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-   -   What to call mother? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4600)

preciselove 01-02-2011 06:02 AM

What to call mother?
 
I just want to know what names people give other women in their relationship to their kids. At first I thought using "Mum" or "mom" for both would be fine, but maybe having some distinction there would be helpful.

So what names do people here use? Meema? Aunt? Real names? I'd like to use something that is nice sounding like "mum" but different. I'm out of ideas.

MonoVCPHG 01-02-2011 06:09 AM

Redpepper's son just calls me by my first name. I have other chosen family children in my life who call me uncle. Because I am romantically involved with her "uncle" doesn't really work. I love with them and he knows we have the same type of relationship as the one she has with her husband but he also knows that he only has one dad. I'm his friend and occasional adult influence. He repsects me as a parental figure as well as considering me his best buddy.

Just my thoughts

MonoVCPHG 01-02-2011 06:10 AM

Oh..yeah, I realize I am not a woman.

dragonflysky 01-02-2011 07:05 AM

How old are your children? Are they old enough to tell you what they'd like to call other women in a relationship with their parent(s)?? Titles involving "mom..mum...mother..." can have a lot of emotional load attached that a child may or may not necessarily feel. I...for one...wouldn't want to impose the use of a title on my children that might imply or assume an emotional attachment.

If they do have an attachment similar to that with a parent, I've found that children can be quite resourceful in coming up with their own versions of "mum, mom, mommy, Mama Jane, meema....etc" to use. If the child is a toddler, you'll probably have to make the choice. I recommend it not be exactly the same as their other parent, however, unless the other parent is fine with that.

Somegeezer 01-02-2011 07:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 57780)
Oh..yeah, I realize I am not a woman.

Same here. =P But it could work the same way for 2 males in the relationship. =P
Personally, I'd rather not be called dad unless it was actually my child. Either biological or adopted. If I went into a relationship where there were already children, I'd prefer to just be called by my real name. I've only been in one relationship where a child was involved so far and he wasn't even at speaking stage yet. But his real father didn't really want anything to do with him. So I think, if I'd have stayed in that relationship long enough, I might have gone through whatever it took for him to legally be my kid. But I feel that would have been different than if the father was actually a part of the relationship.

Somegeezer 01-02-2011 07:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dragonflysky (Post 57789)
How old are your children? Are they old enough to tell you what they'd like to call other women in a relationship with their parent(s)?? Titles involving "mom..mum...mother..." can have a lot of emotional load attached that a child may or may not necessarily feel. I...for one...wouldn't want to impose the use of a title on my children that might imply or assume an emotional attachment.

If they do have an attachment similar to that with a parent, I've found that children can be quite resourceful in coming up with their own versions of "mum, mom, mommy, Mama Jane, meema....etc" to use. If the child is a toddler, you'll probably have to make the choice. I recommend it not be exactly the same as their other parent, however, unless the other parent is fine with that.

I also agree with this. Don't force it upon them, just let them develop a name themselves.

preciselove 01-02-2011 08:18 AM

"
 
Maybe a bit more context. The plan is for the 3 of us to have kids, so both of them will be having kids with me. Not sure if that matters or not.

I guess with the "new" woman in the relationship (new being about 9 months in) and a newborn already here it may be best just to wait a little on what to say she is to the child until she has her own children (and hence fully committed to the family).

I guess one reason people prefer using their real name is it is easier to leave the relationship compared to if they called you dad or mum. If this "New" relationship doesn't last and we have been letting the children call her "mum" then they have lost a "mum" instead of "jane".

Still, with friends calling themselves "aunts" or "uncles" to our child I feel like if there was a special word for "mum #2" it would ensure they are "different" than most people in name as well as function.

Somegeezer 01-02-2011 09:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by preciselove (Post 57801)
Maybe a bit more context. The plan is for the 3 of us to have kids, so both of them will be having kids with me. Not sure if that matters or not.

I guess with the "new" woman in the relationship (new being about 9 months in) and a newborn already here it may be best just to wait a little on what to say she is to the child until she has her own children (and hence fully committed to the family).

I guess one reason people prefer using their real name is it is easier to leave the relationship compared to if they called you dad or mum. If this "New" relationship doesn't last and we have been letting the children call her "mum" then they have lost a "mum" instead of "jane".

Still, with friends calling themselves "aunts" or "uncles" to our child I feel like if there was a special word for "mum #2" it would ensure they are "different" than most people in name as well as function.

As well as it might be easier, it certainly isn't a reason for it. It is the lovers who lose the relationship. Children too young have no idea on what has happened and those too old just couldn't care less. There is no middle ground between the two either. However, if you have grown up with these children from young to old, then yes, they are losing someone they saw as a sort of parental figure perhaps. But that is not their fault is it? Just because your relationship with your partners messes up, you have no right to stop that relationship between the child and those ex partners of yours. In that case, you could argue they have lost nothing. Your problems don't become their problems.

GroundedSpirit 01-02-2011 03:53 PM

Hi Precise,

Hmmmm, getting the precise details worked out up front eh :)

I think different factors play into this. Culture is obviously one of them so you're going to have to use those as guidelines also. Doubt you are living solo on a remote island. The children are going to have to interact with the rest of their 'world' in the future and the world can be cruel to children.

Also there's 'roles' involved depending on your arrangements. The biological facts may not end up matching the roles you all assume. For example, even though you might be a birth mother to a child, you might be a busy traveling professional and another woman might assume the 'role' of Mom. Same thing with configs with the men. Father and Daddy.

Whatever the situation, I think the children will make some decisions in this themselves. And it's certainly easy enough when the time comes to explain that they CHOOSE to call someone Mom or Pops (or whatever) based on the ROLES they fill - not the biology behind it.

And for some the Aunt/Uncle covers it all because nobody can argue that we're ALL brothers & sisters - right ?????????? :)

GS

RfromRMC 01-02-2011 04:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit (Post 57830)

And for some the Aunt/Uncle covers it all because nobody can argue that we're ALL brothers & sisters - right ?????????? :)

You might be surprised. :(
M's sister so far doesn't seem inclined to let her daughters call me and C as uncles. We're just "Uncle M's 'friends'". Oh well...it could be worse. :rolleyes:


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