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-   -   Overwhelmed and new to all of this (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=45715)

Jax 04-26-2013 08:57 PM

Overwhelmed and new to all of this

Where to start? My name is Jackie but I prefer friends to call me Jax. I am married and have been with my husband for almost 10 years. We have just opened our relationship up to allow for more people to be included in our lives, romantically.

I have always sort of believe in the multiple person relationship, whether is just be for sex or for multiple emotional attachments. for a very long time it caused a huge issue within my marriage, because I felt like I was being caged. My husband wanted monogamy and when we would fight I would get so mad at him I would threaten to cheat or use some sort of emotional manipulation on him(so horrible). But always I would sort of calm down and say "ha ha just kidding, I really only want you. I'm just being weird because I prefer independence." For the longest time I felt guilty that I wanted more relationships, I felt guilty for not needing only him, for not becoming jealous if girls flirted with him, for not being a normal wife who nags about girlfriends. and I would always sort of blow up and then retreat. I had a severe fear that I would hurt him and I love him deeply.

So recently(about 5 months ago) I developed a crush on a friend. And I usually sort of do this where I find people to be awesome and want to spend time with them, but this crush was more. I found myself wanting to talk to him every day and wanting to sort of fit into my life. We sort of had a moment where we joked around about something happening(just feeling the water) and we both realised we were in the same boat. He is in a committed partnership(they got married in march after a hundred some years together) and he has been sort of toying with the idea of wanting more relationships, but sort of afraid to ask for it. And we both decided that if we were to pursue anything more than friendship, we had to tell our partners right away. So we did and I spent two very long weeks fighting, talking and really resolving issues with my husband. And becoming a lot less stressed and the feelings of being caged were actually lifting.

Now I have my husband. And my friend. and his wife. and we are trying to learn how to deal with this together, but remain separate. We are talking and reading and doing what we can to process our feelings. And I'm finding my emotional attachment to him to be a bit hard. I haven't done this in years and have sort of never thought i could, i put this idea into a small little box. and I have no clue where I am in the process. other then I find myself still madly in love with my husband and now falling in love with this new man.

I have no friends I can talk to about it, because we feel we would be alienated if outed. My husband doesn't want an extra "friends" at this moment. My husband is finding out he is having jealousy issues about my friend and I having sex, so we have been told to stop. We are respecting every one's boundaries. And I just needed to put it into the universe.

Anyhow, hello people. I'm suffering from anxiety and completely overwhelmed. and just so new to all of this. And somewhat confused at times, but then not. Is that normal? lol.

kdt26417 04-26-2013 09:13 PM

Hello Jax,
Welcome to our forum.

I think you can expect some rough waters at the beginning of any poly relationship, so I'm not surprised that things are a little rough right now. You have to get it worked out with your husband what he can and can't live with, and what you can and can't live with as well. Sometimes people change, so give this a little time and a lot of communication.

I would encourage you to look around on our site, see what threads call to you, and post any thoughts or questions you may have. You never know when someone may have some insight on your situation that will help.

Glad you could join us,
Kevin T.

nancyfore 04-27-2013 06:36 AM

Hi Jax,

Welcome... You are completely normal.. Just take things slow, continue to reassure your hubby that you love him and talk, talk, talk, talk...and Read, read, read.. You will find this site very informative.

Good luck!!


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