Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   Need advice (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=45857)

Greenjade 04-28-2013 03:11 PM

Need advice
So obviously open relationships are quite private. For me this means I only have my partner to talk to. So I've joined this forum for help and advice because I'm a little lost.

So basically my story is that my partner and I had discussed and agreed on an open relationship. So it started 6 mths ago with Mr going out with a lady he was kind of friends with. I'm quite nervous and struggled to get things rolling, final did 5 mths after he started and have had only one meet with another guy.

Through the duration of Mr meeting his friend I found my self becoming quite jealousy and started to really struggle with the whole situation. Always read his msg from her etc started to go a little crazy. Anyway one thing lead to another and he ended up falling in love with her. We said it would all be okay because she was leaving the country for a few yrs and it will all end.

So now she has left and Mr is broken and confused. He says he loves both of us and doesn't know what to do. They are still very much in contact. He is traveling with her further into the yr for a few weeks. After I found out that he had fallen in love with her we agreed that the sexual relationships had to end after this trip, but they could still remain friends, which he was okay with when we agreed to it. But things have changed since then and the friend is saying if it ends then it ends and she wants to move on with her life if she can't have him. So he doesn't know what option to choose, Me and our kids and never see her again. Or her and leave me and the kids. Obviously we would do what ever we could to keep it as happy and calm for our kids as possible.

So this is my story, a little ironic really. I had reservations about an open relationship because of this reason. One of us fallen in love with someone else.

He still loves me, but he has changed he is upset and very quite all day doesn't seem to want to be intimate with me, and as soon as she is available to talk online he chirps up and is a little happier. My heart is breaking, I'm hurting and angry. I cry a lot. We've agreed to keep things the way they were between us, but it is so hard, he is hurting and missing her and doesn't seem to want to connect with me anymore. I'm so scared to say anything because if I upset him or make him hurt more, I'll just be pushing him away from choosing me and into the arms of her. This sucks and I blame myself for being so stupid and not putting my foot down and saying enough is enough when I first found out he was in love with her.

What can I do I'm so sad?

Emm 04-28-2013 03:41 PM

I realise that the horse has bolted now, but when you agreed upon an open relationship did you explicitly agree that it was to be physical only? Do you now believe your husband to be polyamorous rather than a swinger?

Edit: For clarity, I'm using "swinger" here to mean someone who is non-monogamous in their sexual relationships and who has no desire for or expectation of emotional involvement.

Greenjade 04-28-2013 05:55 PM

It was just meant to be sex, no emotional baggage.

AnnabelMore 04-28-2013 05:59 PM

Why is it a problem for you for your husband to be in love with someone else as well as you? Why do you feel you have to make him choose? Do you perceive that his love for her has been lessening his love for you, or is it instead that it's being forced into this choice that is making him draw away from you?

And, I'm sorry, but, for the record, you do realize that you're at "polyamory.com", which translates to "manyloves.com"?

AnnabelMore 04-28-2013 06:15 PM

"So obviously open relationships are quite private." <-- My parents know about all my partners, as do all of my friends, and a few of my co-workers. Same for them -- their parents friends, and some associates know. I'm in love multiple times over and that's ok... it's amazing, actually. I'm less private than some poly people, but just as or even less private than some others.

I don't say any of this stuff to say "you're in the wrong place, get out of here, we won't help you" at all. I hope that you will find help and support here. I point this stuff out just to make sure that you're aware that you seem to be coming from a very different place than most of the people here may be coming from. Perhaps the responses you get will make more sense with that context.

Greenjade 04-28-2013 06:47 PM

Yeah sorry, I realised I posted this in the wrong forum after I posted it :( I did a search for open relationship forums and this was the first that came up. After i posted my thread I started reading some of the other threads and I realised I had made a mistake.

Sorry will delete my thread

AnnabelMore 04-28-2013 06:59 PM

Why delete the thread? I meant all of this: "I don't say any of this stuff to say "you're in the wrong place, get out of here, we won't help you" at all. I hope that you will find help and support here."

Honestly, I don't know of a better forum than this for your questions (though there may be one?), like I said I was just trying to explain the difference in perspective you're likely to encounter.

And I'll admit, I'm still very curious as to the answers to my questions.

Vixtoria 04-28-2013 07:12 PM

For the record, I do understand what you mean about being private. While many people are more out, I am as well, others aren't. DH and BF are both not out to most of their lives. For reasons that range from work reasons to just not being the type to share their private lives. It does make it difficult sometimes and DH is on this forum for that very reason! So you are in a good place.

You will find if you do a lot of reading or look around that you are not the first with this problem! Not to say it's not a big deal, just that you aren't alone! People have come here saying that they started out swinging or just open and then emotions got involved. It's a very different thing when you get emotions involved, but having emotions involved does NOT mean it has to be an either or situation!

He loves you, he loves her. This wasn't what you were expecting, not what you wanted, but like life often does, it's what you now have. So here's some questions to ask yourself:

Is it possible to continue your relationship with your husband if he loves another AS WELL AS you?

Would a long distance relationship between him and her be possible without damaging your relationship with him?

What is it you two feel you can compromise on?

What is it he and she could compromise on?

Basically, this is workable! If you want to do the work. Now, maybe you don't. Maybe poly is just not what either of you want, that's fine too. Then there are other decisions to think about. However, I just want you to know that this does not HAVE TO be a situation where he needs to choose between you two. With compromise and work it's not a definite end to your marriage.

GalaGirl 04-28-2013 11:57 PM

So he has to choose at her behest? Either her or you? And you are hurting because it was supposed to be swinging only and not love and don't like seeing how torn he is over this request?

Well, could accept it became love. Could also be glad your spouse's feelings for you too must run very deep for him to be this upset over it. Feelings cannot be controlled at will. But behavior can be controlled. So if participating in swinging led to this -- could not engage in swinging anymore in future. If he stays with you, are you going to renegotiate your marriage boundaries to take swinging OFF the table?

You both are going through the stages of grief. Maybe skipped "shock and denial" stage since you both knew it was an Open thing and knew the risk of swing turning to something else. But there's still the rest to get through.

Thing is, you are mourning different things.

You are mourning swing turning to love and perhaps scared/jealous stuff clouding the view. Perhaps fearing he will not choose you.

He is mourning the end of a polyship and having to choose.


Could tell spouse you see he hurts terribly. Could tell spouse you know it is hard and are sorry he hurts. Maybe show him the stages of grief article and ask if he needs to see a counselor and (assuming you are willing to keep on tending to him as the wife) arrange an appt for him if he cannot manage to do it for himself.

(Could arrange one for yourself.)

Could tell spouse you want to be with him. This is your willingness.

Could tell your spouse you know that for the marriage to exist BOTH partners must be willing.

Could tell spouse you will expect him to tell you where his willingness lies -- with you or with her. And that you will accept the answer he gives and even if his willingness lies with her, you will try to make it smooth for the kids and yourselves with a smooth split/divorce. But in the meanwhile, you are willing to try to keep your shared home life as normal as possible to give him that peace/space.

Then could wait.

You can do no more than give him respect, dignity and space while he sorts himself out if you want to be with him. If you don't want to be with him any more that's another set of options but it sounds like you do want to be with him.

You may want reassure from him, want comfort from him -- want lots of things in your own grief process. But at this time he may not have it to give because he's so run down to empty himself. So again I encourage you to lean on someone else you can talk to -- a friend, a relative, a counselor for the meanwhile.

Ask him out on a date -- spend time together if this is what you want.

Could not sweat his emotional process. Or if it does become unbearable for you to witness and he's treating you badly/neglecting you? Ask him to move out. Or you move out. Then he can feel what he would be missing at home and you set a deadline for him making a final call how it is to be.

Kinda have to know if you are willing to take the "let him arrive when he arrives" approach or "I need to know by X so I can plan out my own life here" approach. You guys are there living it -- could talk about what approach this is here.

Neither of you can live in limbo forever. In that sense the other lady has it more together with what she wants/needs/ and where her limits/boundaries are. You could have your own wants, needs, and personal limitations/boundaries articulated clearly here. So could your spouse with his.

When people have those laid out clearly, it makes hard calls easy to make -- you just look at what lines up and what doesn't. It might still FEEL just as hard to do, but the actual doing is a lot more clear -- that lines up, that does not. There. Sorted. Done. Best decision for the situation is ____ then. YKWIM?

Hang in there,

BoringGuy 04-29-2013 12:23 AM


Originally Posted by Greenjade (Post 200456)
Yeah sorry, I realised I posted this in the wrong forum after I posted it :( I did a search for open relationship forums and this was the first that came up. After i posted my thread I started reading some of the other threads and I realised I had made a mistake.

Sorry will delete my thread

Actually this is the "right" forum because your HUSBAND is in love with two people. That is a fact whether you like it or not. So, it would be BETTER for you to hang around and LISTEN to what the people here have to say. I won't try to say too much in this thread for reasons which make sense to me and maybe a few other people who know what I'm talking about. But i will warn you, people will probably say things you are not prepared to like, so if what you really want is to feel the warm fuzzies of being agreed with, sympathized with, and validated, then this may not be the place for you after all.

All times are GMT. The time now is 10:31 AM.