Polyamory.com Forum

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Lioness 12-30-2010 05:25 AM


I am not very new to the idea of being Poly, but I am new to practicing it.

Very recently, my husband and I added a boyfriend... Husband is straight... VERY straight. I am pretty sure he thought we'd be adding a woman if we ever did this, and while he is completely wonderful, I know he is a little disappointed at our lack of a girlfriend.

So yeah... I'm here for 2 things- To have like-minded people to talk to about all this, and to possibly meet a woman we 3 can find acceptable (and who likes us too ^_~ of course). I'm realistic here, I know I might not find the latter.

My Unicorn would have a great sense of humor, be a gamer-girl (specifically D&D), straight or bi, be good to my boys, and a friend to me, and fall in love with BF, NOT Husband... Possibly then turn into a swing/poly relationship.

Honestly, I'm not sure how tall that order is. :confused: I am also okay with somebody who just wants to have fun if they are responsible.

I have been lucky in love as of late. Both Husband and BF were "found" while I wasn't seeking either. My boys are shy, so I figured I should be their wing-man. KWIM?

Somegeezer 12-30-2010 06:56 AM

Your husband has been supportive in you having a boyfriend and you're saying he isn't allowed another woman to love him? :rolleyes:

...Or are you saying you want a female to join a triad with you and your boyfriend, whilst your husband finds his own other women separate from you?

I'd say the second one certainly makes more sense and that maybe the way you worded it just confused me to think the first way... But I have read from a lot of people who actually believe in the first. To me, it isn't very poly at all. But everyone certainly has different levels to their own poly description.

Welcome to the site anyways.

Lioness 12-30-2010 09:00 AM

My husband and I are just starting out in the whole "Poly" thing. I have been told what we are doing is poly, but I'm not always 100% sure.

Here is how it works for us- we are married, and we are each others number one. I currently have a "boyfriend" I call him that because I have no other title for him. I am not IN LOVE with him. He is not in love with me. We have no misconceptions about our relationship. We are very good friends, and attracted to each other. Sex entered the relationship because the three of us are open-minded and enjoy sex.

I would like to (but I am not holding my breath) find a girlfriend for my boys. I don't want her to be in love with my Husband, that would get complicated. But she can be in love with Boyfriend- he is free for that sort of thing. The only commitment we ask of each other is full disclosure/warning because of STDs and all that.

I guess we are Mono in our romantic love, and Poly in our sexuality? The number one reason I am here is to figure this all out and talk to people like (or reasonably like) myself and husband. Secondary is meeting somebody for my boys.

I love/adore/admire easily in a non-romantic sense. I am severely loyal to and protective of both my boys. I am having a BLAST with the two of them, and would like them to experience some of my joy as well.

If I don't belong on this site then I apologize. Poly is just the name I was given to describe what we have.

Lioness 12-30-2010 09:39 AM

I know it's kind of lame to respond to my own response, but I had more thoughts I wanted to share. I am hoping that the tone of curiosity and being willing to learn is being conveyed- I know I don't know a whole lot about all this...

The problem I had with the title "Polyamory" was the "amory" portion of it. It's not that I don't care deeply for my boyfriend, (I wouldn't be where I am with him if I didn't) but I don't feel for him like I do my husband.

It is amazing to me the amount of clarity I have thanks to how happy I am with my husband. If I were single and met BF, I would likely get caught up in the hormones, try to pursue a romantic relationship, and convince myself it could work.

While happy with Hubby, I realize that it wouldn't work, and what I have here is an awesome friend who I am attracted to. I love him in the sense that I love, say, family. But not like one would a spouse.

If single, or unhappy, I would likely ruin one or both relationships. Being happy and married, and free to explore these attractions (within reason) I get to keep my friend, and explore the attraction. So far this has been very rewarding. The men are becoming pretty good friends.

BF came back from visiting family and told us how much he missed US and just being around us... He also admitted to wanting to fool around with me too, but he was just happy to be around us again. He feels accepted for the first time in forever.

I think part of the problem in my first post might have been the word "bi" - I should clarify, all 3 of us are straight. A bi addition would be fine, but I'm not looking for a woman's love for myself. I am looking for love for BF, and fun for Hubby, and a friend/teammate for myself. This person may very well be a unicorn for all I know... another reason to learn more :o

Ok, so I have rambled WAY too much. I hope I make more sense now.

SNeacail 12-30-2010 05:40 PM


Originally Posted by Lioness (Post 57450)
The problem I had with the title "Polyamory" was the "amory" portion of it. It's not that I don't care deeply for my boyfriend, (I wouldn't be where I am with him if I didn't) but I don't feel for him like I do my husband.

Not all love manifests itself the same way. Obviously you and your husband share something very special. To me when you say you don't love your boyfriend, it sounds like you are just using him for sex and there is nothing else there, which really doesn't sound like the case.


While happy with Hubby, I realize that it wouldn't work, and what I have here is an awesome friend who I am attracted to. I love him in the sense that I love, say, family.
It almosts sounds like you are trying to convince yourself that you don't love your b/f, even if it is on a different level than the love you feel for your husband.


But not like one would a spouse.
Not like one would love any spouse, or not like the love you feel for your spouse?

Using some of the popular term on this board, I would say you have healthy relationships with your husband as Primary and the b/f as a Secondary. You are looking for a Primary for the b/f and a Secondary for your husband (same women if your lucky).

Somegeezer 12-31-2010 02:15 AM

I agree with SNeacail. I think you do love him. You're just trying to convonce yourself you don't. Even if you really don't and it is just a sexual thing, you cannot put a limit on love when it comes to your husband and anyone else he may be with. Yes, the word polyamory means "many loves". If you're not in it for the love, I don't personally believe it is polyamory. Because that would mean nothing to the meaning of the word. Poly, yes. You have more than one relationship... But if you don't love him, it isn't an amorous relationship is it?
If you do love him and are just trying to convince yourself you don't... Then why? What is wrong with it? Nothing. Love him, cherish him and make the most of what you have with him. At the same time, let your husband practise his polyamory the way he wants to too. I understand you need rules for safe sex and such, but a rule to stop love is not healthy and will most likely backfire.

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