An update re: three people falling in love.
Well, it's been three weeks of ups and downs.
It's been difficult to make poly even sort of work with Borderline PD--I get triggered a lot and have a tendency to make dramatic inaccurate predictions about the future and get paranoid. However, I'm trying to trust more, and neither my boyfriend nor our friend A is being anything but 100% clear and patient.
I like A. I like him a lot. The three of us are kinda like Venn diagrams that overlap evenly--we all share an equal amount of interests in each pair and have a hefty chunk of shared interests between the three of us. I...really enjoy talking to A, and while I won't say that I'm not really scared about being ignored, left out, devalued...I have to say that I'm happy my boyfriend is experiencing such improvement in his life simply by adding another person.
He let me know recently, mid-argument, that he doesn't always let me know when he has emotional troubles because in the distant past (like a matter of years ago) I have been overly self-focused and not supportive in a way that works for him. He says he's been experiencing a lot of depression in the last month or so for a number of reasons (VERY odd for him) and while I help with the bulk of it simply by being me, he feels a sense of security in knowing that he has someone else he can really trust and spend time with, ie A.
He expected me to be furious that he was getting support from someone else, but I simply started crying because I was so unhappy and ashamed that he couldn't even tell me about being upset, and because I hate it when he's sad. That was a real bonding moment. I mean, one second we were on the verge of taking time apart, and the next we were hugging and crying.
I feel oddly comfortable expressing worries and fears and insecurities with A, and asking him direct questions (How could we make you feel less like you're just something "shared" between a pre-existing couple? What can we do to make your primary partner more comfortable? Does he need anything?). We all talked last night (two separate conversations via Skype), and A and I had a really good talk about the future and what our ideals are and how we're afraid of getting our hopes up due to shitty past experiences. Again, I...really like him, and so does my partner. I think this is turning into something more.
I would love to meet A's primary, 'cause he's clearly a huge and important part of his life, and my partner has played an MMO with them on voice chat, but honestly he seems not very interested in building a deep connection right now. They have a fascinating relationship--it's very laid-back and they each have totally different wishes but they make it work in an equitable way. I don't wanna push, though, because for all I know he's just not ready to talk yet.
So I've rambled on and on. I'll be honest...I kind of really want to be part of a triad with these two. I have all these reservations about leaving A's partner out (since he's not interested) and what happens if one of us break up and how would it be to eventually move all the way to A and his partner in WA from CA when my partner and I go to grad school...getting way, way, WAY ahead of myself. It's a really nice thought though. :confused:
A really nice thought.
I have to be honest, Muri. I loved reading this post. Just know that there are folks out here who are interested and supportive of your journey. It wont always be easy or perfect. It's ok to be hopeful and fantasize about the future, and you have acknowledged that you feel like you're way ahead of yourself. Certainly, A's partner is a factor. Certainly A's feelings deserve your respect and care. From what I see, you and your bf are doing this in a very good manner. Keep up the good work and enjoy what you have. :)
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