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-   -   Should I or should I not? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4591)

mark 01-01-2011 07:30 PM

Should I or should I not?

I am so glad to have found this forum, because I have some serious questions, that have been plaguing me in regards to a new relationship, that may or may not happen. I wish to apologize in advance when I come across as ignorant or unintelligent, because I freely admit I am ignorant of this situation, having never experienced anything like it before.

I am 30 years old, and in my life I have only been in monogamous relationships. Whenever I have been in love with someone, and they with me, I always knew that it was just with me.

Recently, in the last few weeks, I have met a fantastic girl. She is amazing, pretty, funny and intelligent. She is 25. We have so much in common, that I would mark her as perfect.

The only issue *I* have(And I emphasize that this is an issue I have based on my past experiences, and don't want to come across as disrespectful) is that she has told me that she is poly, and has been with another guy, who lives about 300 miles away, for about 3 years.

I have no range of experience for this, which is why I am here. I believe the crux of this is that I would really want a relationship with this girl, but I don't know if I could get past there being a third person. She has explained to me how she is capable of loving, truly, more than one person.

I do want to give it a go, but last night as I was holding her in bed, she gave me a look that I could see was she is falling for me, and I was so happy. But, then my joy turned to sadness, because I know that that look is not just for me.

I don't know if I can do it. And I would rather break it off now before we both get hurt.

Or should I risk it and try it?

Thanks in advance

NeonKaos 01-01-2011 07:39 PM

as long as it's ok with the other guy, i think it's worth a try. It's not ok if he thinks he's the only one, or if she's just using him as a back-up until she finds someone local. if you think she's being honest with herself and yourself and the other guy, then you should pursue it if you really think you care for this woman.

mark 01-01-2011 07:50 PM

He does know about it, and is fine with it. They have been in this situation for 3 years, so it's normal for them, which is fine.

The problem in this is me, and I suppose even my culture (I've moved here from Ireland, and honestly never been exposed to this at home)

I am wondering if I can get over the fact that for instance, when she gives me that look, that it's not just for me.

The other thing is, I don't want her to break up with the other guy, as I don't want him to be hurt. And I don't want to change her, because that'snot my game!

So you can see I am deep in a paradox!

NeonKaos 01-01-2011 07:56 PM

Then don't pursue it.

Strangers on the internet can't make the decision for you. You asked what we think you should do, and if it's not the answer you were looking for, then go with your own gut feeling.

mark 01-01-2011 08:07 PM

Thanks for that. It may be the best decision to not pursue it, because if at this stage, I have these doubts, would they ever change.

Again, thank you for your opinions.

NeonKaos 01-01-2011 08:15 PM

i don't think anyone here would advise people to "be polyamorous" against their own nature. polyamory is not a club that recruits members, nor is it some trendy fad that makes you "one of the cool kids". Speaking for myself, things would be a lot simpler if I were totally monogamous and heterosexual (actually, things ARE pretty simple because I'm NOT totally monogamous and heterosexual and I accept that)... Nothing good can come from pretending to be something you are not.

mark 01-01-2011 08:23 PM


Originally Posted by NeonKaos (Post 57653)
Nothing good can come from pretending to be something you are not.

Not only good advice for this situation, but for life. I guess it would be going against my nature, and it wouldn't, ultimately, make me happy.

nycindie 01-01-2011 08:41 PM

You are trying to make a decision based on a look she gave you? And why keep saying that look was not only for you? She looked at you that way, who else was in the room? It was for you. You do not how how she looks at the other guy, nor all the details of her relationship with him, so why try to compare what you have with her to that or anything else? It seems that you enjoy her company and feel good being with her -- until your mind starts fucking with you. The issue is not her practice of polyamory, it is dealing with your thought processes and responses to your conditioning about monogamy and all that you expect from a partner. To me, the question you should ask yourself is, "Is how I feel when I am with her worth challenging all the conditioning and ideas I have about what a relationship should be?" Maybe if you test the limits of your comfort zones, you will find that you are okay with much more flexibility in loving someone than you previously thought. It is possible that a relationship which is radically different from what you think it should be can hold gifts and teachings and value for you far beyond any expectations you might have, especially if you have a kind and loving connection to that person. You might learn something about yourself and about other people in the process, and learning is always good for us.

mark 01-01-2011 09:07 PM

I don't know why I keep comparing it to the other guy. Perhaps it is because i am in a situation that isn't in my comfort zone.

I do enjoy her company a lot; even if we are not doing much like we're playing video games or whatever. And think about her when she's not with me. Even now I am.

i do agree that learning is important, but I am struggling with the last 30 years of conditioning that I have had. I am so confused.

redpepper 01-02-2011 02:12 AM


Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 57662)
You are trying to make a decision based on a look she gave you? And why keep saying that look was not only for you? She looked at you that way, who else was in the room? It was for you.

I love this. To me love is seen in the eyes of anyone who is feeling it. I look like that when I see a beautiful flower and stop to admire it. I look like that when I watch my son play, when the sunset is gorgeous. No one owns that look and feeling but me. I show love and actively love many people..but they don't own that. They do things and are such a way that evokes that in me.

Love to me is infinite and ever expanding. I know it is hard to grasp for someone who has not experienced this before, I understand that, but see if you can't open your mind and think of her ability to love as an expanding thing, a chance of added abundance that is put out into the world rather than controlled and made scarce and for only you. There is nothing more incredible than experiencing a partner loving with all their might. It takes a total brain change to get there, but it is definitely worth it!

Take a look around this forum for threads that could help you understand. Do a tag search and look at the stickies... (scarcity, compersion, mono/poly, jealousy) this topic is not uncommon.... see what you come up with. :)

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