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-   -   Polyamory and/vs. Marriage (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4592)

Olderwoman 01-01-2011 07:57 PM

Polyamory and/vs. Marriage
 
Some thoughts on Polomory from a single older woman.


The last time a man asked me to marry him, I asked him if would just sign over half of his property to me instead. He didn't really understand what I was talking about.

I just want to illustrate that marriage is about money and property, security, commitment etc.

In my opinion, marriage is about monogamy. One man, one woman. I don't want to rain on anyone's parade, but since group marriage is not legal, I think a poly-amorous relationship should be equal and each individual should seek self empowerment in their own right.

One solution is that no one should be married.

If a married couple at some point agrees to a polyamory lifestyle or "open relationship" then they should both be in agreement. If they are married and own property together, they should get a legal divorce and divide the wealth and property equally or fairly. That is, if they are really serious about a new polyamory commitment.

They should make it a goal to be independent or on equal ground with equal power. Either partner should be free to seek self expression and love unhampered by rules that only apply one and not the other.

If one person is emotionally and financially dependent on the other, they will cling to the other person and they will live in fear of losing what they have and everything that goes with it.

If you remain married to each other and add a new partner who moves in and makes a commitment, what kind of problems can arise from that? The wife may think the new woman is trying to take her place, or the new woman may feel like she is just a sex object to be tossed away when the couple is tired of her.

Also, what if the wife or new woman decide to look for love with someone new? Will the man be comfortable with this? If not, then isn't he is just a man who wants two women all to himself?

Olderwoman 01-01-2011 08:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Andy4700 (Post 57628)
Hey everyone. I am seeking some input this morning.

For those of you that don't know me, I am 26, married and seeking a woman for a V type situation. Its been hard as heck even meeting anyone.

I have had a couple slight possibilities derailed when the nature of my relationship with my wife has come up.

I've "advertised" as simply being in a happy, committed relationship, but since poly is built on honesty, I have always been truthful when asked more about my situation.

This at least twice has collapsed everything. :/ Its got me kinda bummed today as I was chatting with someone yesterday and we were seeming like we had great potential, until she found out I wasn't just "in love and living with another woman", but were married. She said shes not sure if she'd be okay with that.

Have some of you other married poly people had this happen? How do you handle it? Its hurting my wife because she feels like she is the one wrecking everything, when she's been incredibly supportive and would like to see something progress. She suggested we just hide the fact that we are married, but I just don't like to lie. But honestly, why is it such a big issue?

One thing to note here is that in both cases where I am sure its the reason nothing more happened, the girls were my age and never married. I get the impression maybe to them marriage is something different then it actually turns out to be. Like after you walk down the aisle, life becomes like a fairytale.

I have a feeling a woman in an open marriage would be more understanding, but I haven't met any yet.

If anyone has any input, i'd love to hear it.

-Andy

If a "marriage" is really "open" then what is the purpose of the marriage other than financial benefits? Marriage for a woman is not all that beneficial unless she marries a man who has more wealth than her.

Instead of a marriage, get a divorce and form a corporation of three. After all, marriage is just a contract with the state.

If a couple is serious about adding a third partner, man or woman, they should divorce and form a corporation. Just an idea. A corporation can serve as a group marriage.

NeonKaos 01-01-2011 08:03 PM

it sounds like you're limiting the scope of your scenario to a situation where a married couple wants another woman for a triad or a vee, and dismissing other forms of poly where marriage might form a more egalitarian component in the relationship, such as a quad or a vee where the "extra-marital" partner(s) are also married.

This is where I find it appropriate to invoke the platitude, "My poly is not your poly".

Olderwoman 01-01-2011 08:07 PM

I'm not limiting it but I was kind of responding to questions posed in another thread about that kind of poly.

I think the ideal poly is that nobody is married to anyone else. But then I may just be a person who is anti-marriage.

NeonKaos 01-01-2011 08:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Olderwoman (Post 57649)
But then I may just be a person who is anti-marriage.

That's what it looks like from here. I'm relieved that you said it first because all I have to do is respond to it, instead of reading between the lines of your posts.

MindfulAgony 01-01-2011 08:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Olderwoman (Post 57647)
If a "marriage" is really "open" then what is the purpose of the marriage other than financial benefits? Marriage for a woman is not all that beneficial unless she marries a man who has more wealth than her.

Instead of a marriage, get a divorce and form a corporation of three. After all, marriage is just a contract with the state.

If a couple is serious about adding a third partner, man or woman, they should divorce and form a corporation. Just an idea. A corporation can serve as a group marriage.


LOL. And, the US Supreme Court has given corporations individual rights (at least, free speech rights)... House being a jointly owned asset of the corp... Hmmmm.... Not as whacky as it sounds upon frist hearing.

I LIKE IT!

SNeacail 01-01-2011 08:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Olderwoman (Post 57647)
If a "marriage" is really "open" then what is the purpose of the marriage other than financial benefits? Marriage for a woman is not all that beneficial unless she marries a man who has more wealth than her.

I don't happen to agree. However, I don't necessarily think it is necessary to involve the state in a marriage.

Quote:

Instead of a marriage, get a divorce and form a corporation of three. After all, marriage is just a contract with the state.

If a couple is serious about adding a third partner, man or woman, they should divorce and form a corporation. Just an idea. A corporation can serve as a group marriage.
I don't think this really applies to the OP current issue. This might be an option if a V or Triad is well established and the group wants to make a legal bonding.

@Andy, I do think age has alot to do with some of the issues you are running into. Most (not all) 20 something single females are still under the impression that marriage is the ultimate, be all, end all statement of love. Isn't that what the mono culture, the movies and romance books tell us? The only suggestion I have, is to actually open this same discussion up with those having the issue, they may be able to give you a clearer answer. I can only assume that when they see married it means there is no hope for them to "win".

Olderwoman 01-01-2011 08:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NeonKaos (Post 57651)
That's what it looks like from here. I'm relieved that you said it first because all I have to do is respond to it, instead of reading between the lines of your posts.


I always try to be honest. I see no benefits to marriage, especially if you want to have a poly relationship.

SNeacail 01-01-2011 09:02 PM

I have no issue with choosing not to legally marry to begin with, but I do have issues with divorcing just to "even things up", then again, I don't believe that marriage should be limited to "one man, one woman".

MindfulAgony 01-01-2011 09:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SNeacail (Post 57664)
I have no issue with choosing not to legally marry to begin with, but I do have issues with divorcing just to "even things up", then again, I don't believe that marriage should be limited to "one man, one woman".

I believe it makes sense to be able to adapt your relationship contract to reflect the realities in the relationship. If a triad or whatever (beyond a pair) should develop the same level of commitment, sharing of life decisions, etc. that is typical of marriage, I think it makes perfect sense for them to find a way to find the approrpriate arrangement.

Dissovling a marriage and reforming a new union could be a wonderful way to acknowledge an important transition in the relationship(s).

There are advantages to marriage that can't be replicated outside this government sanctioned contract. So, it may not make sense economically to do.

That said, it might make a lot of "emotional" sense.


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