||01-02-2011 06:29 AM
Ouch.....the journey ends.
It's been a rather rough week. I broke it off with my poly guy last Sunday. He told me then that he considered me a "girlfriend", not anything like a poly wife...etc., and that it would take time for me to "earn" my way into that "status".... in addition to ongoing involvement with and acceptance by family members, etc., etc. It was so confusing, as I'd raised the issue of my "status" with him at various times throughout the past year. This would typically come up when I felt like I wasn't being given adequate time, attention, involvement in shared decision making, etc. I said more than once that I had no interest in being in a "secondary" position in a poly relationship. He'd respond that he didn't want me in a secondary role either.
Here I thought I had "earned" acceptance from his current partner and her extended family members! Before I moved closer to them I asked both him and her, independently, if my moving closer was acceptable to them. (I didn't move closer only to be near them. I wanted to live in a warmer climate, and I was able to find a job in my profession before I made the move. But, it was a big factor in my move.) Both were very positive about me making the move. Once I moved, I was involved in various activities with him/her and extended family members and friends. He said that various family and friends like me....in addition to his current partner. While I can understand that one doesn't just jump into relationship commitments of any sort, I thought we were both on the same page about our relationship and where it was heading. This really sucks and hurts. It would have been more understandable if he'd said he changed his mind. But he made it sound like it was all a misunderstanding on my part.
I honestly don't think I'll attempt poly again. It takes sooooo much time and energy with so many complications when other people are involved intimately. I don't think I have it in me. It seems to only heighten my insecurities....which is obviously nobody's problem but my mine. My efforts to seek reassurance related to insecure moments were often taken as jealousy of the other person's accomplishments/achievements. (But it was more about jealousy over the amount of time, attention, and decision making capacity the other person got from our guy in comparison to me. I could accept that they obviously would spend more time together since they lived together...and was at peace with the fact that they loved each other....had sex together, etc. I accepted that she and I were different with different strengths and weaknesses. There were times I was a bit jealous that she was younger and quite attractive, but that was typically triggered when I didn't feel I was getting much time or attention from our guy, and he and I would talk it through.)
I still believe poly is a viable choice for others. And I wish you well on your journeys. If you're a person who "prays"....please put out a few good words/thoughts for me in terms of dealing with this pain and for healing.