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-   -   Not sure what I am or where I fall... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=46181)

valkyrie520 05-03-2013 03:44 AM

Not sure what I am or where I fall...
 
Hi - I'm new here, but I found this site and thought it would be the perfect place to make friends/find sage advice. I'm in a bit of a pickle. I'm in a plain ol' fashioned hetero marriage - we've been together since I was 15. I'm 28 now. I've been going through some ... changes ... emotionally/sexually/etc that are making me question many of my life choices. Well, mainly my marriage. What really blows is that ... well ... my marriage is mostly fine. We are best friends and are very honest with one another. But - I have met someone else. Someone who really stirs my kettle ... and while nothing has happened with this other person, I kind of want something to. But I don't feel like cheating is really right ... because lying is stupid.

We've talked about some of my recent desires for more sexual experiences, and an open relationship came up. While I've always been understanding of those who have them, I never thought I would ever want one ... until now. So this is all very confusing to me. I'm not sure what to do ... does anyone have any words of encouragement - any advice? I feel so guilty and haven't really done anything wrong .... yet.

areallyniceperson 05-03-2013 04:04 AM

Hi,

For me I have the similar situation. I have been with my partner for 21 years starting when I was 15 too. When I found myself changing (or probably more honestly) when I accepted who I was, I ran into the same problem. I didn't want to lie or cheat on my partner but at the same time I really felt I had to be myself fully. For us, we did a lot of talking, a little screaming, a tiny bit of crying, and a bunch of laughing. Through this process we came up with guidelines that allow both of us to explore without running over or through our relationship. There are bumps sometimes but so far so good. Be yourself because every one else is taken--Harold and Maude:)

BigGuy 05-03-2013 10:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by valkyrie520 (Post 201530)
l ... my marriage is mostly fine.

Define "mostly fine".

If the relationship is not solid, then adding more people will not fix it.

If the relationship is solid, then adding people can enrich your life as no one can be all things to another.

GalaGirl 05-03-2013 12:54 PM

If you are confused in your thoughts and feelings, you could do the work to un-confuse.

WHAT is confusing? To experience desire for another? That's normal. Doesn't mean you have to do anything about it either. Just because one marries, doesn't mean one stops crushing or noticing when other attractive people go by. You are not dead. (But you do have marriage agreements to uphold.)

Is it something ELSE that is confusing?
What could that be? Are you able to articulate it? Do not move forward without sorting out what is so confusing first.

If you and spouse are thinking/talking about changing your agreements to shift toward an open marriage? READ. Lots.

Esp what kind of open model you are after and how you'd cope with potential Pitfalls and jealousy:

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/im..._Polyamory.pdf

http://www.kathylabriola.com/article...u-in-poly-hell

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/im...ed_10-6-10.pdf

http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/p.../jealousy.html

Try it on just in the safety of your heads and hearts alone together. Before trying it on mind, heart, body and soul with others.

If you cannot talk about all that NOW when nothing is going on in a sane way, you def don't want to be doing it in crisis.

Here's more links:

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/do...documents.html
http://www.serolynne.com/polyamory.htm
http://openingup.net/resources/free-...om-opening-up/
http://www.morethantwo.com/
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles

I am sure other people have other good links and books.

That said -- there's nothing wrong with wanting a poly or mono shape relationship. You two could figure out WHAT it is you want together and HOW to go about achieving it in a good way. Or research it and come to find "Nah. Not for us after all" but have grown closer for the experience anyway.

HTH!
Galagirl

Nox 05-03-2013 06:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BigGuy (Post 201576)
Define "mostly fine".

If the relationship is not solid, then adding more people will not fix it.

If the relationship is solid, then adding people can enrich your life as no one can be all things to another.

My marriage was "mostly fine". There's always work that can be done, but there weren't any issues that would cause a split. I'd like more sex. She's like more housework done. No, the two aren't correlated (I made a chart to be sure ;) )




Val, good luck on your adventure. My suggestion is to take time and be patient. Our opening is going really well. I think it's made my wife and I closer. We've done a lot of talking (and we have always been really good at it) because I've needed her to respond and let me know what she's thinking. It's made me more secure and more confident. I think she's getting more of her needs met.

Lots of good information here. Lots of good people to talk to.

Oly1 05-07-2013 10:52 PM

I second GalaGirl's advice on the reading. Different resources and also just life stories and relationship problems here. I am new to this and it helps a lot. Wish I'd read more before things started happening... So take the time.

I'd add one more link, I found this post very helpful, she speaks a little on what kind of skills and backgrounds works best for polyamory, could help with deciding whether or not it can work for you-
http://queeringthemind.com/2012/06/0...ionships-work/

GL!

coolkat8 05-07-2013 11:58 PM

Research
 
I also agree that researching and reading will give you more of the information you need to make an informed decision. When my hubby and I first started this we actually read the "Ethical Slut" outloud together and would have nice discussions after each chapter checking in on how each other was feeling. It really helped a lot. Best of luck to you!

C

Marcus 05-10-2013 02:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BigGuy (Post 201576)
If the relationship is not solid, then adding more people will not fix it.

If the relationship is solid, then adding people can enrich your life as no one can be all things to another.

As another perspective; I absolutely disagree with this well known tradition. I've heard it many times but it never makes any sense to me. It is most likely related to how I go about my relationships. That is, I am not in a "couple seeking an addition" kind of situation. I suppose in that kind of setup making sure the relationship is solid before adding someone else to it would make sense... but that's an approach to relating that I don't practice.

In my world, I know I am ready to have a relationship if I feel like I'm healthy enough to not irrevocably damage a new partner with my insanity and if I have at least a little bit of time to devote to them. Since IV and I don't date people as a team it is not a requirement that she and I be doing well for me to have/find other partners.

If romance is a group sport for you then by all means, live by the quoted group-think. If you date as an individual, then maybe your guidelines should be centered on *you*.

Marcus 05-10-2013 02:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by valkyrie520 (Post 201530)
We've talked about some of my recent desires for more sexual experiences, and an open relationship came up. While I've always been understanding of those who have them, I never thought I would ever want one ... until now.

More to your topic... AWESOME!

My sage-like advice for you:
Be honest with yourself about your feelings
Take responsibility for your feelings
Let other people take responsibility for their own feelings


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