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-   -   Surprised to find myself here (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=46197)

Kernow 05-03-2013 09:16 AM

Surprised to find myself here
I will try to keep my introduction as brief as possible. I live in England with my husband B, he is 41 and I am 51 and we have 6 children between us (teens - twenties). We have been married for 8 years (my first husband died). It began as just a 'normal' marriage, but after a couple of years something wasn't quite right. I eventually found out that my husband had a part of his life that he'd kept hidden from me including another partner. It was a shock of course, but I took my time to think things through and I realised that I had reacted badly when he'd tried to explain his needs to me, so he had hidden it instead.

After a lot of thought I decided to accept and accommodate his need for another partner. From that point we agreed that there would be absolute honesty even if that it uncomfortable at times. C is 45, bisexual and not in any other relationship, she lives about an hour away. I thought that C and I would just have a distant but friendly connection but it hasn't worked out like that. We get on very well and we quickly became best friends, sharing a man made us closer and more open than most ordinary friendships. So almost from the beginning it was a bit more than a V. C and I talk almost daily and we spent time together as often as we can, B spends time with C as often as he wants to, but he spends most of his time with me. The three of us spend time together too and over the last 3 years it has gradually developed into a sexual relationship between the three of us - a situation that we are all happy with.

We have had surprisingly few problems with jealousy. The biggest problem has been the need for secrecy as we would all like to be more open about our relationship. C is open about us with her friends, she has also told her parents and after initial concerns they are now supportive. She is unable to tell other family members due to their religious beliefs. B is open about some aspects of it with his friends and a couple of his friends know everything, but his family don't know. My parents are frail, I think they would be supportive but it would worry them so it doesn't seem fair to tell them so my family know about C but only as my friend.

It has been a steep learning curve for me and I am still surprised but happy to find myself in this situation. I have joined this group because I feel a need to be open and to talk about our relationship but in my ordinary life that isn't possible.

leelee22 05-03-2013 10:33 AM

Welcome, Kernow! I'm Leelee, and I'm very new on this forum, too.

Your situation sounds amazing, and that it works very well for everyone involved. I'm a single (divorced) woman with children who was briefly part of a not-very-functional "v" arrangement (I was the new partner to the male hinge). While that particular relationship didn't work well, I know that it's something I want to find again.

If you stay with us, I'll be interested in hearing more about your story, especially about how your kids feel about it. My kids are teens too, and I'm not sure how they'd react to a poly relationship, or if I'd decide to tell them or not. "This is my boyfriend and this is our mutual friend" seems easy to get away with... but also diminishes her role...

Hope you find the support and friendship you're looking for here.

FullofLove1052 05-03-2013 02:18 PM


It is always a pleasure to welcome people from the UK because that is where I am from! :D

I am very delighted to find out that your situation is working out so well, and I hope it continues to flourish for you all. I, too, look forward to hearing your story. Once again, welcome, welcome, welcome!


kdt26417 05-04-2013 12:29 AM

Hi Kernow,
Welcome to our forum.

Sounds like you have been lucky to have this unexpected situation work out so well. Sorry you are not able to be open with everyone about it. Hopefully this site will give you some freedom to talk about it.

Have a look around on our site and see if you have any thoughts or questions to share. I'm glad you could join us.

Kevin T.

franchescasc 05-04-2013 04:00 AM

I'm fairly new here too and also in a V turned triad. We aren't open either, and I know that can be hard. This forum has been a great place for resources and support. I look forward to hearing your experience!

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