Half Open Relationship..?
As this is my first post here, I'll tell a bit about myself, both as an introduction, and also to give some background for a question that's been plaguing me for some time.
I'm a 32 year old male, heterosexual non-traditional college student, dating a 22 year old bisexual female, who is attending the same university. We've been dating for a bit over two years now. Early in our relationship, my girlfriend came out about her bisexuality publicly for the first time, and we began discussing bringing other girls into the bedroom with us. After about a year of discussion and lightly testing the waters, we began unicorn hunting, I suppose you'd say, and have had a few FMF threesomes. After each one, we've always felt better than ever about our relationship. Being with others somehow seems to bring us closer together.
Somewhere along the way, the subject of polyamory came up. While neither of us believes there's such thing as "the one", and while we both believe one can fall in love with more than one person at a time, we still remain poly virgins, though we're both interested in giving it a try.
Here's the rub... While we're both interested in bringing other girls into our relationship, both sexually and emotionally, my girlfriend has also expressed interest in doing so with other guys--something that wasn't the case at all previously. The problem is, I'm not OK with that. I am, admittedly, currently too jealous and insecure to agree to it.
So, after much loquaciousness, my question:
Am I a total chauvinistic, selfish, controlling jerk for wanting other girls in our relationship, but not allowing my girlfriend to have other guys? Is it required or expected that an open or poly relationship be open to all? Am I just not cut out for polyamory?
I'm totally open to the possibility that I am indeed being selfish. Part of me agrees, while another part of me says that that is simply my boundary, and that just because my girlfriend gives me blessing to do something does not mean that I HAVE to reciprocate. Also, being with other girls is something my girlfriend and I can SHARE. It's a common interest. I have no such interest in men. I've consulted several friends, and while they mostly agree that I'm being a jerk, I'd like to hear from the actual poly community. Please let me know what you think. Don't sugar coat anything. I want real, honest, educated responses. Thank you for reading.
I don't think you're being a jerk. Normal, emotional reactions don't mean you're being a jerk.
But if I was you I think I would stop and question why I was threatened by the extra penis as opposed to the extra vagina. What is it about her dating a man that you specifically don't like the thought of?
To expand on what Charlotte asked you is it because you don't see the extra vagina as a threat? That it isn't real sex? And you feel that another penis will more likely lure her away?
We have a name for this, it is called 'One Penis Policy' and a feature of male entitlement that IS sexist and it IS rooted in ownership of women, so although I too, do not think you are being a jerk, this is rooted deeper than a boundary, this is to do with your real views about women and female sexuality i.e. women are something you and your gf can 'share' (as if she is a dessert or some inanimate object) but men are 'real' people.
Do you understand why this might come across as sexist?
1. You're being honest with your feelings, which is good.
2. Controlling others actions to manage your insecurities is generally not a good idea.
3. Jealousy is either a phobic response or it is a warning that something is wrong with the relatiinship. Only you can determine which it is. If it is phobic, then you must decide if you want fear to control your relationship. If you were afraid of flying, would you make your SO always take the bus?
You answered yourself already. You do not like the sound of your GF being with other guys because
a) currently too jealous and insecure to agree to it.
b) prefer to share female lovers (because that feels good/safer?) You've shared good sexual experiences there with GF and female lovers so it's not as scary.
Could read more on jealousy. Dig into the WHY of your own jealous. And why her polydating "women" feels safer to you than "men." To help resolve your upset.
Could think on whether UNSHARED female lovers could upset you too. If so, maybe it isn't the gender of the person.
Could think on what makes it scary in other ways. It's fear of demotion? displacement? intrustion? Something else?
It's about competition, confidence/insecure stuff because you live with a bullying inner voice?
No. It is not a "requirement" that if you are in an open or poly relationship with your GF that you "just be" agreeable to her being with all people and YOU concurrently. She can have her preferences. But so can you.
You have in internal list of "Messy people" I am sure. I'm also pretty sure people like your boss or your parents are near the top of the list! And you would NOT be eager to participate in a polyship arrangement with her and those people and you concurrently.
She can always date who she wants to. You do not control her. But she cannot date X and you concurrently without YOUR goodwill and willingness to participate and have is result in a harmonious polyship.
Because you control you and what you wish to be a participant in or not. You can always say "No, thank you. Not like this. I do not want to participate in that. Sounds too messy for me."
Your preferences for your romances (for whatever reason) are your preferences. If you were into monogamous arrangements and offering her a monoship with you, she could sign up to participate or decline to participate.
If your preferences for an open model presents her with an offer she digs, she digs it. If your offer is not something she's into, she can decline.
So just spit it out.
"My preferences at this time are _________. It could become _______ in time but no guarantee. That's the offer on the table. What's your preferences?"
See if you are still compatible and still wanting the same things at this time or not. Even in the same person, what they might want from polyship could change over time. What you want as college students may not be what you want after grad for instance.
How about telling GF you are willing to talk about it and sort it out (assuming you really are) but NOT willing to just jump in with her polydating men until you sort out what your jealous/insecure is pinging from inside you and what support/nurture you may need from her in that process.
Could she be willing to consider postponing dating while helping you sort out what it is you need from yourself and from her, all that, or is she not willing? This article while written from the POV of going "monogamous ---> Open" delineates steps to a possible approach. Just as easily could be you guys going from "open with women ---> open with both men and women."
Everyone could state where their willingness lies at this time and sort what they are willing to do/not do. Then sort it out between you.
You two just stick with hawt threesome secks and don't go "bringing people into your relationship". You don't "bring people into " "YOUR" relationship. You "bring people into" your BEDROOM, you HAVE relationships WITH people.
If you want a relationship, stop saying "bring into".
If you want to "bring into", stick with recreational threesomes.
This "bringing into" is gross. Read around the forum more.
So, after much loquaciousness, my question:
Am I a total chauvinistic, selfish, controlling jerk for wanting other girls in our relationship, but not allowing my girlfriend to have other guys? [/QUOTE]
My ex husband was like that. 3ways were on, him having a gf was ok. Me having a gf of my own, not ok. Me having sex with men, not ok. I cheated on him multiple times over the ars, I felt completely justified in doing it. I know that cheating is never ok. That's how I met my husband, he and I were having an affair and I left x to be with him. Not saying this will happen to you but when you treat someone unfairly its always a possibility.
It's call a one-penis-policy...so yes, it is a type of Poly relationship. Me, my wife (bisexual), and my girlfriend (straight) have this type of relationship. They both know how I feel and it works for us.
I tried to get over (what some would call jealousy) my issues about having another man in my wife's or my girlfriend's life. I found that I'm cool with every aspect of either of them having a relationship with another male except sex. For me, I told my wife (then fiance') that she may want to end our relationship becuase I knew that I couldn't get over my issue. I even told her that I would rather see her happiest in a poly relationship where she could have more than one man then just happy with me and other female sexual relationship(s). She told me that she didn't think no one could make her happier than I do and since she knew how much it would hurt me, that she was willing to live with that boundary. We were married less than 6 months after that!! (No, it was not the reason we were waiting, just the way it happened)
I meet & starting dating my girlfriend (who never knew about the poly lifestyle) and I started dating about 4 months after our wedding. Once we (all 3) decided to become a family, we had the talk about my (only) boundary. She stated her boundary (no other women except wifey) to which I agreed. Now, we are a happy family!
I told you that because I wanted you to know that there are some poly relationships that work with a one-penis-policy. You just need to make sure that this would be agreeable with your GF. I also would suggest that you try to get over your issues, who knows, maybe it won't be as bad as mine. But if they are, the big question is are you willing to lose your GF over those issues? I was...because it would have made her happiest! I glad I didn't have too...yet!
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