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-   -   Keeping it a secret-how long can that really work? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=46097)

franchescasc 05-01-2013 06:57 PM

Keeping it a secret-how long can that really work?
 
I am in a good place right now with my relationships. Overcoming jealousy, head over heels in love, moving past communication barriers, being open and honest. But the biggest concern nagging on me is the secrecy and hiding of my relationship (and FJ's for that matter) with MD.

We live in a very small town with lots on the line if people knew. FJ'S owns his own business, and the risk of bible thumping folks boycotting his shop is a real one. I fundraise for a local non-profit, and have to maintain a high profile socially. The risk of losing my job is real. MD knows everyone, as she grew up here. The gossip would be terrible. Not to mention her ex's mother is crazy and may try to use our relationship as ammunition to take custody of MD's daughter. FJ's mother would die, and I could definitely see that we might have to limit her interactions with our children because she would be trying to evangelize them against our way of life. She is a hardcore evangelical Christian-her answering machine's message starts with-"Did you know that Jesus Christ is your Lord an Savior?"

My concern is this: how can this relationship be sustainable if it has to remain a secret? I read about unicorn hunters and secondaries, and one of the biggest pitfalls seems to be having the secondary as a secret. FJ and I are obviously able to be recognized as a couple. MD shouldn't have to pretend she's single. Oddly enough, MD is the one who is most emphatic that we have to hide the relationship. She's mentioned telling her mother and brother but no one else. I just can't see her being truly happy living like that. When I said "we can't hide it from everyone forever" she just repeated "we have to hide it"

Can I get some feedback from others experiences who may have had to hide for whatever reason? Did it eventually make you want to leave? And for anyone who has been a secondary (hate the word btw) how does being a secret make you feel? We just stumbled into this amazing love, very accidentally. But the last thing I want is to lose it or hurt anyone. Also-has anyone felt like they should hide, but eventually change your mind?

Ultimately, I can't live in secret forever. If this is going to be a lasting relationship, something will have to change.

BoringGuy 05-01-2013 07:26 PM

My spouse's other partner used to run a general store in a small conservative hick town and had to be careful of locals knowing too much about their relationship. That was nixed when they leased the store to some other folks, moved, and got a job that doesn't care what people do on their own time behind closed doors.

Not sure if that is of any use to you.

franchescasc 05-01-2013 07:30 PM

Who knows the future
 
I can see things changing about hiding if we all ultimately moved. Problem is, we have a business established, and 6 children betwen us to worry about uprooting. I just don't know when/if we could make such a big change.

BoringGuy 05-01-2013 07:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by franchescasc (Post 201200)
I can see things changing about hiding if we all ultimately moved. Problem is, we have a business established, and 6 children betwen us to worry about uprooting. I just don't know when/if we could make such a big change.



That's what i meant; our situation doesn't have the same parameters as yours. "don't like the neighbors? Move!" is easier said than done, especially if you own a property and cannot financially afford another home unless you sell the one you are currently living in (MOST of the people i know don't have mountains of cash stacked up waiting to be spent on whatever seems like the next big idea). It is worth mentioning too - the OSO did not move because of their relationship. They leased and moved because they were tired of working 12 hours per day 7 days per week and breaking even.

nancyfore 05-01-2013 08:15 PM

We (Nutbusterx and I) live in a VERY small conservative Christian town, have MANY children (19) between the two of us, and have a photography business and we have had the same situation happen. Though the girlfriend of Nutbusterx lived about an hour away, she worked with him here in our town. So breakfasts and lunches together became a concern. We are less concerned about family (though I have an ex that threatened court if I came out as bi not poly) our concern was the children in high school and how the "oh I saw your dad cheating on your mom" rumor would go over, and be forced to tell them we are poly in a way that would have to be rushed. We talked to the older (20's age range) and started talking about poly out in the open to gauge the reactions of the others. No one really has said anything, and the younger one's will be told on a need to know basis due to the issues regarding the court and custody threats.

Hiding is no fun at all. Worrying about the fall out of the rumor mill isn't either. I have no real solutions as we face some of the same problems. But offer hugs, and sympathy. We understand what our going through..

Hugs,

Nancy

BoringGuy 05-01-2013 08:30 PM

Nancy, are you and jim's last name Duggar, by any chance?

nancyfore 05-01-2013 08:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BoringGuy (Post 201208)
Nancy, are you and jim's last name Duggar, by any chance?


lololol... no it isn't Duggar, but I feel their pain at times..

westVan 05-01-2013 08:38 PM

from an ex-seconday
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by franchescasc (Post 201195)
And for anyone who has been a secondary (hate the word btw) how does being a secret make you feel? .

I can tell you that it feels really yukky after a while, the first couple of years it was exciting but in the end not so much. My ex-BF lives in a very small town and owns his own business ( we live about 6 hours apart and I travel to his town on business) so sneaking into my hotel room in the middle of the night for an hour or so because he couldn't leave his truck parked for to long " because people would notice and ask questions" . Not being able to go out in public for dinner or even a round of golf together. pretty much sucked, the sex was great but not great enough to make up for feeling like a dirty little secret after .:rolleyes:
As you may notice he is now my ex - we had other issues that came up that we couldn't overcome so being secret was not what ended us. But I think it had alot to do with the other issues.
I wish you luck and love.

BoringGuy 05-01-2013 08:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nancyfore (Post 201209)
lololol... no it isn't Duggar, but I feel their pain at times..

Ya i can imagine... Like every 9 or 10 months??? Give or take? Natural birth control, minus the control?

:eek:

Eta i have that many cats, but they are all adopted. I have been spayed or neutered.

BelleInconnue 05-01-2013 08:56 PM

Being a secret
 
I am a "secondary" also and do feel sad that it is a secret sometimes. In my situation, my boyfriend and his wife have 2 kids and they have immediate family who would be very judgmental so they prefer for them to not know (primarily her family) and there is concern about coming out affecting the kids, so we are only "out" to a very select few. I admit, I would prefer if everything were out in the open sometimes--I don't like feeling like a "dirty little secret" either and don't want to feel like this forever, but when one chooses this type of relationship style, there are certain things to consider before embarking and certain sacrifices to be made, one of which is not being totally out to everyone. I just take it one day at a time and we communicate honestly since we are all new to polyamory. Good luck to you.


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