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-   -   Boyfriend's Crush (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=45682)

Muri91 04-26-2013 09:34 AM

Boyfriend's Crush
Hi all, this is my first post here.

My boyfriend, E recently developed his first crush on someone other than me. :) I was totally intimidated for a week, did the (hypocritical) LET'S JUST BE MONOGAMOUS THAT WILL FIX OUR PROBLEMS thing, and then bit the bullet and asked to speak to the crush, A. He was...extremely nice. I was totally honest with him, attempted to civilly share my worries and concerns. He was willing to back off a little, talk more, invited me to share anything worrisome that came up.

Well, it's been just a week, but the three of us have been talking like every spare moment when we don't have class. It's been kind of like a bonding retreat. I wouldn't say I have feelings for A right now, but I'm actually really fond of him. I do, however, have a lot of insecurity around A liking E more than A likes me, around E liking A more than E likes me, about generally being disliked.

I keep coming up with these worst case scenarios:

1. I fall madly in love with A but my boyfriend wants an exclusive thing with him and A has no interest so they shut me out.

2. I start really disliking A but my boyfriend wants to be involved and/or wants me to be involved and it's just a big mess.

3. One of us gets together with another one and then breaks up and everyone gets awkward.

The other people in this scenario weigh in:

Boyfriend: I think you're just too afraid of the future so you're running around trying to figure out everyone's intentions when we don't actually have any solid ones. We can talk about it.

A: I've kind of always wanted to have a four or three-person relationship, but I don't know. I like you both a lot and I think what we have right now is really cool.

I'm just scared, guys. I'm scared of my boyfriend having sex with someone else. I'm scared of not being included. I'm scared of being included and getting super triggered. :confused:

My boyfriend does not have any friends this in contact and this good, so I'm also kind of worried I'm inserting myself against his will and "poaching" his relationship (he says I am not). I don't want to ruin a really good thing for him.

leelee22 04-27-2013 01:25 AM

Muri, I liked how you described all three points of view in the situation. Sounds like you have a very finely-tuned sense of how other people think/feel, and maybe that is part of the problem... you know (or think you know) how boyfriend and A feel before they have really processed it themselves. You are getting ahead of them. And getting ahead of yourself.

Can you try just going with the flow for a little while? especially since A made such a favourable impression on you and seems willing to take things at a pace that is comfortable for you?

Maybe try to just relax and let life unfold a little... without worrying about it. It sounds like these two guys genuinely care about you. Maybe the healthiest thing for you is just to focus on that for now.

good luck to you!

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