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-   -   confused about a relationship (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4607)

toddnewbie 01-02-2011 07:21 PM

confused about a relationship
Hi all, I'll be honest. I didn't know what this meant until I googled it! Here's my story, I moved to a new country over a year ago and was invited to live with my friend and his wife who I didn't know. I thought it was going to be strange but it wasn't at all. We all got on great and they invited me to go places with them and all good. My friend works away for months at a time and he was glad I was there to keep his wife company, who had become one of my best friends! When he is away we spend all our time together, out to dinner, walk dog, out to movies etc. But we have got really close and she does things that I find strange, I have been renovating their house and she'll order materials for me to pick up and say I'm her husband, she does it all the time. Even infront of my mate when he's home. She even said in passing that I wad her non sexual life partner!! Now none of us have talked about this situation but I find it hard to deal with. She is not a physical person even with my friend. I talked to her friend about it because she has noticed it and says we're always flirting with one another and says we're a better couple! I moved out and she was really upset about it and has tried to get me to move back in, even getting my friend to suggest it also. I am very confused about the relationship and looking for advice. Thanks

SNeacail 01-02-2011 08:05 PM

You need to talk to your friend and his wife about this situation. What exactly bothers you?

My husband has a lady friend that I consider his non-sexual girlfriend, he refers to her as his sister and other friends of their say she is his second wife. They share interests that I really don't want anything to do with and I know that there is someone to look after him when I'm not there.

AnnabelMore 01-03-2011 04:49 AM

I agree, there's really nothing that can be done but talking. That's the only way to find out what's going on in her head or in his. She is probably the one to start with, since she's the one with whom something may be going on. You can do it in person or via email (email might be easiest), but just initiate a conversation!

You could start with something like "Hey, there's something that's been on my mind and I'd like to have a conversation about it. I really liked living with you and your husband, and I like you a great deal, but I was confused by a few things. For instance, the way you called me your husband and calling me your life partner. In addition, a mutual friend has said that it seems like we're always flirting. Before I can consider moving back in I need to know where we stand. Am I just misinterpreting? Are you interested in a deeper relationship than just friendship? If so, how would your husband react? For my part, I am very happy being your friend and do not need anything more than that, but would be willing to consider another arrangement IF it's something you're looking for and it wouldn't mess up your relationship with your husband. Let me know what you're thinking. :)"

BrigidsDaughter 01-03-2011 05:12 AM

Well put Annabel.

nycindie 01-03-2011 05:13 AM

I think it's important for you to simply express to her that her assumptions and actions have made you uncomfortable, and that that is not the kind of relationship you want with her.

redpepper 01-03-2011 07:29 AM

I have a non sexual boyfriend. We have all talked about it, all of us in his and my life, and have come to terms with the fact that we love each other, but our relationship is not going to go in that direction. It might be strange to mainstream culture, but we here in polyland ;) make our own rules. As long as everyone is being respected, being honest and open, communicating, keeping each other in mind and keeping their integrity then really the world is your oyster.

I would suggest thinking about what you want from this. How can you benefit? How can she and he benefit? Then talk to them both. If you are that uncomfortable then maybe its not for you. That's okay, but it might be a good idea to tell her that. It sounds like she is taking it personally and hurting. Some reassurance that you care about her but don't want to go down the route of being her part time husband, or whatever it is she thinks you are, could go along way.

If it is something you could handle and benefit from, then it might just be time to talk about boundaries. What are you okay with? What are they okay with? Maybe you don't like what she calls you, but are okay with other things. A good long think is a good place to start I think. Do some reading here too.

toddnewbie 01-03-2011 06:46 PM

Hey guys, I really appreciate your thoughts on this, I think I do find the whole thing uncomfortable because I do feel that way about her and because it's different from what I percieve to be a relationship, I find it hard to deal with. I guess it's really got me questioning what love is and the different forms it takes.
I am a very openminded person but this is really challenging me. You are all right, we need to talk about it but its a very difficult subject to start, there is definately something real there, the more I think about it the more obvious it is. The constant looks into each others eyes, the playfighting and just how easy it is to spend time together and natural we are together!
I need to bite the bullet and talk to her about it, her friend says she's going to mention it in passing to see her reaction.
This forum is a great resourse and helpful for people who can question without judging, thanks

GroundedSpirit 01-03-2011 11:00 PM


Originally Posted by toddnewbie (Post 58047)
............... I guess it's really got me questioning what love is and the different forms it takes.


If only this would happen to everyone ! :)

A word so much talked about but so little understood.
Until it's too late...........

Seems you are living a 'loving' life to me. Is there something else you need to know ?

{{{{{{smack in head with large tuna}}}}}


toddnewbie 01-03-2011 11:51 PM

Hey gs, thanks! You're right I am living a loving life and I need to remember to be more grateful for what and who I have in my life! Free from jealousy and over examaning everything. The people on this forum are some of the most enlightened and caring people around and I am grateful to have found it and I thank you!!

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