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-   -   Sorting though all new opportunities (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=46087)

flowerandroses 05-01-2013 04:47 PM

Sorting though all new opportunities
Hi everyone

My husband and I have been together for 7 years, married 2. We have a 2 yrs old, and I should probably say I love my husband from the bottom of my heart.

I have always known he had desires, and even though we've had our share of fun, tried swinging a couple times, went to clubs, we share a lot of fantasies, our son's birth has almost wrecked us up.

It's been a very rough 18 months, almost no intimacy anymore, the total mess.

After almost calling it quits, after terrible up and downs, I think we're finally back on the track of being great together, but the core of getting good together again has been honesty and my husband announced he no longer believes in monogamous relationships and hasnt for a while.

Now we are trying to discuss, be honest, and find a way to both be happy in our own respective lifestyles.

We are still in the early stages, but from what my husband told me, I initially thought he was just wanting "sex complements" as I used to call them.
But over the last few days, we've had new and intense conversations about his desires, and I have come to understand, he is more hoping to have me and our family as his strong core and the most important thing in his life, but he would like to have girlfriends on the side. Not only for sex like I had thought and hoped. He is still unsure of how far he would like to push those "complements" of our life.

He is perfectly fine with me doing the same, but as much as I would like to feel the same for myself, to maybe feel less insecure or abandoned, I have to admit, so far the thought doesnt interest me more than that.
I love to flirt, but not necessarily to act on my flirts (by flirt I mean talks and borderline conversation giving a hint I might be open to more).
I have never acted on them for that matter.
And we both have been faithful until today.

From the threads I have read on the forum, I think as of today, what I'm looking at if I want to keep my life and the husband I love is me being monogamous but polyfriendly (?) so accepting my husband having complements on the side.

I am less worried about the sex part that the relationship that would begin, them sharing some laughs, some complicity. That kinda rips my heart out of my chest. This is the hardest part for me.

For now he has agreed to give us whatever time we need to figure out how we are together, given the past rough 18 months and I'm grateful for that. We are really getting closer due to all these talks and I think he's immensely grateful I am still here, listening to him and trying to ease into that new lifestyle I had never envisioned for us.

I have offered him to start going out together, regular night clubs, without our rings and pretend to the world we are just friends . Just to test the waters and see how I would react if we were to flirt with other people.
He seemed extremely pleased with the idea.

I love him so much, all of this is so confusing, but I know I'm ready to do a lot to make us work, because we know how to be really happy together and I dont see myself getting old with anyone else.

I would gladly appreciate your comments and views, remember it is all very new so I hope you wont be too harsh in your answers :)

Thank you for this forum.

SNeacail 05-01-2013 05:36 PM


Originally Posted by flowerandroses (Post 201165)
It's been a very rough 18 months, almost no intimacy anymore, the total mess.

Has the no intimacy changed? What was the issue? It's normal for the hormones to screw things up for a few years after birth, then add lack of sleep, stress and childcare, etc. Have you guys seen a marriage councilor? If not, I would suggest it as a way to strengthen your base before jumping off this bridge (make sure bungee cord is securely attached).

nancyfore 05-01-2013 06:02 PM


Originally Posted by SNeacail (Post 201173)
Has the no intimacy changed? What was the issue? It's normal for the hormones to screw things up for a few years after birth, then add lack of sleep, stress and childcare, etc. Have you guys seen a marriage councilor? If not, I would suggest it as a way to strengthen your base before jumping off this bridge (make sure bungee cord is securely attached).

I agree with SNeacail,

You need to be solid in your own relationship or trying poly could be very hard on your relationship.

I also disagree with going out to clubs sans rings.. It would be misleading to the other women he might be talking too or flirting with.


BoringGuy 05-01-2013 06:11 PM

Are you going along with this in the hope that it will "jump start" your sex life, or "enhance" your marriage?

I am always skeptical when a husband "realizes" he's poly shortly after the birth of the first child. I think i have noticed that some men are turned off by their wives' bodies once the wife becomes a mother. There are various possible explanations for why this could be. Not assuming anything about this particular case, just mentioning that this does happen and it might be worth thinking about, if not the OP, then someone else who might be reading this thread.

flowerandroses 05-01-2013 06:39 PM

We have really had a wake up call and are headed to a much better situation.

Lots of intimacy that we both love is back now. So we're really getting to better grounds, grounds as we always knew before our son.

But he always had these desires on and off (why we had tried swingers club), but always repressed them and he no loger wants to.

I cant live with him unhappy, and even though I obviously wish us getting better will offset enough of those desires, I dont quite believe it can. It has been at play for too long.

And if it's getting used to a new lifestyle or breaking us up because he cant live otherwise, I would rather try a new lifestyle.

I absolutely want things on solid and happy grounds between us before we do anything to "complicate". We are aware of that. I made him aware of that and he seems to agree.
We are on the right track I think for us.

That still leaves a thousands worries and anxiety for how to live that new life in the next few months or so....

BoringGuy 05-01-2013 07:18 PM

Well that sounds encouraging. It doesn't sound like he has specific someone(s) in mind either. That being the case, my advice is (for him) to not get impatient about "finding someone". He may probably find a fair number of women who seem interested in him until they realize he has a wife who knows he is dating, is "ok" with it, still in love with/sleeping together, and no plans to leave the marriage, and they will say "not interested". He may find women who are ok with your/his open marriage who are cheating on THEIR partners. He may find women who are not cheating but only want NSA/casual sex instead of "a relationship".

Try to be aware that just because the two of you "decided" and/or "agreed" to do this, that neither entitles nor guarantees that you will "succeed". Even if you DO find out "where all the poly people are", it doesn't mean you will have anything in common other than the fact you're nonmonogamous (think about it - if you are a straight, monogamous woman (let's say you are single for the sake of discussion), are you attracted to every straight, monogamous, single man you meet just because you're both "available" for a relationship? And of the people who appear to be compatible dating partners, how many times have people gone on a few dates, started to get to know each other beyond the initial "omg you like pepperoni pizza with extra cheese??? Pepperoni pizza with extra cheese is *my favorite* omg you like teh buttsecks? *I* like teh buttsecks!!! We must be SOUL MATES... Etc." ...then realized that you can't stand the person's ego, lack of ambition, or the person turns out to be a liar or a thief and hid it well until it's too late, etc.

Anything that can go wrong in a monogamous dating scenario can go wrong in a nonmonogamous one. Plus, you have the added factor of one more person, so there will be other things to consider such as time management, jealousy management, and communication.

Don't rush, don't lose your head, and don't set "goals" that are not within a reasonable chance of attaining through your own efforts. In other words, if you MUST set goals (i myself am not a goal-setter), set ones like, "one year from now i want to be in better shape so that i feel attractive and confident when meeting new ladies". Don't set goals like, "one year from now i want to have a relationship with a woman who will eventually move in with me and my wife (NOT "my wife and I") and be part of our family blah blah blah etc."

You dig what i say up in there?

flowerandroses 05-01-2013 08:39 PM

Thanks ! Yes I think you're right. Patience is the key.
For that matter hooking up only for sex is a lot easier, dont need to get along past appareances for that ;) (for one night stands at least)

I'm really wondering how everything is going to turn out.....

I'm also kinda unsure about what what said earlier about not wearing the ring when we go out to party.... I understand the intent but I dont see anyone willing to flirt with either one of us if we go out together with our rings :p no ?

Also regarding body and how attracted we are to one another or my husband to me, I'm lucky for that, we get along very well in bed, and he has always said he loved making love or having sex with me, we are very free and share our fantaisies in bed even about others. Never had the slightest problem to climax every single time both him and me as well. We have talked a lot about how attracted to me he is, and even when he was really cold and distant he told me he never had te slightest issue in being attracted to me and that he loved my body.
He just felt neglected for so long that he had given up on intimacy. But it's no longer the case :)
That's a great solid point :)

I was just mentionning the past 18 months to give a bit of background on where we were and what we just came out from. We had almost nothing during that time but we're finally out of the bush.

I am interested by the idea of flirting, maybe sleeping around. It just seems so hard to let go of the idea of not sharing him.
My insecurity probably :)
And his "not only for sex" comments worry me cause it makes me thinks there might be a real big risk of him pulling away from me because sharing a growing part of his life with someone else.

BoringGuy 05-01-2013 08:54 PM

I think the point someone wanted to make about not wearing rings was that it could be considered a form of misrepresentation - "lying by omission" if you will. Correct me if i'm mistaken whoever said that because i am not trying to speak on thy behalf. Just my guess.

But even if i am correct about that, consider this. Not everyone HAS wedding rings (hello! Yours truly & Co.) so if i go out with my spouse to flirt with people together (which we don't do, but we COULD), is THAT "misrepresenting" ourselves? When God came down from Heaven and spoke to us all about how we HAVE to have rings if we are to be married, i must have been taking a shit or something because i totally did not hear Him say that. Not to mention people who are "together" but not legally married. Should THEY wear rings or not? And why or why not? These are the voyages of Starship Enigmatic...

flowerandroses 05-01-2013 09:05 PM

Ah ah ah. It's nice to be able to laugh a little around all of this. Thanks for you posts !

So among the people who might be reading this thread, are there someone who started to consider poly but were worried they might not handle well their spouse with someone else ????

How did you do to get over it ?

SNeacail 05-01-2013 09:20 PM

Check out the Golden Nuggets section and just read...

Here is a website with some really good articles on jealousy and the like

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