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-   -   I read this (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4605)

Jade 01-02-2011 05:19 PM

I read this
 
I cut this from the following web page: http://www.gettinbetter.com/dirtywork.html

THE BOOMERANG EFFECT

Avoidance of direct communication is an insidious type of control issue that makes others feel emotionally unsafe, and undermines their trust in us. In the midst of trying to cope with the painful feelings this invokes, they might react in ways that are aggressive or hurtful in return. At this juncture, either they terminate the relationship, or we get to feel justified in leaving--but do we ever take ownership/responsibility for having maneuvered them into this position in the first place? If you've ever neglected to let someone know where they stood with you, and made them do your dirty work, you've earned a dishonorable discharge from that relationship.

My OSO does this, just stops communicating. Picks it up again, oh, whenever he feels like it, I guess. When faced with this, I find myself having a nasty reaction. I want to suddenly lose his number, take him off my friends list in the rpg game we play, that sort of crap. I have a desire to hurt him the way he has hurt me.

He stopped communicating via IM months ago, which I dealt with because we had texting and face to face contact (we're a quad in an LDR). We shared a good Christmas together, I thought. But suddenly, once again, he stops texting. Last time he did this, it was after what he called an "argument," but what I would describe as me expressing frustration with him.

Now I cannot honestly say he has "stopped" texting. I got an obvious mass mailer "happy new year" from him. But the change is clear. Here is my problem. My husband says, "it's not personal. he's been messed up since returning from Iraq. his own wife is having problems with him." I usually listen to my husband. Hell, I always listen to my husband, but I'm beginning to feel used. By taking texting out of the equation, we have what will be, at best, a relationship which involves face to face contact once every two months. I had hoped for once a month or every six weeks, but they have busier schedules, now permanent houseguests which have decreased the sex life between just the two of them, and are pursuing swinging interests as well. I may even buy that it's not personal, but it sure the heck is effed up.

Sigh. I'm not even sure why I'm sharing all this. Because I know it's just venting. Hell, he probably needs the dishonorable discharge. It would at least ease any pressure on him. My difficulty is, I don't move backwards. I don't take breaks. I'm pretty drama free but require communication maintenance. He is apparently unwilling to maintain and wants me to do his dirty work. He doesn't want to have to think about anything. He doesn't want to be responsible. I guess I should just give him what he wants; kill him kindness; let the relationship die a natural "whatever happened to them death"; and move on. One thing I know about him for certain, he goes after what he wants. When he stops wanting, there's no way to rekindle. I am much the same.

AutumnalTone 01-02-2011 06:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jade (Post 57845)
I'm pretty drama free but require communication maintenance. He is apparently unwilling to maintain and wants me to do his dirty work. He doesn't want to have to think about anything. He doesn't want to be responsible. I guess I should just give him what he wants; kill him kindness; let the relationship die a natural "whatever happened to them death"; and move on.

Seems to me you've figured out what to do. Walk on.

Olderwoman 01-02-2011 06:24 PM

I can understand your frustration. If I were in your place, I would try to put my attention elsewhere and stop fretting over it. (Life is too short.) I would give him the room he seems to need (he's taking it anyway) and find someone or something else to attract my attention. Live in the moment... make it a good moment. If someone drifts away, it is their choice. That's just my input.

redpepper 01-02-2011 06:34 PM

great article, interesting, thanks for posting it.

Ya, seems he's done. Well, I guess there is some lessons learned there... sucks, but hopefully you will be better for it next time. *hugs*

nycindie 01-02-2011 07:14 PM

Coming back from war, ugh. I think walking away from this is the most compassionate thing you can do for him and for yourself. Don't take these slights personally. His experience of being in Iraq will likely be felt for a very long time, and he needs to heal from what he's seen there before he can give of himself to anyone else. Find a way to give yourself what you need and know that there was nothing you did wrong.

FlameKat 01-05-2011 11:13 AM

Thanks for posting the article - very enlightening read...

Jade 01-06-2011 05:42 AM

Well, for what it's worth, I talked to my OSO today, and I don't think the disconnect is intentional or that it has anything to do with me. Our relationship has always been in flux. In the 3+ years we've been involved, we've gone through deployment and all sorts of other havoc. Something deeper is going on... I swear he should have received a ptsd diagnosis. But he was so surprised and so gentle, when I expressed my concern... and I believe that he meant it when he said, "You and I are good." He believes it anyway, and in terms of "workability," that's what I needed to hear. And he encouraged me to call if I start feeling that way, even though we both hate talking on the phone. I wonder though... I love him. How much more must his true wife love him? And how much more frustration is she feeling, dealing with this person who is so changed, in some ways, so much for the better, but who is, in some ways, so difficult now to reach. I'm glad we're all there for each other.

I hope... My gosh. I hope I have the patience to not keep making assumptions. I don't want to blow up what's good out of fear. I mean, I know my other hubby needs to be checked sometimes, but... I'm trying to figure out what's "normal" and what's "true cause for concern," amidst the "something's going on that's way beyond me." My own insecurities and pre-deployment behaviors haunt me in silence. I need to move beyond them.


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