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-   -   Curious how others "do" V triad relationship? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=45934)

BelleInconnue 04-29-2013 07:10 PM

Curious how others "do" V triad relationship?
 
Hi there,
I'm in a V triad with my boyfriend and his wife (wife and I are just friends). I live about an hour away from them at the moment because of my work situation but plan on moving closer in the near future. I get to see my beloved probably once a week. This is acceptable to me because logistically for the time being it is all we can manage. However, I know once I am living closer to them my beloved and I will see each other more often (which I am really looking forward to). I know it will be a balancing act because in addition, he and his wife have 2 young children under the age of 10, so time management will always be a factor. I'm just wondering from those of you in successful V triads (and I guess I am addressing the "hinge" member here), how do you manage your time between your two loves so that everyone feels satisfied? I'm new to poly and am curious. Thanks!

BoringGuy 04-29-2013 09:36 PM

It depends on the individuals. People who "do poly" because they need company all the time, or don't like being alone are poorly suited to it IMO. People who are very independent and enjoy alone time (by themselves) are better suited to it. this is taking for granted that everybody is not going to spend all their time together even if they all live together. And you have to consider that the hinge person also needs alone time by themselves. Are you a person that values your own company any personal space to a great degree, or not? What about his wife? What about himself?

You could run into problems if there is some sort of "couple privilege" going on. You said that you and the wife are friends. How? Did you know her before? Does she date other people? Does she have any say in the times, places, etc. that you spend with him? Does he need to check with her before he can make plans with you? Do you all hang out together? Etc.

I can certainly imagine someone in your position feeling like they are not getting "their share" of time. You need to be honest and realistic with yourself and so do they. If there's any sort of competition going on, you need to identify that and figure out a way to stop it and get everyone on the same page.

Dagferi 04-29-2013 10:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BelleInconnue (Post 200680)
Hi there,
I'm in a V triad with my boyfriend and his wife (wife and I are just friends). I live about an hour away from them at the moment because of my work situation but plan on moving closer in the near future. I get to see my beloved probably once a week. This is acceptable to me because logistically for the time being it is all we can manage. However, I know once I am living closer to them my beloved and I will see each other more often (which I am really looking forward to). I know it will be a balancing act because in addition, he and his wife have 2 young children under the age of 10, so time management will always be a factor. I'm just wondering from those of you in successful V triads (and I guess I am addressing the "hinge" member here), how do you manage your time between your two loves so that everyone feels satisfied? I'm new to poly and am curious. Thanks!

I am the hinge between my boyfriend and husband. My husband and boyfriend are friendly but that is about it.

My time is split 60/40 most weeks. I see my boyfriend on most of his days off. Either I will go spend that time with him alone at his house if my husband is available to watch our sons. If Butch is working then Murf comes and spends the night here (if a school day) or we (the kids and I) go to his house.. Plus I do not play the whole hierarchy game. I love both men equally.

For example this week I probably wont get to see Murf until Friday evening. He is off today and tomorrow. But I am feeling beat up after a bad food allergy episode so while I would usually want to see him. I am kind of blah. The kids and I will go spend this weekend at his house. Next week Butch is off Tues and Wednesday. Murf is off Wednesday and Thursday. So I will go over there Wednesday solo. Murf works that weekend. He is off Mon and Tues he will come see me one of those days. He is off that weekend and so is Butch so he will watch the kids so we can get some solo time over a long weekend.

My kids are 6yo and 10 yo. Summer will make things easier because the kids schedules wont have to be taken into account. But my relationship is kind of weird because my kids are involved and know who Murf is to me. I also do not play the whole hierarchy game. I love both men equally.

BoringGuy 04-29-2013 10:11 PM

That reminds me - i don't have a problem with time management because everyone in my "group" is pretty independent and flexible. We are all around the same age and none of us have small children to attend to. That helps a little i suppose.

BelleInconnue 04-29-2013 11:46 PM

I am definitely a person who likes my "alone time" and independence--and I know my beloved likes and needs his "me" time (like we all do!) and his wife as well. We hang out together sometimes and get along great as a group, but more often than not, I have alone time with my beloved and he has his family time with wife and kids. We are hoping in the future to have more of both types of time. I'd like to develop my friendship with his wife, too, and she is very fond of me as well.

I did not know his wife before. We met when my beloved and I got together and hit it off right away. We hang out as a group sometimes at their house and she has told me she is happy to have me as part of their family. My beloved does check with her before making plans with me because he feels his first priority is to the family unit, being that he has kids, and they have been together for a long time, which I understand--he has responsibilities. However, she is very accommodating about allowing us to have our time and space together.

I don't sense any competition going on. Yes, they have more time together for sure because, as I said, I don't live nearby at the moment, so that is something I look forward to being different. We have talked and envision spending a good deal more time together, though not "50/50", which his wife says she is not willing to do, which in a way makes me sad, but I also understand, being that there are 2 kids involved that don't know about our situation and are not going to know about it until they are older (the decision made by their parents) and due to responsibilities in their relationship that predate me by many years. I do get along well with both kids and they like me a lot--to them, I'm just a good friend of the family and they like having me over.

Thanks for your input--are you living with your wife and other lover(s) or just living with your wife? Living together isn't an option for us due to my beloved's wife not wanting her family to know about us, which I understand. It's a tricky situation but I think worth it in the end. I don't mind living by myself and just having my beloved come over to spend time with me. In fact, I might prefer it that way as I am sure there are many potential obstacles to living together as a triad--3 different people trying to coexist peacefully and happily under the same roof could be quite a challenge, I guess!

BelleInconnue 04-29-2013 11:50 PM

Thanks for your input, Dagferi! I think it is great that you try so hard to split your time as evenly as possible between your husband and your boyfriend--I like the fact that you don't seem to have a "primary" and a "secondary"--they seem to both be "primaries". We don't like those hierarchical terms, either. It's just the circumstances that make it seem like we are in a hierarchy I think. I am so glad to have found this forum and to see people living in the way we are striving to live.

BoringGuy 04-30-2013 12:05 AM

I live with my Spouse, together 13 married 10. We each have one other steady partner. Spouse spends about probably half their time at our place and half at the other partner's place. I only see my other partner a few times a year; they live alone. Spouse's other partner lives with some roommates.

Kella 04-30-2013 01:30 AM

I haven't any practical experience to contribute, so I'm a little hesitant about jumping in here, but I did notice one thing that maybe ought to be brought up.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BelleInconnue (Post 200726)
We hang out together sometimes and get along great as a group, but more often than not, I have alone time with my beloved and he has his family time with wife and kids.

Sometimes in talking about the time the hinge spends with each partner, people who don't have little kids forget that "family time" and "spouse date/romantic/sexy time" aren't the same thing. If family togetherness time has to come out of the share devoted to the parental spouse, that person might be (is probably) getting way less actual date/romantic/sexy time than it may look like to the non-parenting partner. The mommy (or daddy) spouse needs "alone time with his/her beloved" too! Just something to keep in mind, anyway.

gr8xpectations 05-16-2013 05:00 PM

Sorry I am a little late on this, I just check in every couple of months. I am the hinge between my husband, R, and boyfriend, D, and I would say we are very successful and can give you some hope for an even more fulfilling future (I have read your other post wishing you could be more with him).

Bf, D, was my highschool sweetheart so we had some past, but our poly story started with 3 years of still being in love "over the phone" as my husband wasn't ready for us to see each other in person (D living a few hours away), then 4 years of only getting to spend one weekend a month with him due to the distance, but has progressed so that for the past 2 1/2 years we actully all live together!

As for living together with children ages 13 and 11, and requiring that husband's parents and the neighborhood doesn't know the dymanics - the economy has helped us there! It is more common than you might think for people to take in a roommate. People don't suspect a thing (or at least don't show they suspect and still let their kids come over for sleepovers!) when we say, "Oh, yeah, and our friend rents the in-law suite in our house." That might be an option for you guys as well. You could all move into a house that is big enough for everyone with an "in-law suite" you could rent from them, giving you some personal space, but also able to be a bigger part of the family.

My 13 yr old figured things out, but the 11 yr old still doesn't know, so my alone time with D is still a bit limited. We get an hour and a half Mon-Thurs mornings and then Fridays until 3 when school is in. When it is out, it is more tricky!

To be honest, my husband lost his sex drive years ago (and at a very young age - but refuses testosterone treatment), so we are only physically intimate once a month or so, but in every other way we are a normal loving couple that cooks dinner together, takes baths together, go on dates and we share the same bed except for a few nights per month. When we are in public he is the arm I am hung on, but D walks closely on my other side. R and D have become best friends and actually spend a lot of time together doing guy things even when I don't feel like tagging along (they are both straight).

D is an important part of our family now and can't imagine ever having to live without us now, nor us without him.

As for your other post - I often go through phases where I am feeling girlie and am a little sad that I can never marry D and be his wife in a more traditional way. I love him so deeply and would love to proclaim that to the world! But the mood eventually settles and I am grateful for the full and wonderful life that I have. This past Christmas we did get matching wedding bands to symbolize our lifelong commitment to each other and he wears his on his ring finger (to show he is taken) and I wear mine on a different finger since I already have a wedding band with my husband. He takes his off if we are around people we REALLY don't want to suspect anything.

All in all, it's a beautiful life!

LovingRadiance 05-16-2013 05:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kella (Post 200739)
Sometimes in talking about the time the hinge spends with each partner, people who don't have little kids forget that "family time" and "spouse date/romantic/sexy time" aren't the same thing. If family togetherness time has to come out of the share devoted to the parental spouse, that person might be (is probably) getting way less actual date/romantic/sexy time than it may look like to the non-parenting partner. The mommy (or daddy) spouse needs "alone time with his/her beloved" too! Just something to keep in mind, anyway.

We all live together. I'm the hinge. The guys are *sort of* friends-but mostly just acquaintance-like in how they relate to one another.
We've lived together for 10 years and are raising kids (there were 5 kids at one time, but only 2 left at home). We also have grandkids in the mix-in fact, Little Pea will be here for the next week because his mommy is at the hospital having the newest grandbaby.

ANYWAY!
We all see each other every day-which is preferable to me. There was a time we had different homes and I still made a point of at least SEEING each of them EVERY DAY. (there was a year bf lived apart and there was a year that dh lived apart).
But as for romantic/date/sexy time, that is harder to come by with both of them working full time, me in school, kids at home etc. I usually sleep in dh's bed til he leaves for work, then go finish my sleep in bf's room. (dh works early in the am, bf works evening/nights). But-that is almost always SLEEP time in both cases.
We schedule a date each week USUALLY to go out (meaning I get two) but that isn't ALWAYS possible.

Much more focus on being a family as a group and enjoying raising the kids-knowing that when they are all out of the house there will be more free time.

OH! And all of the kids/grandkids/extended families/friends/coworkers etc are fully aware. We are not in any way in the closet. That helps A LOT.


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