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-   -   Strange, strange situation: Need advice (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=45744)

onewayward 04-27-2013 12:34 PM

Strange, strange situation: Need advice
My hubby and I (55/48) have had a wonderful marriage. Till about 10 years ago we were into the swinging lifestyle. For him, I was centric (heíd have been quite happy remaining monogamous). When we had another woman/women playing with us, it was invariably when other men were around.

Our swinging more or less ended when I fell in love with a guy who had moved into our neighbourhood. He was married and cheating. I was not cheating. Anyway, to cut a long story short, though both hubby and I were burdened with this huge guilt that my lover was cheating on his wife, this intense relationship carried on for a long time. When it ended, all three of us were shattered (hubby and my lover got along hugely).

I have a stepson from my hubbyís earlier marriage. Heís 26. I have a daughter from my hubby. Sheís 19. Both have moved out. My daughterís up north now, but visits us over the odd weekend.

She has a casual thing going with this boy who visits us when sheís down. Heís around or little older than my stepson. Itís not serious, as in, both are clear that itís headed nowhere.

Now the problem!

Something in me is telling me that I am falling for this guy. And, perhaps, I havenít been able to really hide that from him either (so hubby tells me), because he has started responding somewhat. Like, heís started dropping by even when my daughter hasnít come down to spend the weekend/holidays with us. And heís been calling me often with some excuse or the other (must confess, Iíve called him a few times as well).

Just canít figure how to handle this. But donít want to let go either.


opalescent 04-27-2013 01:48 PM

You're interested in your daughter's casual friend with benefits?

Let it go. Like right now.

There is no way for this to develop right now that does not hurt your daughter. None. Even if he is interested - which is possible - the possible damage to your relationship with your daughter makes this a no-go. It doesn't matter how casual a relationship it is.

Unless you are close enough to your daughter to say, I am attracted to your casual FWB, he seems interested in me, your father and I have an open relationship and he is ok with this. I would like to date so and so. Is that ok with you?

(As an aside, is your husband ok with this? He's not worried about your daughter?)

I don't know many parent-child relationships close enough and mature enough to handle this without massive stress and damage. And your daughter is only 19 - an adult but a brand spanking new one. Don't put this stress on her. It's not right.

MAYBE if they stop seeing each other, and a few years go by... Then you can revisit this crush. But this is not worth potentially seriously damaging your relationship with your daughter.

nycindie 04-27-2013 01:58 PM

You're not falling for him. You are simply flattered that this young guy has a crush on his gf's mom. He's entertaining a MILF fantasy but he'll get over it. Believe me, it will pass like all crushes do -- it's your responsibility to live in reality! WAKE UP. DON'T GO THERE. This is not some Masterpiece Theater drama with lords and ladies screwing everybody in the back halls of some fictitious castle - this is real life and you don't want to fuck a guy who has had his dick in your own daughter! That is just all kinds of wrong.

BoringGuy 04-27-2013 02:22 PM


Originally Posted by nycindie
you don't want to fuck a guy who has had his dick in your own daughter! That is just all kinds of wrong.


Keep repeating this out loud until you are just as grossed out by it as we are.

And for god's sake, throw away that "the graduate" dvd and think about how you would like it if your boyfriend tried to fuck your mother.

Dagferi 04-27-2013 03:53 PM

Wow why would you EVER EVEN THINK of stabbing your daughter in the back.

BoringGuy 04-27-2013 04:05 PM

what if your husband wanted to fuck your son's girlfriend?

Magdlyn 04-27-2013 04:16 PM


Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 200122)
You're not falling for him.

How do you know that?


You are simply flattered that this young guy has a crush on his gf's mom.
Are you a mind reader?


He's entertaining a MILF fantasy but he'll get over it.
Not all women of a certain age are going to attract this man. Perhaps, just perhaps, he really likes and is attracted to this specific woman.


Believe me, it will pass like all crushes do...
Hmmm, don't be so sure. I've had unrequited attractions last for years. Even a decade or more.

I just think you overstated your case a bit, Cindie.

OK, all that said, I've had passing crushes on 2 of my daughters' partners... it's something they don't tell you about in parenting school, how one can get stirred up a bit by your teenagers' bfs or gfs. TABOO!!

I did fight the crushes and they did pass once I got to know these partners a bit better. I do think this OP's loyalty to her daughter should trump her affection and attraction to this young man, no matter how cute and nice he is!

As I said recently, when you're going for polyamory, don't think with your dick/clit. You're not just fucking around, you're taking on another person's soul, past, issues, all that. In this case, you've got your own daughter's psyche to consider as well!

BoringGuy 04-27-2013 04:30 PM

Mags, tell the OP a happy story about how there are plenty of hot young guys out there who like to spend sexy-time with hot older women, and how to find them.

FullofLove1052 04-27-2013 04:51 PM

I would say try to let it go. This presumably attractive guy might legitimately be into you, but he has bee involved with your. That alone is enough reason to shy away from it.

I do believe pursuing it could potentially hurt your relationship with your daughter. What if this guy just cuts her off with no warning and picks up with you? People always say, "The golden rule of FWB is no feelings," but sometimes feelings just happen.

I agree with Mags. You can probably successfully work through it. I have no experience with this type of thing. I do know sharing a guy with my sister was off-limits. I would have never dated one of her ex boyfriends. So my mum? That would have been a resounding no for me as well.

I hope you work it out, though.

nancyfore 04-27-2013 04:56 PM

Don't do anything. Don't act on anything.. Let it go and let it pass...

Doing anything with this young man will hurt your relationship with your daughter. It will be irreparable or at the least take many years to repair and it won't have been worth it.

How awkward would it be to continue with this guy and then have a huge fight happen between the daughter and the boy and then have to have Thanksgiving dinner sitting around with everyone not speaking and looking a the floor in discomfort. The fact that the relationship between your daughter and this boy isn't going anywhere is not a factor here. Don't let that sit in your mind like it validates the possibility of you having a relationship with him

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