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-   -   How does marriage differ from a long term committed relationship. Opinions wanted. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4587)

Andy4700 01-01-2011 02:55 PM

How does marriage differ from a long term committed relationship. Opinions wanted.
 
Hey everyone. I am seeking some input this morning.

For those of you that don't know me, I am 26, married and seeking a woman for a V type situation. Its been hard as heck even meeting anyone.

I have had a couple slight possibilities derailed when the nature of my relationship with my wife has come up.

I've "advertised" as simply being in a happy, committed relationship, but since poly is built on honesty, I have always been truthful when asked more about my situation.

This at least twice has collapsed everything. :/ Its got me kinda bummed today as I was chatting with someone yesterday and we were seeming like we had great potential, until she found out I wasn't just "in love and living with another woman", but were married. She said shes not sure if she'd be okay with that.

Have some of you other married poly people had this happen? How do you handle it? Its hurting my wife because she feels like she is the one wrecking everything, when she's been incredibly supportive and would like to see something progress. She suggested we just hide the fact that we are married, but I just don't like to lie. But honestly, why is it such a big issue?

One thing to note here is that in both cases where I am sure its the reason nothing more happened, the girls were my age and never married. I get the impression maybe to them marriage is something different then it actually turns out to be. Like after you walk down the aisle, life becomes like a fairytale.

I have a feeling a woman in an open marriage would be more understanding, but I haven't met any yet.

If anyone has any input, i'd love to hear it.

-Andy

NeonKaos 01-01-2011 03:54 PM

i think that most women are in the "monogamous" or "primary" mindset and THEY want to be the wife. A lot women of that age are starting to think about finding someone to marry and buy a house and have kids with, so of course getting involved with a married man who has no intention of leaving his wife would be a big turn-off, I would have to imagine. You have to accept that your dating pool is going to be DRASTICALLY diminished than if you were single looking for a monogamous relationship with the possibility of marriage.

TL4everu2 01-01-2011 04:09 PM

These women are out there, and DO exist. HOWEVER...They are rare as hen's teeth. And never seem to develop into more than just sex partners. :( I would say that you keep telling women that you are married. This shows honest, and that you are proud and not afraid to show off your women or woman. Stand proud, and stand tall. If you form a relationship on a lie...Then it will always be just that....a lie. And she will wonder what else you are hiding from her.

GroundedSpirit 01-01-2011 04:45 PM

ok..........now
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by NeonKaos (Post 57631)
i think that most women are in the "monogamous" or "primary" mindset and THEY want to be the wife. A lot women of that age are starting to think about finding someone to marry and buy a house and have kids with, so of course getting involved with a married man who has no intention of leaving his wife would be a big turn-off, I would have to imagine. You have to accept that your dating pool is going to be DRASTICALLY diminished than if you were single looking for a monogamous relationship with the possibility of marriage.

Thanks Neon for your honesty & openness.
If I had said exactly the same thing I would have been flailed until dead :)

So the question becomes - how do you ladies that see the other viable options get the word out ?
Maybe by having some conversations with trusted GFs, by forwarding some of the informative media stuff thats appearing more & more ?

It may well be impossible to overcome society's stereotypes and mis-information campaign but unless someone with credibility to the target population at least TRIES, you can be sure it will remain the same.

Thanks again,

GS

NeonKaos 01-01-2011 05:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit (Post 57636)
Thanks Neon for your honesty & openness.
If I had said exactly the same thing I would have been flailed until dead :)

So the question becomes - how do you ladies that see the other viable options get the word out ?
Maybe by having some conversations with trusted GFs, by forwarding some of the informative media stuff thats appearing more & more ?

It may well be impossible to overcome society's stereotypes and mis-information campaign but unless someone with credibility to the target population at least TRIES, you can be sure it will remain the same.

Thanks again,

GS

GS, you tend to "get flailed until dead" not because of what you say, but because of the way you say things.

For example, expressions such as "you ladies" come across as uncouth and divisive. It's much less unflattering to say "the ladies in our midst" or "ladies of a like mindset" for what you are trying to communicate.

Of course, by now, most of us are used to you and have come to expect this sort of phrasing in your posts.

You're welcome,

NK

Andy4700 01-01-2011 08:18 PM

I agree with Neon.

I failed to note that the woman yesterday has a BF she says she loves and doesn't want anything more then a casual secondary. Same thing I want.

I would probably avoid a single, never married woman my age unless she really seemed like she could enjoy my companionship and still keep an eye peeled for Mr. Right, and if he came along drop things to a platonic friendship with me. This seems appealing to me, to have someone that loves you to fall back on, yet have the freedom to look for someone that can offer everything. Sadly, I don't think most people can function like that. :/

I don't agree with Olderwoman, except maybe in the case of a triad. I am just looking for something fun and with new energy and dynamics. I don't intend to try and be someones everything, so i don't really want a marriage of three, so to speak. My wife is the one I have chosen to to spend my life with, build a home with, and have children with if we decide to have them at some point. To me thats much different then adding someone to my life simply because I enjoy their company and just want to live in the moment a bit and let things sort of run thier course without a bunch of rules and stigma.

I know everyones idea of poly is different, but I think maybe some here can see where I am coming from.. I hope...?

-Andy

NeonKaos 01-01-2011 08:25 PM

Andy, I pretty much feel the same as you do, with a few minor differences. I have to step out right now but maybe I'll say more when I return.

BrigidsDaughter 01-01-2011 08:34 PM

I'm not sure how we get the word out, so to speak. I know that Wolf had one prospect last summer who wasn't bi and I was completely okay with that. I encouraged their friendship and assured her that it would be fine with me if something sexual developed between them (even if all she wanted was FWB) but two things happened 1) she couldn't get past the married thing 2) Wendigo's wife was hurt that Wolf had not talked to her about this first.... like I've said before, she's said before that she's incapable of loving anyone but Wendigo, but we have a sort of FWB relationship with her.... she was upset that between the 3 of us we weren't enough for Wolf. So Wolf decided to stop pursuing his prospect.

I think that some people have a hard time wrapping their mind around the concept that there doesn't have to be just one person to be "enough" for them, whether that's sexually, emotionally, or what not. We're conditioned to believe that you get married when you meet "the one" so why if you already have your "one" should another woman believe that she'll matter that significantly to you? Just my thoughts as I'm struggling with this myself. Wendigo and I see the inequalities in our quad, but feel powerless to do anything about it. We can't create more time or fix the complications that keep his wife from spending time with Wolf, we can't make her poly, but maybe in time she'll come to accept that Wolf needs some things that neither of us can provide for him. We're all committed to making this work, so one of the boundaries that the three of us placed on Wolf was that we needed to discuss potential partners with everyone and we all had to approve. I know that some people on this forum don't approve of a veto system, but we all have kids and have to be extra careful.

MindfulAgony 01-01-2011 08:37 PM

Andy, this seems to be a relatively common problem. You'll find that it is easier to find women who are willing to cheat with you than be open with you. But, you have to determine that your values are more important than convenience. If they are, my guess is that you will be rewarded with patience.

You just have to understand the odds are not running in your favor. And, just like anything else with poor odds, you need more "puts" or trys to find what you're looking for. So, as long as you understand that your failure rate will be high and that the more different attempts you make are critical to eventual success, then you'll be ok.

Alternatively, you can take it slowly and relax about the whole thing. Try to enjoy the connections you make - maintain your integrity -and recognize that they will more likely than not fail to advance very far. And, continue at a "put" rate that makes you comfortable. If you do this, you have to accept longer distances between finding a more satisfying or full relaitonship...

I tend to take the alternative relaxed view myself. But, I recognize that the former - more "puts" strategy - is filled with win. I just don't have the time and energy to put forth that kind of effort.

nycindie 01-02-2011 01:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Andy4700 (Post 57628)
. . . I was chatting with someone yesterday and we were seeming like we had great potential, until she found out I wasn't just "in love and living with another woman", but were married. She said shes not sure if she'd be okay with that.

Have some of you other married poly people had this happen? How do you handle it? Its hurting my wife because she feels like she is the one wrecking everything, when she's been incredibly supportive and would like to see something progress. She suggested we just hide the fact that we are married, but I just don't like to lie. But honestly, why is it such a big issue?

It goes against the grain of what we are taught in Western society. I am very nervous about meeting the wife of a man with whom I've been chatting online. It's simply out of my realm of experience. It's out of the realm of experience for most people, I would say, to have "permission" from a spouse to date their mate. The marriage license, a legal document, confers a certain amount of authority to your wife. That's intimidating to someone else. Whereas, a girlfriend can feel like there's more possibility of being an "equal" with other lovers of yours, if you were involved only with someone to whom you weren't married.

I think, besides the online dating thing, you might find some success looking in venues or situations that attract "alternative lifestyles." Don't know what sort of communities you have around you, but often the free thinkers in other areas will be more likely to embrace free thinking on sex and relationships. I've heard it be suggested to look at groups or people involved in gaming, RenFaires, co-housing, BDSM, Burning Man, nudism, sci-fi, intentional communities, New Age and other "spiritual" philosophies, etc., in order to meet other poly-minded or poly-friendly people. Have you looked at a variety of Meetups (meetup.com) in your area, not just poly ones?

I think you have to be patient, too. Finding someone won't happen overnight. Of course, you know that.

Also, it sounds like all might not be lost with the woman who most recently expressed hesitation. She hasn't said she can't do it, has she? Maybe some more conversation with her is in order, and perhaps some interaction with your wife.


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