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-   -   Maybe Poly? HELP (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4614)

amaSir 01-03-2011 05:21 AM

Maybe Poly? HELP
:confused:Hi all
i am new and this is my first post. 6 weeks ago i re-met a man from my past. The chemistry is still very much there. We live far apart but talk, IM, cam everyday. I have very quickly fallen in love. The issue? This man has a dream of a Poly household. He has dated more than 1 woman at a time before. He lives with another woman right now. He wants to end it with her and can see me in his future but wanted to make clear, he would also welcome another. i have NEVER even thought of this. i was married for 12 years and am divorced.
i do love this man. i am flying out to be with him for 8 days. i am just so confused. i have no idea how to do this? i get so very jealous thinking of him with another woman.:(
i guess i am just looking for advice, or any other comments people with experiences have had?:confused:

polyt 01-03-2011 07:08 AM

If you're just jealous while thinking about him with another woman, poly is probably not for you. Let him know you're not comfortable with him being with another woman.

amaSir 01-03-2011 07:16 AM

really? i was wondering if because it seems so new i might be able to adjust? has anyone done that? i mean its a shock and the relationship is so baby. i was thinking as time goes on and i get more secure it might be ok? Just musing aloud, thanks for replying

polyt 01-03-2011 07:29 AM

If you're open to it, of course, you could try to adjust. It may just end up working for you. It certainly has worked for others. But it might be seen as leading him on if you can't get over the jealousy.

redpepper 01-03-2011 07:35 AM

Would you be going to cheat with this man? You said his partner is on the way out. Would you want to be treated that way if you were in their shoes? Its kind of telling the kind of trust you can have with this man no?

nycindie 01-03-2011 07:46 AM

If I were you, I would slow down. It sounds like these heady feelings have only come up while communicating online with him, and they are probably influenced by your old memories of him back in the day. You don't know for sure what the chemistry will be like when you see him face-to-face. It might not be love, or you might realize when you get there that you don't want to be in such a situation, or you don't like how he smells -- anything can get in the way. I would say, have your goal be to just see how you feel without jumping into a pre-conceived outcome. But perhaps wait to meet up with him until after he has either broken it off with the woman he lives with, or comes clean to her about you.

amaSir 01-03-2011 03:23 PM

Thanks all, You have given me lots to think about. i have told him that i am not sure it is something for me. As it is so new he does understand. And i really think the issue with the GF plays a major role in my issues. Once a cheater always a cheater? How could i trust him right?
i am going to continue with the understanding that i want to take it day by day and see how things work. Thanks for taking the time to help!

GroundedSpirit 01-03-2011 10:55 PM

Hey Ama,

I'm only going to say the same thing I seem to be saying all the time lately. Sounding like a scratched record !

Study ! Learn ! Be in a position to make intelligent choices that are RIGHT for YOU !

Poly is new to a large segment of society. Poly & mono both have their advantages and disadvantages. The only way you can know which is right for YOU is to be as knowledgeable (which includes some experimentation) as possible before deciding.

Just don't get too caught up in all the hype and excitement (or drama). Approach it like you would a science experiment. Only the facts please - only the facts.


mushaboom 01-04-2011 04:33 AM

Just a quick two cents as you have already gotten lots of great advice! But I don't really agree that if you initially have a hard time imagining him with other women you probably aren't poly. There are a lot of reasons why you might feel this way.

When I started thinking about adopting poly, I had a lot of bad feelings about sharing my primary with others but I knew that I felt okay about the idea of me seeing other people because I knew where my intentions began and ended. For me, I think that says that I felt insecure about my relationship with him not that I wasn't poly.

illusion010101 01-06-2011 03:22 PM

although my wife was the one that first proposed my having other sexual partners, i was very concerned about whether she was really ok with it or if she was just trying to make me happy. familly is extremely important to me and i never want anything to come between my wife and myself. our way of dealling with the prospect of jelousy was to have my wife there. granted this wont work for all situations but we were lucky in the fact that our new friend was willing and comfortable with a little exibition. we all talk constantly about every new development to make sure we are all still comfortable with where this are and where they might be heading. I've read numerous times on this site Open, Honest, Comunication is key, with out it your just looking for a bad experiance

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