Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   So NEW and need advice! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4574)

UntamedHottie 12-30-2010 10:01 PM

So NEW and need advice!
Hello....I am so new to this and have no idea how to use this site....

I met a guy who is polyamorous...I'm not. But the thing is, I knew he was married and I was ok with this. But after not quite a month of seeing each other and falling head over heels for this man, he tells me he loves me, I admit I cried. Love doesnt come easy for me, hard for me to say, but later that night I told him I love him...which is the truth. He then tells me after that, that he has another female he goes and sees.....that Im not so comfortable with that and I really don't know how many he is seeing. I can handle him being married but seeing others??? Can anyone give me advice how to handle this type of situation...I have never been in anything like this before....the only thing closest was seeing a married man for nearly 10 years but discrete.....any info would be great....I LOVE THIS MAN!!!

UntamedHottie 12-31-2010 12:33 AM

He did not inform me in the beginning that he was polyamorous, he told me he was in an OPEN relationship with his wife...then he tells me AFTER I told him I was in love with him that he has girlfriends too and wants me to be one...forgot to mention that in the previous thread. But now I am crazy about him I just dont know how to react or act or whatever....do I just SUCK IT UP and let it be???

Somegeezer 12-31-2010 02:00 AM

Well you went into this relationship already knowing he was married. Does his wife know? Have you met her? Has she met any of his other girls? I think if he is genuinely poly, then there's no reason you shouldn't pursue it. You say you love him. If he's just cheating on his wife... Fuck that... In as polite words as I can manage. =P

UntamedHottie 12-31-2010 02:58 AM

his wife does know and I have spoken to her...havent met her in person yet, that is happening on Monday. I have no idea if he brought anyone home or if wife met them. I just dont know how to handle the situation....I really dont want to know when he is with others, I would really hate it if he was in the city and not see me. How do I cope with that? I have always been a one person girl...whatever that word is....too confused to even think.

Somegeezer 12-31-2010 03:14 AM

I've always been in mono relationships myself. I doubt he'd come into town and not at least come say hi to you. How would that show how much you mean to him? =P You're just being paranoid. Nothing wrong with that, but just don't act on your paranoia, because you'll almost always make a mistake. Always communicate openly and make sure you know what level each other is at. Make sure you're both doing what it takes to keep each other happy.

UntamedHottie 12-31-2010 03:31 AM

He already told me that he would NOT see me each time he is in town as he has to keep others happy. I pretty much only get to see him is when we have to work....which is NOT often. And not enough for me to keep me happy. In the beginning it was constant every other day...now I havent seen him in a week....his other girlfriend comes back after the new year so I will see him less....so how am I gonna handle that? Going from seeing him every other day to once in a while?

redpepper 12-31-2010 09:26 AM

I am in a similar situation to your love. I am married and have a boyfriend. With much negotiation we have agreed that I will not be with other men sexually. It took a lot of talking and a lot of rearranging our lives, but it works for us and I am happy.

There is no reason why you have to suck it up and pretend that you are okay and will be happy. I would think that will eventually eat your heart out and make you miserable. If this man has decided he loves you then I think I would ask him to establish with you what the boundaries to your relationship would be. That is totally reasonable. It sounds like you require that he contact you when he is in the city and that he see you. It also sounds like he needs to start being honest about who he is seeing. Perhaps you could even request that he stop adding lovers to his life as he is getting short of time enough to establish and maintain fulfilling and connected relationships. There might be more you would ask of him that you would add.

People who love each other show it by doing their best to help those they love get their needs met. This relationship is not an affair like the one you had for 10 years. This one is structured so that you can enjoy some time with this man and legitimately ask for some of your needs to be met. It doesn't sound like he is willing and able to meet all of them so you will have to decide if it is worth working on... starting with communicating about some stuff seems like a great place to start and see if you and he are up to it. Meeting his wife is a really good first step also. :)

Somegeezer 12-31-2010 01:45 PM

+1 to everything redpepper said. Very wise words. =]

UntamedHottie 12-31-2010 04:33 PM

Thanks Redpepper....I will ask him more questions but I think all my questions are starting to frustrate him. We did speak a little last night and he mostly treated it like nothing was wrong. I got frustrated and logged off as he was only replying every 10 or 15 mins. He is on his way into the city tonight as we both are working the New Years eve party. So it will be better to talk in person. His wife helped alot too, hell maybe I will start a relationship with her LOL!!! I would love to tell him I dont want him seeing others sexually, but cant do that. But I will ask what the boundaries are. I really dont want to know when he is seeing his other girl(s) I think that will put me over the edge. I have asked that he not add anymore but never really got a response out of it. So I know there is one other girl definately but I dont know how many others. Apparently this other girl is someone that we both work with. So how will he divide his time once this other person comes back? Like say, when we work I have been leaving with him and spending little amount of time with him before he drives home. Now that this other girl is coming back who will he choose? This is where I think I will be on the backburner cuz I was last to be added into his life and that is not cool with me. ~shrugs~

redpepper 12-31-2010 07:24 PM

well, as long as you are okay with what he wants and can live with it, then there is no harm. I would wonder if you want more though and that is totally okay. Asking for more might mean you lose him, but you can go slow with that and pace your questions. It's okay to ask them and then just say you are willing to wait for a response for a few days. This to me is what communication is about.

If a guy is not willing to answer or is frustrated and blows me off for asking questions when I am not comfortable then they are not worth it I think. Personally I am not interested in men that don't respect communication, my emotions and concerns for my own life. I give them the respect they ask for so I expect the same in return... its give and take.

To me its self respect to make sure I am okay with my world. Poly is what we make it and is our own relationship with ourselves as much as it is with other people. If someone doesn't fit my description of a responsible ethical poly relationship then I don't date them. Maybe deciding what you think an ethically responsible relationship is would help so that you have a foundation of your own to start from. Doing some reading here might help with that. Try doing a tag search for boundaries, rules, foundations... look at the stickies and see if you can find something that would help... the thread on "poly lessons learned" for instance.

All times are GMT. The time now is 08:53 AM.