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-   -   Positive Role Models for Monos (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4609)

sage 01-02-2011 08:39 PM

Positive Role Models for Monos
 
This is a big issue I want to address on my blog and I'd like some help from you guys please. New Years Eve was the last straw. I spent it largely trying to convince my son-in-law that I'm not a victim in a relationship with a guy who is "getting to have his cake and eat it too" (hate that saying).

That was the proverbial straw, but the worst instance of the "poor mono" syndrome, came from the poly group that Z went to in Brisbane. They feel sorry for me too!!!

It struck me that we have very few positive role models. Like everyone else we have issues we need to deal with and so we can't always portray ourselves as upbeat, that isn't real. I posted a happy story when my metamour came to stay and people still felt sorry for me.

Mono you're an important positive on here and I don't think anyone would feel sorry for you, but you're life isn't particularly representative of the majority of monos.

I think monodom needs a positive thrust. I think it will help people come to terms with being a mono in a poly relationship, but it will also help polys in relationships with monos and secondaries.

But how?

MonoVCPHG 01-02-2011 11:41 PM

I would gladly nominate Trucker Pete's hubby as an excellent role model for a mono....but it looks as though he's crossing over LOL!

I consider our tribe to be a relationship success more than it is a "poly or mono/poly" success.

I think the best example of a successful mono in a poly relationship would be a person who has:

1. effectively embraced their partner's pursuit and aquiring of others regardless of gender (cuts me out right there :rolleyes:...Derby, I love you but if you were a guy...bring it sister!...errr brother...you get my point)

2. has been supportive with eyes wide open (no DADT)

3. is not "stuck" in the relationship due to financial or family reasons (kids, house, retirement) No co-dependency.

4. some one who does not hold anything back and will commit completely to their poly partner.

5. someone who is consistantly healthy and happy...for real. No meds to deal with the relationship etc.

I think TP's husband is the closest thing I've come across on here or in person.

sage 01-03-2011 12:27 AM

Yeah I thought of him too, pity he has such a hard-to-spell forum name, maybe we could change it to Indy? If we're drawing on specific examples I think Vodkafan does incredibly well too, although I can't help feel sorry for the fact that he has to live without his wife for a percentage of the week.

But I think you're setting the bar way too high. How many poly's would could be positive role models by those standards? And even if we meet those standards (or come close)others looking in will still often pity us rather than respect us. I know there are always going to be people who will never see the positive in our life choices but how do you portray your situation to new people you meet or people who have been previously unaware of it, in a positive light?

MonoVCPHG 01-03-2011 01:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sage (Post 57920)
I know there are always going to be people who will never see the positive in our life choices but how do you portray your situation to new people you meet or people who have been previously unaware of it, in a positive light?

My bar is very high for anyone in a relationship regardless of mono or poly.
To answer your question..I don't try to convince anyone anymore. I used to but found it draining and took away from the friendships I have. If I want people to understand, they can watch us all together as a family. Even some of our local poly friends are a little impressed by what we have built. Anyone who observes us for a while sees that we are all healthy and are taken care of.

If someone came to me with the idea of poly before I had experienced it, it would take a hell of a lot of convincing to prove to me that it was anything more than one person being co-dependent and the other taking advantage of their partner. Even now I look at people's situations and feel this quite often.

Show people..don't bother trying to explain it is my advice.

preciselove 01-03-2011 02:13 AM

Along with what MonoVCPHG says, you just have to let go. Let go of caring about what other people think that aren't tightly involved in your life, it's harder than most people realize but it's also liberating. You can't control other people and how they judge you, even when you explain to them the situation most people will just never get it.

Hang around people that do get it, stay away from the ones that don't, let them come back to you in their own time with acceptance of your lifestyle (most of them won't).

SNeacail 01-03-2011 02:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 57915)
5. someone who is consistantly healthy and happy...for real. No meds to deal with the relationship etc.

Well, I think that disqualifies even half the population in mono relationships :p

Quote:

Originally Posted by sage (Post 57920)
If we're drawing on specific examples I think Vodkafan does incredibly well too, although I can't help feel sorry for the fact that he has to live without his wife for a percentage of the week.

Sage, how is that any different than people feeling sorry for you? Each of you have come up with boundries that works for your own specific limitations and situations.

sage 01-03-2011 07:50 AM

Yeah, SNeacail I did realize that when I wrote it. I initially had the word "even" in there i.e. "even I feel sorry"

Part of it's about projection. People have a tendency to project themselves into a situation. That's what I'm doing with Vodkafan; that's what my son-in-law was doing with me and that's what people in small towns who see a secondary out with the husband of a mono are doing (among other things).

It's just unfortunate that people seem better able to project themselves positively into the position of a poly than a mono and that gets wearying after a while. It's hard enough to feel good about our situation without so often being in the position of having to (or feeling that we have to), defend it.

redpepper 01-03-2011 07:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SNeacail (Post 57931)
Sage, how is that any different than people feeling sorry for you? Each of you have come up with boundries that works for your own specific limitations and situations.

good point.

To me a mono person who sees their poly partner's relationship life as healthy and happy for them as they would see them healthy and happy having a hobby would be what I look for. It sounds kind of shallow from my perspective as a poly person, but I think it might work for a mono person. Does that exsist?!

Mohegan 01-03-2011 08:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sage (Post 57904)
I'm not a victim in a relationship with a guy who is "getting to have his cake and eat it too" (hate that saying).

That was the proverbial straw, but the worst instance of the "poor mono" syndrome, came from the poly group that Z went to in Brisbane. They feel sorry for me too!!!

Uhhhh I HATE that as well! I'm not exactly mono though I'm not actively looking for someone. But I think because most people only know of Karma and Cricket, they give me the same lines and it drives me crazy! I am not a victim, I am the 'winner' in this situation b/c my husband gets to be himself and our marriage has never been better now that we aren't hiding from eachother.

vodkafan 01-03-2011 08:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sage (Post 57920)
Yeah I thought of him too, pity he has such a hard-to-spell forum name, maybe we could change it to Indy? If we're drawing on specific examples I think Vodkafan does incredibly well too, although I can't help feel sorry for the fact that he has to live without his wife for a percentage of the week.

Thanks sage. Our time split is not an issue for us and helps us in many ways (having fixed times), although I realise it would not suit everybody. I would hesitate to hold myself up as a great example, I am still working at it!!
We are nowhere near the point of explaining things to anybody outside our immediate family, and many members of my family I don't want them to know ever.


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