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-   -   Gentlemen, should I be concerned? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=45648)

Rix 04-25-2013 11:03 PM

Gentlemen, should I be concerned?
 
Long story short, my husband finally had intercourse with our new (and first) girlfriend, and now he seems to be having a bit of trouble getting as excited with me as he used to when it's just me and him. But he can get hard at just the sight of her. I am not too worried about my own satisfaction in this case, just worried about him because it seems to be upsetting him. He's always had a drive to match my own, and he assures me his attraction for me hasn't faded and that he's just excited about having a new partner. Does this happen sometimes with NRE?

kdt26417 04-25-2013 11:57 PM

I think NRE is the most likely explanation. Everyone is different, so what shakes things up for one guy might not affect another.

There are things you can do to compensate, include meds such as Viagara or Cialis. It is nothing to panic over, it is just a change of circumstances.

RunicWolf 04-26-2013 01:19 AM

As a male who this has happened to on occasion I can say it's nothing to worry about. Best way to describe, from my own experience, is that it's like his penis has a shiny new toy and wants to play with it, but after a few weeks or a month or so the feeling of newness fades and everything goes back to normal. If he is like me, he'll have more sex drive for both of you once things settle down.

I'd say give him some time and it should sort itself out.

Vixtoria 04-26-2013 03:12 AM

If you aren't concerned the just make sure he knows you are not worried. I had a bad experience with a woman who was NOT okay with her man having NRE and getting it up easier with me than with her. There was lots of catty behavior and hurtful underhanded things going on and I was left confused since I had no idea it was even an issue! He might be concerned about secret jealousies and issues arriving because of it.

I can understand even that there are times people's libido waxes and wanes and sometimes while it's waning with me, it might be waxing elsewhere! As long as it's not a purposeful ignore, it should be fine! I remember being horndogs in the beginning of our sexual relationship, I think that's natural for most people!

Rix 04-26-2013 07:49 AM

Thank you, everyone! I just wanted to see if this was a common enough thing. I really have no issues with it and he was only slightly upset because his body is not doing what he wants it to do when he wants. Our solution? Just have all three of us together as much as we're comfortable with. Simple, effective, and fun for all of us!

NutBusterX 04-26-2013 02:21 PM

Hi Rix,
I'm Jim. He may be struggling (unknowingly) with some backward feelings of guilt over having another partner. I'm not saying he feels that it's wrong, and from what you've written here it appears you are ok (supportive even) with the other partner. If previously he has always been mono, (or tried) and this is new to him, his body might be exhibiting symptoms brought on by his former taboos. Just a possibility and I wouldn't worry too much about it.

Best of wishes to all of you :)

AnnabelMore 04-26-2013 06:13 PM

Just wanted to say kudos on how you're handling things -- seems very mature, chill, and secure to me. Good stuff.

BoringGuy 04-26-2013 08:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rix (Post 199914)
Thank you, everyone! I just wanted to see if this was a common enough thing. I really have no issues with it and he was only slightly upset because his body is not doing what he wants it to do when he wants. Our solution? Just have all three of us together as much as we're comfortable with. Simple, effective, and fun for all of us!

Wait, so you're saying he doesn't get hard? I originally took "excited" to mean "interested" or "enthusiastic". You were using "excited" as a euphemism for getting an erection.

If he is actually INTERESTED and ENTHUSIASTIC (mentally) and WANTS to please you when it's just the two of you, why not just quit focusing on the almighty penis? There are plenty of other body parts you can do penetration with (well, 2 hands, 2 feet, 10 fingers...), if that's something you need in order to feel satisfied that you'd "had sex". You can also use toys, you can masturbate yourself to orgasm while he watches, you can do ANYTHING YOU WANT - it's YOUR sex.

It makes me really sad when people, men and women, equate "having sex" with erect penises. If you are thinking that, please try to use this as a learning experience to try new things you might be missing out on.

Rix 04-26-2013 09:16 PM

No, no, you misunderstand, I love the almighty penis, I really do, but I am well aware and well versed in other methods of pleasure. We partake of them all the time quite happily. I was only asking if this -"this" being his involuntary physical reactions to me as of late- was something that sometimes happens with NRE. To clarify, he used to get hard just seeing me naked. Now, that's not the case. He can look at me naked, hold me, and touch me without suddenly getting horny and have the crazy need to take me right then and there. But when we do have intercourse, he can't seem to stay hard. I still get off, but he doesn't always and he has been worried about that no matter how much I tell him that it's okay. Basically he seems to have calmed around me and has channeled that crazy delicious sexy energy towards our girlfriend. My main concern was whether or not we should consider that something might wrong psychologically since he was strictly mono before, or if it could be something medical (which we are still going to be conscientious of just in case) since it was so out of the blue.

But, he is very excited -physically and emotionally- when our girlfriend is involved, so I think it's safe to say it's just the "Yay! New toy!" reaction. If we're all in the mood, we just get our girlfriend involved. If not, we're all pretty self sufficient and find ways to take care of ourselves. I know it's going to get better, I just thought he might like to know it's just something that can happen and there's nothing wrong with him.

kdt26417 04-26-2013 09:23 PM

No, I think just about everyone has trouble getting it up (and/or performing) from time to time, and often for no apparent reason. In this case, NRE is a likely reason and that suffices for now.


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