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-   -   Is there a name for this arrangement? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4576)

FlashyAshley 12-30-2010 10:35 PM

Is there a name for this arrangement?
 
Hi, I am new to this whole thing, and the arrangement that my hubby and I have come to does not seem to fit in the bounds of polyamory. I'm curious if it is common, and if there is a name for it.

I have a much higher sex drive than hubby. He is ok with maybe twice a year. Me, more like twice a day if I could get it, lol. After 11 years of marriage spent ignoring my own needs, I told him I wanted a divorce. I did not want to have an affair, but I did not want to be near-celibate at age 33 either. We separated very briefly, and ended up getting back together. The rest of the marriage is great, except this one issue, and I could not see starting over with everything I have invested in my marriage.

Soon after reconciling, we had a long, serious talk about sex, needs and being fulfilled. I mentioned a couple I know who have an arrangement. The woman has the higher drive in that couple as well. She is allowed to go and be with other men, with certain ground rules (protection, no one they know as a couple, discrete, etc.). But the kicker is that the husband does not want to know about it. Not at all. No permission, no details, nothing. It is more like, "honey, I'm going shopping" and she goes and meets her boyfriend. They have a very strict don't ask, don't tell policy on it. Hubby was agreeable to this and maintains that "what I don't know won't hurt me". Of course, deep down he knows that I am having sex with other men, but I guess since it is not shoved in his face he just chooses not to think about it. He assurred me that it is not an issue for him as long as he doesn't find out any details.

Is this common? Is there a name for it? Anyone forsee any pitfalls with this relationship? Thanks!

NeonKaos 12-30-2010 10:43 PM

The name for what you described is "open relationship with DADT".

BFTrick 12-31-2010 12:18 AM

I have had similar agreements with previous girlfriends. I don't need that much sex and I have no problem letting them get their needs fulfilled elsewhere.

Although in my case I wanted to know the details and none of the girls ever took my offer.

It sounds good, let me know how it works.

FlashyAshley 12-31-2010 12:39 AM

Yay, there is a name for it, lol. I figured it was not an unheard of relationship. We are new to this so still learning. So far it has been easy to manage "dates" because hubby has been out of town, but will be back this weekend. We will see how it goes when I am coming up with excuses to be away (hopefully not lame ones). Obviously the marriage is priority so I am not going to be "away" every night or anything crazy, but right now I am still meeting and getting to know a couple potential guys (and one girl, lol), so this stage is a little more time consuming.

I appreciate the input and will be glad to keep y'all posted :)

redpepper 12-31-2010 09:33 AM

Some people struggle with DADT eventually as sometimes love happens and change comes with it. I know I have changed immensely since being with Mono. There is no hiding it. I am a different women, yet the same... this happens with most loves I think. As long as your man is ready for that possibility then I would think you are good to go.

The other thing that seems to happen sometimes is that the connection is lost between a couple that has a DADT. If you can find a way that keeps you connected then you should be good. It sounds like sex isn't it, but maybe there is something else? Otherwise it can become really hard to have the desire to stay and not leave for a lover who can offer everything in your marriage and sex.

Magdlyn 12-31-2010 01:47 PM

Good for you for getting your needs met! Some people say sex isn't a need the way water, food, and shelter is, but I think, for people with strong sex drives, it is. If we go without for too long, we can get frustrated, stressed-out, bitter and short tempered. I hope your marriage benefits from this new arrangement. Good luck with dating, it's a jungle out there.

nycindie 12-31-2010 02:39 PM

I think your arrangement is great. The only pitfall I see, since he doesn't want to know anything, is how to contain yourself if you become enamored with someone or are having such great sex that it distracts you and he can't help but notice. When I'm having good sex, sometimes I wonder if I'm floating off the ground, I get giddy and can't think of much else. So, just keep in mind that hubby will really need your attention when you are with him. It would be different if he wanted to know details, then you could just tell him about it. But I think it's great that you two could agree on something that meets both your needs.

BrigidsDaughter 12-31-2010 03:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Magdlyn (Post 57570)
Good for you for getting your needs met! Some people say sex isn't a need the way water, food, and shelter is, but I think, for people with strong sex drives, it is. If we go without for too long, we can get frustrated, stressed-out, bitter and short tempered. I hope your marriage benefits from this new arrangement. Good luck with dating, it's a jungle out there.


I am one of those people you described, Magdlyn and its good to know I'm not alone. I'm one of those people where anything less than 3 days a week leaves me feeling like I'm just barely functioning. I'd have sex everyday if i could, but with opposite work schedules and a 9 year old its tough, the best I can hope for is five days a week between my two men. Wolf's drive shifts from sex to cuddles when he's stressed out, which has been alot lately (he works retail and has been in holiday hell) which means I've been stressed, frustrated, short tempered, and feeling less than human for a few weeks now. Wendigo coming over once a week has helped a little, but those nights we've barely had time for teasing or a quick kiss goodnight. Thankfully my husband finally gets that its a real need for me and has taken pity on me a couple times inspite of not being in the mood himself.

AutumnalTone 01-02-2011 03:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dugout (Post 57553)
The name you are looking for is Open Marriage. Been there done that. It takes a lot of doing. You might look at ... and go right to Wife Stories. It's enlightening about poly relationships.

If it's a site dedicated to open relationships, then there's unlikely to be much about poly relationships. Open /= poly. There are many poly folk who don't have open relationships (though there are many who do).

Also, you've one post and it's promoting a non-poly web site. I'm going to remove the post from view until I can confirm that you're here to participate and not here to market the site.

AutumnalTone 01-02-2011 04:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Magdlyn (Post 57570)
...frustrated, stressed-out, bitter and short tempered.

You rang?


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