Post 201650)
If you're looking for potential pitfalls I'm gonna tell you right away don't ever say that one fills holes the other doesn't ever again.

Ok that could just be my opinion but as someone coming from a somewhat similar story I winced.

I think that depends. I feel the same way in my relationships. There's lots of overlap, but there are certain things that my wife provides that T reacts negatively to (sports, able to talk about anything and have an interest in it, long term planning), and vice versa (classic books, non-vanilla sex, society).

As with anything it is much in the way it is phrased.

Kernow 05-04-2013 12:22 AM

I have experienced a very similar situation. My husband cheated on me. I knew something wasn't quite right and I gradually gathered evidence and worked out exactly what was going on. There was a lot to sort out in my head and I experienced a whole range of emotions; I was hurt, angry and confused, but in a way it was a relief to be dealing with reality rather than lies and suspicions. I gave myself time to think things through before I confronted my husband. I could tell that he cared very much about the other woman (C) and it was clear that she cared for him too.

I told my husband that if there was to be any chance of working things out I needed him to tell me the whole truth about everything that had happened. It was hard to hear some of it but it helped me to understand why it had happened and I think it made him realise how much he had hurt me. I decided to accept the relationship if he could promise absolute honesty from that point onwards. That was three years ago, it didn't work out as I expected, C and I have become very close and what I thought would be a V is much more like a triangle, each of us is very important to the other two and each of us plays an important part in making the relationship work and supporting the other two.

To answer your questions I think you need to change the way you are thinking about this situation. It is not all about you, there are three people involved in this and all their needs need to be met not just yours. So far doing it your way has achieved an emotional mess and you are very lucky that you have not lost both of these women. Don't 'set something up for the weekend' give each woman the email address and phone number of the other then take a back seat and leave them to contact each other and get to know each other in their own way and their own time. if anything more is ever going to happen they need to become friends and build up trust in each other and you need to give them space to do that. The worse thing you could do is to try to rush things. Your wife will need lots of time and reassurance from you, so for now devote most of your time and effort to your wife and remember that U has feelings too and she will also need reassurance. Most important of all no more lies!

kdt26417 05-04-2013 01:20 AM

Hi stonebreaker,
Welcome to our forum.

There is a great deal to learn about what to and what not to do. This site is replete with valuable info. Take some time and read some of our threads; you might wtart with the Golden Nuggets board since it references some of the most important stuff.

You are indeed one lucky man. Take some time to count your blessings and show appreciation to both of the women in your life. Like the others have said, don't be in a hurry to make anything happen. There are still many hurdles to overcome.

I hope everything continues to go well, and that this site proves helpful.

Kevin T.

stonebreaker 05-04-2013 02:29 AM

I read what you guys said, and you are right. I did not think they were ready to meet each other. But my wife requested the meeting, and U agreed to it. Today my wife asked me to call U so she could meet her, so I did. It went amazingly well. So they both want to meet each other. I thought this would take a while, but they both seem to want to like each other as soon as possible. I was not expecting things to go so fast.

I'm kind of nervous. I expected, after what happened, that this would take weeks or months while everyone got over being hurt. But they want to meet each other now.

I also went and talked to a therapist today about the situation. I liked her very much. After I had described how these women make me feel, before I even asked a question about it, she recommended finding a polyamory support group. She also offered to counsel us as a group, although I think that might be a little premature. But she was very supportive.

So now I am supposed to set up a dinner date for the three of us tomorrow night. I want these women to become friends. I'm hoping all I have to do is introductions and then sit back and let them talk. I don't know much about being a mediator. I was thinking that we should get a table, so that everyone has their own side, rather than a booth where I would have to sit on one side or the other. Opinions?

evad, I agree with you. While kkxvlv has a point about not hurting feelings, the fact is that these women are complementary, not identical twins. My wife is a classic type 'A', driven and running her own company. U is just the opposite, passive and laid back. When I was cheating, when my wife's aggressive personality was driving me nuts, I would go see U and she would calm me down and lower my blood pressure. I was then able to go back to my wife and appreciate her sharp wit and aggressive drive without banging my head against the wall.

I don't have a problem taking my time. I want everyone to be happy. I understand that if momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. I now have two mommas to make happy.

kdt26417 05-04-2013 08:16 PM


"I was thinking that we should get a table, so that everyone has their own side, rather than a booth where I would have to sit on one side or the other. Opinions?"
Although in a booth you could sit in the middle, I suppose a table has more options for more kinds of configurations.

As long as everyone is eager to move forward with these get-togethers, there doesn't seem to be a problem with doing them. Just communicate a lot and make sure you know what everyone wants.

stonebreaker 05-04-2013 10:25 PM

Off to dinner. Wish us luck!

nancyfore 05-04-2013 11:49 PM

Do you think you and your wife should be addressing the issue that or issues that caused the cheating? If this isn't addressed it could cause more problems between the two of you in the future. it isn't all that easy to say "I cheated and now the ladies accepted it and we're all doing great"... There is a reason that you cheated and adding another woman isn't going to solve the reason for the cheating.

All times are GMT. The time now is 11:29 PM.