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-   -   Don't even know where to start... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4572)

PolyButNot 12-30-2010 07:14 PM

Don't even know where to start...
Forewarning the read that this post is likely to be fairly rambling and make end up not making a bit of sense.

Anyway. I'm nearly 40, married, and male. I've been married for 16 years, and we have no children (by choice). For most of this time, we've been fairly isolated. We were morbidly obese and just weren't comfortable being out in public and such. But now we're normal weights so we're a lot more comfortable.

We've been monogamous all these years. Sexually adventurous, but mono. So this summer we were talking about things that might excite us, "spice it up" as they say (but we both hate that cliche). I mentioned maybe involving other people might be fun.

That's where things started to go pear-shaped. I was thinking "fun, casual stuff. Threesomes, foursomes, etc." She was thinking polyamory.

So, we both read Ethical Slut, and I understand that love is not a limited resource, etc, etc. But time is, as is money, and as is my brain capacity to keep track of other relationships and all the things around them... So, for me, I'm NOT polyamorous. She is, and I accept that. But now the problem is how to move forward.

What happens when she wants to spend a night with someone? Note, there's no someone now, and she even says maybe there never will be, but my brain doesn't like maybes and such. What happens when it goes further and she wants to spend a weekend, a week, or longer, with someone else? Again she says those will probably never happen but they DO HAPPEN in the context of poly relationships. Scary to me.

So, basically, I brought up what I thought would be fun and casual (basically, swinging/threesomes/foursomes/etc), she took it as an opening to something deeper (polyamory). And now we have to move forward.

During the summer, she was interested in someone else, but he ended up triggering some really bad things for her so that ended, but during it, I, to put it mildly, was not handling things well. I hurt her (NOT physically) and she hurt me (again not physically), and things are still just kind of weird.

I don't want to lose 16 years of fun, happiness, and closeness. I want this to work. I'm just not sure if it can, and it's sort of killing me.

Breathesgirl 12-30-2010 08:15 PM

Hello and welcome.

Do a tag search for anything in particular you are interested in.

Here's a link to get you started: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1830

nycindie 12-30-2010 08:44 PM

I think it would behoove you both to move slowly, and to discuss exactly what you'd be comfortable with. I keep reading time and time again on these boards that things should go as slowly as the least comfortable person needs it to be. So, in my opinion, it might not be best for you guys to start off with your wife having overnights or weekends away -- you don't even need to think that far in advance! See how you feel when she goes out with someone on a coffee date, or when she kisses someone else. Let those feelings sink in and then share them with her, or find a way to deal with them. You likely would benefit from having some agreement in place on how far things can go before moving to the next step. And yes, browse through these forums, especially in the New to Polyamory section - a wealth of information!

Magdlyn 12-31-2010 08:15 PM

Congrats in the weight loss!

I'm sorry you and your wife arent on the same page. Culturally, maybe biologically, men are more able to have sex without love (swinging) and women need love to want sex (polyamory).

However, some swingers find they fall in love with their play-partners. Then what? :p

I agree, overnights or weekends or vacations away with an OSO usually don't happen right away. My ex and I, and now my current gf and I have had to work out boundaries around that, as far as money spent, how much we communicate while the other is away, etc.

Try this site for more info on opening mono relationships to being poly. Most of the work is on open communication and self knowledge leading to boundaries you are both comfortable with.


sage 01-01-2011 01:54 AM

There's a healthy and strong subset of polyamory called poly/mono: we acknowledge, love and respect our poly partners but don't generally become involved with other relationships ourselves. There are a few of us on this forum and more on the poly/mono group at yahoo groups. It sounds like at least for now this is where you fit. Things may change and you may find yourself opening up to being poly yourself but it sounds as if the feelings you are experiencing are the ones that monos go through in poly relationships.

Not everyone can come to terms with it but a lot can and do and enjoy really successful relationships.

eklctc 01-08-2011 05:46 AM

It can work but everyone has to have a clear understanding of how they want it to work, their boundaries and comfort zones, and most importantly, the relationship must be secure and thoroughly communicative. It definitely can be scary terrain in the beginning. This is a great forum to explore, gain feedback, and share your journey. I hope everything goes well for you.

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